New dude here, i need help.

Hello everyone, I'm a longtime lurker posting for the first time. Usually I'd just take the passive reassurance that comes with this site but I'm in a bit of a bind emotionally and overall psychologically, with which I could use some help. I just want to mention that I haven't been formally diagnosed with OCD, but it fits the description of my anguish and it explains some of my strange and confusing behaviour.

I've been obsessing about a sexual fetish that I'd previously found distressing and disgusting. I've gone from never thinking about it ever in life to browsing and masturbating to it almost constantly. At first I used to imagine myself in the scenario because it would make me feel terrible and this would (in a roundabout way) make me feel more confident that I wasn't what I feared I was. I would look at people that fit the profile of the fetish and I found that I suddenly couldn't find them unattractive, I also found that people I had previously found attractive did nothing for me. Eventually this escalated and I found myself noticing it more and more while I was browsing porn, I became paranoid that I was turning into something I had never been. I started watching these videos and attempting to masturbate to them, for the first few months I couldn't. Psychologically I either found them either boring or disgusting and physically my body just didn't want to be touched in their presence. I found this comforting but eventually I was able to reach orgasm to them if I literally forced myself to do so, which became common practice and masturbation just became an almost hourly testing ritual. It's gotten to the point that all I have is distress and a low buzz in my groin and I can't remember what sexual pleasure feels like, I can't remember what it feels like to feel good so I can't confirm to myself that these things DONT bring me pleasure or make me feel good.

I masturbate to them all the time and I don't know why, they make me feel small and disgusting but my body reacts to them in a minute way and I can't reconcile that. I can't stop. I've totally lost control and I can't see a way out. In my mind I'm stuck in a loop, testing my reaction to me admitting that I either am or I'm not. Every time I've encountered it before this past year it made me sick and I don't understand what's happening to me. I'm in a strange and sad place. I don't care about what happens to me anymore. I've started recently fantasizing about having a rope snug around my neck, in my mind it feels like being embraced by freedom but I know I want to live. Just not like this.

One of this biggest issues is that though it makes me feel awful, this particular fetish is extremely masochistic so what if it's feeling like its supposed to? I don't think I'm closeted because I've legitimately tried to "accept that that is who I am" at my absolute most desperate. It never takes though, and my minds natural inclination is to not want this, to reject it and hide away from it. I don't know.

I've been a porn and masturbation addict for a long time I'd say, I don't know if a new sexual theme has more of a potential to hurt me because of that. I don't know. I really do want to live, but not like this.