"HOCD" or lesbian denial

So let me start by saying I have nothing against the LGBT community and this post is not meant to offend anyone.

My "hocd" all started a few months ago in our field trip to Yosemite. Before then I have not even considered the possibility of being anything other than straight and have always been attracted to guys. Anyway, in the trip, my best friend came out to me as bisexual....and that she realized this because she had a huge crush on me in seventh grade. I was a bit surprised but to be honest I always suspected this a bit(She always hung out w/ boys, dressed like a boy, etc.) After she came out I suddenly got this thought: what if she wanted to talk more about it or kissed me and I turned lesbian? It was extremely repulsive and stupid of me to think that, but I did, and it set off a string of thoughts of whether I would turn into a lesbian one day.

After the trip, I forgot about it mostly but I started trying to check women out and imagine myself with them and if I liked their bodies. I got very scared because I thought I would not be obsessing about this if I wasn't gay. I tried to read lesbian books but I didn't have that fluttery feeling in my heart no matter how much I told myself "you are repressing your true lesbian feelings". I even read online about compulsory heterosexuality, which I fear maybe me in denial. And when I go out I force myself to look at girl so much now it is natural but that's probably bc I'm rlly gay... and every day I go through these ritualistic checking behaviors and come to the conclusion I am heterosexual, and I am relieved. But then the thoughts start all over again.

Funnily enough, the thoughts are worst and most intense when I am alone and bored. If I am at a class or with my crush(who is a boy) I do not think about being a lesbian. Since I was not having much sexual response to women my mind moved on and said "okay, this is because you have to first imagine yourself in a relationship w/ them"....however, this is the part that scares me the most bc I can't really imagine myself in a long term relationship w/ a man but I think this is because i have rally low self esteem. I can for a woman though although sometimes I think this might be because it would be more friendship-y and at a low risk level....but then again, maybe it is just self-denial.

I actually could imagine myself w/ a man before this dance a few week after the trip. i am very shy around boys and I kept thinking maybe one of them would ask me...however most of the girls were asked but not me, so i felt bad about that and thought "maybe I'm giving off a lesbian vibe". I also keep doubting if "HOCD" is actually real or if it's just something anti-gay people use to convert gays...I talked about this with my parents and they think I'm definitely straight, as well as my bisexual friend, but what if they are just homophobic like those coming out stories I read??? My doctor said I might probably be gay or bi and I need to accept myself, whatever happens, which just made me more anxious.


Maybe this is all a result of compulsory heterosexuality bc one of my first crushes was a really short boy...and I like when boys give me attention, but I wouldn't want to be in a RELATIONSHIP with them. Now I'm doubting if my feelings for my crushes are actually real or not. I keep reading these coming out stories and thinking they apply to me. But thing is, i rlly don't care what other people would think of me, I just really, REALLY don't want to be lesbian or even like girls at all! Also when I say I'm gay or bi, i just don't feel anything idk, but it's the same with the world "straight". I know there is the possibility of being bi, too, but my mind keeps telling me "you are lying to yourself if you say you're bi" bc a lot of ppl said they were bi before "turning" gay. I just also can't imagine liking both, I HAVE TO CHOOSE ONE. Lol this compulsory heterosexuality thing is rlly screwing me up.

I get these uncomfortable chills or panicky thoughts when someone mentions something LGBT related or if I think a "gay" thought. Also I'm pretty picky when it comes to boys so...but when I do like one I LOVE them, like, I think about getting their attention al the time..but I don't think about a relationship w/ them, but I think maybe that might be either bc I'm way too shy and intimidated of boys, or because of compulsory heterosexuality.

Please help, I was boy-crazy before this "HOCD" and I loved it, I just want to go back to that...thanks so much for reading

Lol....hello? anyone?

My doctor said I might probably be gay or bi and I need to accept myself, whatever happens, which just made me more anxious.

You told your doctor what you told us and this was their response? What kind of doctor was this?

People don't need to search for the "gay" in them, like looking for a lost sock. It emerges. They become aware of it. I have plenty of gay and bisexual friends in my life. We have talked about what it was like when discovered they weren't heterosexual. The only stress they felt was having to deal with friends and family. The idea that they liked the same sex or both sexes was pleasing to them.

Sexuality/Relationships is like swimming. You're not going to learn how to do it, what your technique is, what you like and what you don't - until you jump in the water.

Maybe you can put less emphasis on trying to figure it all out before hand and do more experimenting. I am a heterosexual man but my first kiss was with a boy. Many of my gay friends went on heterosexual dates first. Even fooled around a bit. Many heterosexual people have made love (or fooled around) with the same sex once, or more, in their life.

Sadly, at this time in our cultural evolution, we are still boxed in by these labels. That'll change, and one day it will be normal to do whatever. To experiment without the fear of reproach.

