The 'attractions' in hocd or denial

My 'attractions' to women don't necessarily feel bad or counterintuitive to my true desires.

Just earlier today I was watching a documentary and there was a women on it who I had that immediate *gasp* kind of reaction that I seem to be getting these days. But idk what it is honestly. I could say 'oh it's just my OCD', but if it really was then wouldn't there would be even a small part of me that knows it's bs even though my mind wants to fight it? Wouldn't my attraction to men still be somewhat intact? Even on small level?

It seems there's a part of me that would MAYBE be open to being with a women sexually. Though I find it hard to imagine being in love with a women. This terrifies me though, bc I have a fear of having to completely rewire my identity. I was brought up in a fairly religious Catholic background, so not sure if the forbidden element of it has kept me in denial thinking I liked men all of these years (I just turned 30).

I hate that I keep imagining being with a women and it feels more exciting in my mind then being with a guy.

I just hate this not knowing/denial especially at an age where I should have it figured out. I also f***ing hate that this consumes so much of my thinking.

Also people keep saying 'you can't be gay if you hate the idea of it' and I don't feel like I agree bc isn't the very nature of being in denial hating the idea of being gay?

Hi. I'm a 30 year old man that's suffered HOCD for 11 years and OCD since I was about 8 or 9.

HOCD feeds on doubt, just like any other obsession. The idea of being with a woman frightens you or makes you uncomfortable. However, you see it as denial, and you wait for the day that you "give in" and "accept" being gay. However, that day never comes because you will always question it. I've "come out" to myself God knows how many times. And I still get no peace of mind or relief. This is because we have a mental illness and we're not coping with our sexual orientation.

I get spikes when I see attractive men. Heck, I just got one 30 seconds ago. However, it's a spike and not an attraction. I don't spike when I see an attractive woman. I get nervous maybe, but I like the idea of being with a woman. I don't know you. However I will guess that you've liked men since you were a child. However, there may have been a catalyst that caused this HOCD to emerge.

However, know you're not alone. I also suggest you see a therapist that specializes in OCD.