Am I cursed?

I am plagued by horrible horrific intrusive thoughts and they keep haunting me.. I always try to counteract them with other thoughts.

That's my biggest issue but since previous year I have what I hope is pocd. It's like suddenly I'm attracted to kids and even typing this makes me feel weird. I was looking at some youtube videos today and saw a video named 'America's youngest sex offenders' and I feel attracted? Maybe because I have a little bit of an attraction to guys in puberty (I'm only 20 myself). I don't see this as a problem and am smart and aware enough not to "do things" with people that are way too young.

Anyways I suddenly thought about cp (I've never watched actual cp and I don't want to) and felt something in my penis. It felt vague. When I checked it on the toilet I saw I had precum?!?! Why?? Is this proof I'm a pedo or somehow my teens and puberty turned me into one? I feel like my brain is somehow wired like one of a pedo and I think it's just awful since I want a normal adult relationship. Could this be groinal responses or whatever? Or do I react in that way to pedo thoughts because of this pocd?

I feel ashamed even having to type this I don't want to be a sick mentally ill pedo.. Please someone give me insight.

(I should mention the pedo thing isnt my main problem atm though. The intrusive horrible thoughts are the worst right now but the pedo thing surely also makes me afraid and anxious.)

Hi there,

Firstly, let me tell you that you are not alone in this. As you've posted in this forum, you probably already know something about OCD and instrusive thoughts, but you might not know that there are thousands or registered cases (and probably many more undocumented!) throughout the world. It's a horrible condition: The doubt, the guilt, the pain... But luckily, there are ways to tackle it, and so many people (Myself included!) have made tremendous progress in a matter of months or years.

What you are describing seems like it could be OCD. However, there is no such as think as a self-diagnosis and there is definitely no such thing as a diagnosis over an Internet forum. I myself am not a doctor, so I can't tell for sure whether you do or don't have OCD. So here is my first recommendation: See a doctor or therapist. These are professionals in the field of mental health and will be able to direct you to the therapy or treatment that is most appropriate for your situation. You can, and will, be helped. But you must take the first step.

You mentioned you are 20. This means you can see a doctor independently and have the right to request that your medical history and data be kept confidential. So, if you do not want to share this with relatives, family, partner, friends that is absolutely fine. The doctor will be able to direct you to the appropriate treatment, whether this is CBT Therapy, Medications or otherwise.

Now to the nature of your thoughts. Generally, intrusive thoughts are egodystonic. This is a big word , but it boils down to the thoughts being completely opposite to your character. So, a peaceful person might have thoughts about hurting others.

You mentioned you have thoughts about being a paedophile. Here are some points I would like you to consider.

Generally, paedophiles do things. Whether it's downloading CP, entertaining pleasant thoughts about sexual relations with children (your thoughs don't seem pleasant at all from the way you describe them) and get to the point of approaching children, whether online or in "real life". Have you ever done any of this? Have you made plans to do this? Does the thought of doing any of the above feel like something you'd look forward to or enjoy? From your description, it doesn't seem so.

You mentioned you are attracted to guys in puberty. Given you are twenty, it is not unreasonable that you should be attracted to somebody who is in their mid-to-late teens. Paedophilia is generally defined by an attractions to children and infants, which doesn't seem to be your case?

I was looking at some youtube videos today and saw a video named 'America's youngest sex offenders' and I feel attracted?

I don't think somebody watches a video on sex offenders and turns into one. By that logic, anybody watching an horror movie with scenes of violence should turn into one.

Rather, it seems you bumped into a trigger that spiked your OCD. (If indeed OCD it is.)

I feel ashamed even having to type this I don't want to be a sick mentally ill pedo.. Please someone give me insight.

Precisely. You feel repulsed by the thoughts and hate them. You don't feel any desire to act on the thoughts and dread them meaning anything at all. You do not feel any attraction at all towards them and want to get rid of them. That maybe says something?

AGAIN thought. It seems like you are under a lot of stress, so for your own sake please do see a doctor and get them help you need.

Hey

Thanks for taking time to answer! It really helps.