One last thing. If this obsessing is getting so bad that it interrupts your life consider seeing a therapist (unless you have and I missed it in your text). HOCD is OCD. And OCD needs to be treated in some manner once it has gotten beyond your own control.

Good luck,

Otter.

My doctor said I might probably be gay or bi and I need to accept myself, whatever happens, which just made me more anxious.

Oh god same! I am girl as well and same experience. I went to a doctor, wasn't my family doctor but at another clinic for youth and he said that I am in denial. This was when I was going through false feelings, and thought replacement.He said that I need to accept it so that I can feel the feelings I am repressing and he said that its because I am denying it. Once I stop denying I will naturally enjoy the feelings. But thing was he was gay himself and before I went in I found out , I knew this is what I was going to hear from him. I mentally prepared myself for it, but either way I still felt anxious the whole time he implied it and started referring me to sexuality websites. At the same time though I think he saw how anxious I was, and referred me for therapy, which I am thankful for.

What I am going to tell you is something I had to wrap my head around. I still haven't completely but you need to get this hammered in your head that you are NOT your thoughts. Thoughts are useless. I was told in therapy that a human had about 60, 000 thoughts a day. its more than the breaths we take. So imagine, how many things we must think of are useless. There is a different between thinking something and being that thing. I love flowers, so does that make me a flower? No. Its a similar principle. So please try to really understand this because it will take a lot of power away from your thoughts.

If you need to talk, you can hit me up with a message.

So, I haven't been here in a while but I wanted to chime in on that a bit.

First: sexuality repression does not exist, it cannot be done. Repressed memories still don't even have a scientific basis either.

Second: this doctor sounds either like they are only trained in sexuality psychology, which puts them in a biased state. And it also sounds like they're still channeling inner Sigmund Freud as basis of claims too, which is silly.

@otter, "Sadly, at this time in our cultural evolution, we are still boxed in by these labels. That'll change, and one day it will be normal to do whatever. To experiment without the fear of reproach. "

Why stop there? We should be free to decide as adults what we want. Science progression should advance in these areas imo.

Also, otter, while I won't disagree that people who are genuinely questioning and curious might want to try experimenting at some point. But, I think jumping to conclusions and encouraging experimentation when a person may not or does not want to is a big issue that many don't seem to grasp due to the overwhelming pressure of the pseudo-"open-minded" culture that has somewhat pushed into mainstream ideology and further hurts OCD sufferers because of the misinformation and lack of understanding of both OCD and sexuality in general.

veraverto wrote: My doctor said I might probably be gay or bi and I need to accept myself, whatever happens, which just made me more anxious.

Otter wrote:You told your doctor what you told us and this was their response? What kind of doctor was this?

Gwendolyn wrote:Oh god same! I am girl as well and same experience. I went to a doctor, wasn't my family doctor but at another clinic for youth and he said that I am in denial.......... But thing was he was gay himself and before I went in I found out , I knew this is what I was going to hear from him.

Well two choices here: they don't understand OCD, and/or have an ideological bias to see something that's not really there. I've heard of both occurring.

I'm pretty much in the same situation and I know how much it sucks.
Got mine when I was 13 and it all started with a simple thought. I always liked boys and I admired girls but NEVER crushed on them and got that 'fluttery' or nervous feeling like I get around cute boys.
My mind is torturing me, it's like I have no escape. I made a pact with myself when this all started and I promised that if I turn out to be gay I'm gonna kill myself. It makes me terribly sad to remember that and see how much of a impact it had on me since I'm not a sad person normally.

I know that reassurance is bad for people with ocd and I'm gonna reassure you bc it would last for a hour and then your hocd would come up with a answer to your reassurance and you'd start panicking again. What I'm gonna say is - hang in there. That's all you can do, of course + get some help if possible.

Nobody knows abt my hocd, my parents know I have ocd but I don't think they are taking me seriously lol so I just shrug it off. It sucks, I know, but stay strong bc you ARE NOT ALONE!!

Thank you everyone! I've been getting better, and, interestingly, other OCD problems have come up. I think this "HOCD" started it all. But I am learning to deal with all my thoughts. I used to think I would never get better but I have!

Gwendolyn wrote:

I went to a doctor, wasn't my family doctor but at another clinic for youth and he said that I am in denial. This was when I was going through false feelings, and thought replacement.He said that I need to accept it so that I can feel the feelings I am repressing and he said that its because I am in denial.

Not only is this flat out #######4, but it’s actually so unethical for a doctor to say that, especially a gay one at that. Take this from someone who is a gay male. I ALWAYS knew I was gay. Yeah, I might have pretended I wasn’t and denied it, but I knew it was there. I was already able to feel those feelings naturally without admitting it to myself. there was no repression, I was never unaware of my gayness, I just wasn’t honest about it with myself.