Is this OCD? + My possible HOCD (I thought I was gay)

Hi I've never posted in this forum nor have I even considered that I might have OCD up until today but reading many of these posts has been eye opening. I initially came upon this website because I've been suffering from delusions for the past few days and wanted to find the source of them. I was obsessing over the idea that nobody really likes me and that everyone I know secretly hates me and is saying things about me behind my back. Part of me knows this is not correct but I couldn't help that feeling it was true and inbetween moments of clarity I would feel more and more hostile towards everyone that I know and start crying.

I woke up this morning and knew that I needed to get to the bottom of this so I came upon this website and found this forum and I saw many people suffering from similar obsessive thoughts that I always have that I always attributed to other things. Like for example when I was a child I was obsessed with death and I thought that I could find the solution to why god wants us to die and so I would exhaust myself trying to think of reasoning behind god actions i worried about it constantly and I would close my eyes and cover them with my hands both like I was frustrated and trying to make the thoughts stop. Since I can remember I've been germophobic and afraid of other peoples saliva, I cant drink out of someone elses glass and I cant kiss anyone (unless im drunk which eases the anxiety during but not after) which has put a hold on social interaction and development.

Also when I was young my dad suggested to me that members of our family (who I should point our are all fairly paranoid) had accused him of being inappropriate with me and abusing me because we had a close relationship. From this I've had multiple periods with obsessive thoughts like wondering whether or not that was true and whether or not out whole relationship was my dad manipulating me, obsessive over false memories that I know are false and having night terrors of being married to my father or him being inappropriate with me which I wake up from disgusted, terrified and ashamed. When these thoughts occur to me I would try to think of other things and push them away or clench my fists and cover my eyes like when I was a child. Because of this I've also had intrusive thoughts about inflicting the same non existent abuse onto my own or other children even though I'm only 21 and don't even have children. These thoughts tell me that I want to hurt them or that I'm going to do to them what has been done to me even though I've never been abused. I repeat the same fist clenching eye closing thought pushing behavior that I do every other time when this happens.

I've also had different obsessions which body image between the ages of 11 to 17 or 18 I was convinced I was overweight and obsessed about my weight and my appearance so much so that I over exercised, refused to wear fitted clothes or take pictures (I dont have a lot photos of myself from my teenage years) and I refused to leave my house a lot. It was never suggested by anyone that I was overweight and I don't know why I came to that conclusion and obsessed over it for years but It lead to self harm issues. I have always attributed this to anxiety and depression but I'm convinced its something else. I've also always had an obsession with the number 5 and its multiples I remember thinking as a child that 5 is such a perfect number and up until this day I become irritated when I see people set numbers and not set them to 5 or a multiple this mostly happens with the volume dial, if its not on a 5 or multiple of 5 I can't rest until I change it or someone else does. I've had different, smaller obsessive thoughts where I try to find solutions for problems that arent even on my horizion but those pop up every now and then and there are too many to talk about.

The most impactful thing I've read on here though connecting all of my mental obsessions is HOCD. When I was younger around 6 or 7 I would dry hump with my neighborhood friend. I always thought this was incidental and while I was embarrassed about it I never connected it with anything. It wasn't until I was 17 and I felt for one moment romantic feelings for another friend of mine had I ever considered the fact that I was a lesbian. In that moment I wanted to kiss her but I felt guilty and disgusted by my behavior when I went home. I thought I was sinister and predatory for being able to hide what I wanted to do to her. I was obsessed with my thoughts more that I was obsessed with her. When I looked up what I felt I found web pages saying it was normal for lesbians to feel this way and sort of resigned myself to the fact that I was gay. I only ever had a crush on one boy when I was younger but I did like celebrity guys a lot and I had healthy school girl crushes on them. I do remember wanting a girl in my grade to like me so bad and staring at her body but at the time I figured I just wanted to be her. When a cute boy would talk to me I would blush and get flustered and thats not something I've ever felt for a woman even after concluding that I'm not straight.