I DO have ocd since I was a teen (official diagnosed and had the stereotype compulsive hand washing, fear of diseases etc). I'm also on medication. I take alot actually otherwise I'd go crazy. I see my psychologist every week and she doesn't think I'm a pedo but I'm just not sure wheter I am or not. I'm going to be completely honest I'm turned on by age gaps and seducing in porn. Should mention though that I imagine myself with the older person doing things to me. So I dont think if I'm a pedo I'm an exclusive one.

I have a very low libido but sometimes I would get precum or half a boner when thinking of cp or something. I don't enjoy it though. But it feels like I COULD if I let myself.. I've always dated guys my age or older but never was I able to cum during sex or fully enjoy it. However I was on SSRI's that time and those have a negative effect on sexual experience and libido. So I dont know what to think about it. ROMANTICALLY I know I'm attracted to adults but sexually idk.. Does your sexuality change after your teens? Because before my ocd experiences I got off to normal regular porn just fine and fantasized about guys my age or teachers etc I dont think I've got off to prepubertal children. HOWEVER I got off to someone I know which is younger then me (about 3 years?) and he is very childlike.

And no I dont look forward seeing cp or getting close with a kid. Ill never will do any of those things you said. I'm not a bad human being. If I would approach a kid it wouldnt be sexual.

My main intrusive thoughts are about horrible things happening to my family. I dont get many intrusive pedo thoughts actually.

Porn has very little to do with what you like in real life. It's usually more taboo than what you'd do in person.

Thanks for the answer.

Well so I was watching normal music videos again and found one with a hot woman and I read the comments and saw someone jokingly typed "somewhere a 10 year old is jerking off to this." I felt something down there and when I checked I got precum.. Like wtf.. I didnt got an erection though. Isnt this just pure proof I'm a pedo? There were also other comments about '15 year olds' so maybe this caused it? Idk. I think I rather fantasize about a 15 year old then about a 10 year old..

Pff I really need insight.. I'm confused..

Hi,

Firstly, I'm glad you are doing the right thing and getting the support you need. I encourage you to continue seeing your psychiatrist and psychologist and to get as much benefit from it as possible.

I see my psychologist every week and she doesn't think I'm a pedo but I'm just not sure wheter I am or not.

Psychologists are trained professionals with the expertise to make an assessment on whether a patient is likely to be a threat to themsleves or others. They are not your friends, or your peers, they will take preventive action if they think you might pose a risk. Such action will range from recommending voluntary admission to a psychiatric hospital to a referral to the police if you do not cooperate. If neither your psychiatrist nor your psychologist have recommended that, chances are you are not a paedophile.

However, it is in the nature of OCD to doubt about egodystonic thoughts. You do not want to be a paedophile, but your OCD is forcing you to doubt you might be one. Your obsession is being a paedophile, your compulsion is the checking and looking for evidence you might be one.

Here's the thing. You cannot convince yourself by reasoning that you are not a paedophile. By trying to do so, you are only validating the thoughts and giving them more power. You are reinforcing behavioural patterns, the "checking", and getting stuck in the loop.

What you want is to break such loop. There are many online resources with techniques on how to do this, and I'm sure your psychologist has already introduced you to some. If not, you can mention it to them. From my experience, I found mindful meditation practice can help a lot.

I have a very low libido but sometimes I would get precum or half a boner when thinking of cp or something. I don't enjoy it though.

This to me says a lot. You don't enjoy it, you hate it, you find it repulsive and clearly you don't want to engage with it. Paedophiles are usually looking forward to it, quite a distinction don't you think?

My main intrusive thoughts are about horrible things happening to my family. I dont get many intrusive pedo thoughts actuall

Sadly, not an uncommon type of thoughts. However, very (extremely) unlikely the thoughts mean anything at all.

Let me ask you a few questions:

Note you don't have to answer any/all of these. You shouldn't disclose here any more than you feel comfortable disclosing, and have the right to keep as much information as you feel needed to yourself. The only reason I am asking is because I think some of this information could help us help you.

- How much do you know about OCD? I suppose both your psychiatrist and psychologist have told you about it, but it would be useful to know how much knowledge you have. Understanding OCD is a very important step to managing it.