For these past few years I've flip flopped between self identification as bi or lesbian or "no label" and nothing ever felt right. I've spent less time feeling attracted to anyone and more time obsessing over how to define my sexuality even though I don't find enjoyment out of the whole thing all I do now is question everything. "are you attracted to him?" "how can you be attracted to him if you're gay?" "are you just convincing your self you're gay because you want attention or sympathy or an excuse to be single or because you want to feel special?" "does the concept of being different in this way make you feel better about all of the other ways you're different?" "does being gay offer you an explanation for something?". If I see any woman wearing no bra in public or if shes kind of pretty it brings ups up similar questions like "do like this?" and my brain tells me to imagine her naked or imagine having sex with her. While I'm not disgusted or horrified by these thoughts I'm not exactly turned on by them either. When I imagine getting married to a woman I dont feel excited or depressed I just go through the same ringer of questions. If actually always attributed this to internalized homophobia but thinking about this through the lens of HOCD I think this might be it.

Feel free to offer me insight into whether or not what I've experienced is OCD and whether or not my experience with questioning my sexuality has been HOCD. I'm sorry I couldn't be more concise there was a lot to talk about

Hi welcome to the forum!

To start off you do seem to have an obsessive personality. But for HOCD from what I have read in your post, I think you have always maybe just questioned your identity. I don't see the fear that I see in a lot of other posts. You have also mentioned:

In that moment I wanted to kiss her but I felt guilty and disgusted by my behavior when I went home.

I do remember wanting a girl in my grade to like me so bad and staring at her body but at the time I figured I just wanted to be her.

Have you ever thought that maybe you are bisexual and not exactly gay? Bisexuality is funny because everyone on this planet is a bit bisexual. Some people prefer one sex over the other and some are equal in that they like both sexes equally. Some people are bisexual because they feel attracted to a certain part of the same sex, but never want anything to do with the same sex. They would never act on it. So it varies a lot, is what I have learned. You might just be bisexual with a preference for women. Personally speaking I have never had this urge of kissing a girl or wanting them to like me back. I have wanted guys to like me back, but now I don't even know whether I did want that or not since this has been going on.

I honestly can't say if you have OCD specially sexuality OCD because we can't diagnose. Your post isn't the classic "oh my god, I have identified as straight my whole life and now I am scared I am gay" You might have HOCD, but I feel like you obsess about sexuality a lot more than you do about the label itself. I could be wrong and correct me if I am, but that's how I see it. You definitely obsess about a lot of things together at a given time. Seek out therapy is what I will tell you. Go to good therapist who specializes in OCD because you do have a pattern of thinking characteristic with OCD in general. They will be able to help you see clearer.

At the end of the day you have decide how you see yourself. If you feel like you are going through HOCD then seek therapy. Trust me it's absolute hell. Don't wait too long.

Gwendolyn wrote:Hi welcome to the forum!

To start off you do seem to have an obsessive personality. But for HOCD from what I have read in your post, I think you have always maybe just questioned your identity. I don't see the fear that I see in a lot of other posts. You have also mentioned:

In that moment I wanted to kiss her but I felt guilty and disgusted by my behavior when I went home.

I do remember wanting a girl in my grade to like me so bad and staring at her body but at the time I figured I just wanted to be her.

Have you ever thought that maybe you are bisexual and not exactly gay? Bisexuality is funny because everyone on this planet is a bit bisexual. Some people prefer one sex over the other and some are equal in that they like both sexes equally. Some people are bisexual because they feel attracted to a certain part of the same sex, but never want anything to do with the same sex. They would never act on it. So it varies a lot, is what I have learned. You might just be bisexual with a preference for women. Personally speaking I have never had this urge of kissing a girl or wanting them to like me back. I have wanted guys to like me back, but now I don't even know whether I did want that or not do certain this has been going on.

I honestly can't say if you have OCD specially sexuality OCD because we can't diagnose. Your post isn't the classic "oh my god, I have identified as straight my whole life and now I am scared I am gay" You might have HOCD, but I feel like you obsess about sexuality a lot more than you do about the label itself. I could be wrong and correct me if I am, but that's how I see it. You definitely obsess about a lot of things together at a given time. Seek out therapy is what I will tell you. Go to good therapist who specializes in OCD because you do have a pattern of thinking characteristic with OCD in general. They will be able to help you see clearer.

At the end of the day you have decide how you see yourself. If you feel like you are going through HOCD then seek therapy. Trust me it's absolute hell. Don't wait too long.

Thank you for your help After I posted this I was thinking more about what I wrote and rereading it and I think you're right about being obsessive rather than having HOCD. I've never been afraid of being gay the way other people seem to be describing when it occurred to me that I might be I was taken a back and felt momentarily disgusted by the possibility of it but that faded and I accepted it. When I looked at the questions I asked myself most of them where around my fear of being a bad person not a fear of engaging in gay sexual activity.