- How are you managing it? You mentioned SSRIs and therapy. What kind of therapy is it? Do you find it beneficial?

- To what extent is OCD affecting your daily life? Do you find it significantly disrupts daily activities and impeding your success? Do you avoid situations or places because of OCD?

- Have you been diagnosed with other conditions alongside OCD?

I somewhat know how ocd works since I had it since I was 14 years old. My therapist also knows about ocd. I think my medication allows me to not always do compulsions and 'let it go'. I'm talking about the horrible intrusive thoughts/obsessions here. The pedo thing seems different. It's just like my body wants pedo things while I want to be normal. Like I used to be in my early teens and enjoy adult porn very much. I also always dated guys my age or older. Except one time I had this sort of short "relationship" with a boy which was 15/16. (While typing this my penis reacts !). I was 19 I think. When I first met him online he lied about his ahe and told me he was 17/18. I think otherwise I wouldnt even add him on whatsapp etc. But I enjoyed talking to him etc. Is this pedo or at least wrong? You judge.

I manage my ocd through medication and talk therapy with planning on doing exposure. Which I find a VERY scary idea. My ocd interferes with my life alot and I would be a completely different person if I didnt have it. It certainly affects my life in a bad way. I avoid certain things and numbers out of fear and maybe some sort of superstition and paranoia. Ocd is the only disorder I'm diagnosed with.

If you were a pedo you would've always been one though. It's not really any different from the usual sexualities. They won't admit that still, because of the harm and for good reason about that. But since we're so focused on classifying it differently from straight and LGBT sexualities, I don't think there will be any good or progressive discussion on the legitimate causes of pedo attractions and orientation. Even the regular ones don't have good enough insight imo.

Talk therapy does not actually work or help with OCD. It can also make it worse.

jdd wrote:If you were a pedo you would've always been one though. It's not really any different from the usual sexualities. They won't admit that still, because of the harm and for good reason about that. But since we're so focused on classifying it differently from straight and LGBT sexualities, I don't think there will be any good or progressive discussion on the legitimate causes of pedo attractions and orientation. Even the regular ones don't have good enough insight imo.

Talk therapy does not actually work or help with OCD. It can also make it worse.

Exactly. I always have a kink for old/young porn or things like incest etc though but I dont worry about that. I really dont know how pedophillia manifests itself. All I know is that I didn't always felt like this but digging in my past I sometimes find situations in which I maybe fancied a kid (ugh that's even so weird to write..) but idk for 100%. What I do know is that it wasn't obvious I'm a pedo or anything like that.

Still I get the precum to anything related pedo.. I obviously don't want it though and I refuse to masturbate to pedo thoughts. I just can't identify myself as a pedo.. What I DO know is that like I said it turns me on that an older man would have sex with a younger guy etc. But not neccesairly pedo..

The pedo things is ,maybe weird I say it, one of my minor problems. My intrusive thoughts and other obsessions bother me way more then the pedo thing.

-- Mon Sep 04, 2017 5:06 pm --

jdd wrote:If you were a pedo you would've always been one though. It's not really any different from the usual sexualities. They won't admit that still, because of the harm and for good reason about that. But since we're so focused on classifying it differently from straight and LGBT sexualities, I don't think there will be any good or progressive discussion on the legitimate causes of pedo attractions and orientation. Even the regular ones don't have good enough insight imo.

Talk therapy does not actually work or help with OCD. It can also make it worse.

Exactly. I always have a kink for old/young porn or things like incest etc though but I dont worry about that. I really dont know how pedophillia manifests itself. All I know is that I didn't always felt like this but digging in my past I sometimes find situations in which I maybe fancied a kid (ugh that's even so weird to write..) but idk for 100%. What I do know is that it wasn't obvious I'm a pedo or anything like that.

Still I get the precum to anything related pedo.. I obviously don't want it though and I refuse to masturbate to pedo thoughts. I just can't identify myself as a pedo.. What I DO know is that like I said it turns me on that an older man would have sex with a younger guy etc. But not neccesairly pedo..

The pedo things is ,maybe weird I say it, one of my minor problems. My intrusive thoughts and other obsessions bother me way more then the pedo thing.