Bi OCD/ HOCD? I really need some insight, I am so depressed

Hey you guys...I cannot sleep and I am very stressed out right now. It has been the worst week of my life and I just need to vent. I need opinions, thoughts, anything. it may be long but please hear me out.

I'm 22 years old, female. I have been in a relationship with a man for 4 years now, and it has been nothing but GREAT. I have felt so in love with him, he is my best friend, I wanted to move in with him everything.

My therapist diagnosed me with OCD two years ago when I was having awful intrusive thoughts about my boyfriend's little brothers. I was worried I didn't want to be with him, and it was painful for me to deal with because I was so in love with him and it came out of no where. Eventually it all disappeared and it was fine. Last year my obsession was my co worker...I found out he liked me and I was having obsessive thoughts weather or not I liked him. I decided to stay away from him, I did like him as a friend and I didn't want feelings for him and when I finally told my boyfriend about it a year later because I had been obsessing about it, it was the worst thing and I felt a lot of guilt. He completely understood. I felt pretty damn free. I was like wow...i can be in love if I want to be. I can have fun now on Sundays with my friends. I can be free. This is your break from OCD...but boy was I wrong.

I have been very confused about my sexuality after I confessed about my co worker. I was looking on Instagram and I follow a pornstar. She was posing with another pornstar, and I knew the girl had a big butt and I went and looked at her page and I saw her butt and it hit me. I felt attracted but I didn't want to be? I started to panic, a lot of stuff was going through my brain and I thought if I just let it be it would go away. I tried to have sex with my bf and it didn't feel the same like it normally would or I thought it would. I played pool, my mind was still obsessing. But now I didn't know what my sexuality was and it's made my life hell and I've been very depressed from it all.

So my childhood you're probably wondering...it doesn't really help. I watched a crap ton of lesbian porn. I watched girls kissing, girls gone wild, the real L word (lol when I think of this I'm just like why). I think it's because that's what I was exposed to at such a young age. I was probably 12 at the time. But...I was also on a virtual website where I again (this doesn't help my case) I pretended to be both boys and girls and I would "date" these people. Whenever I think about this I always ask myself why. I have a ton of regret from doing it. I don't know why I did it. I knew there was one girl I dated and I would sit there and just be bored, not wanting to do these sexual things she insisted on doing. I would call my friend and she would tell me what to type. I remember I would think about what it would be like for the person I was "dating". I think I just liked the idea of being in a relationship but I never felt like I was in one? The last time I did that I was a freshmen in high school but I stopped for good. when I was in therapy I told my therapist about it, I was in 'tears and so embarrassed. She said it was just my childhood experience, since it had no reflect on me as a person today. I felt way better.

So after finally losing my computer, in 8th grade I had my first boyfriend. I thought he was so cute. We would kiss, hold hands, I remember kind of feeling sexual towards him but it was scary because I thought I could get pregnant although there was no way possible haha. We broke up after a year and it was hard, my friend came over and we went to the mall to go look at cute boys. In 9th grade I had a boyfriend but I didn't really think he was cute, so we broke up and I wasn't the nicest to him. I liked another guy a lot and that didn't work out, and I met another guy and I ended up dating him for quite sometime. Everything felt right. We would stay up late and talk, makeout. I had a first sexual experience with him (not losing my virginity) but like it all came natural. During that time I had SUCH a crush on a guy in a band. I mean a HUGE crush on this guy. He was so attractive, he was my dream man. He was all I could think about. I would have married him if I could. Whenever he would get a new girlfriend I would be so jealous. But we ended up breaking up, me and the guy after 2 years of being together. I was pretty heartbroken and wanted another guy. Now during this relationship I experienced OCD, about my sexuality, and it was very weird because I had never experienced anything like it. But I was able to dismiss it. I remember thinking a girl was cute in my class but I didn't like that feeling, whenever I would look at her it was weird. That eventually faded. After my relationship, I met new friends and eventually liked another guy, who looked like my crush from the band. Things didn't work out and that's when I met my current boyfriend.

When I first met my boyfriend, and we started to like each other I had hella feelings for him. Everything felt so real and so right. From kissing him, I remember the first time we almost had sex there was so much passion and love. I never had feltvthat before in my life but it felt so right. My relationship with him was incredible and I couldn't believe it was real. We were always calling each other, seeing each other. My childhood never reflected on my relationship. Although I did all of that stuff, it didn't reflect on me. It never came into my mind, it never bothered me. It was something I never thought about. And for the first two years, it was awesome. I remember my boyfriend and I went through a huge faze where all he did was like tattoo models and it really hurt my feelings. It gave me low self esteem and it was very hard for me to handle. I would look at these girls and feel awful about myself and I hated all of them. I eventually learned to love myself and it was fine. Towards year three of dating him my OCD was at its worst. I had thoughts about my childhood which I got over fairly fast, and my relationship OCD which was hell on earth but once I came out of it it felt great. I would also like to add my sex like with my boyfriend was awesome. I always wanted to do it in the beginning haha...we used to try and not to do it so much but it was so new to me. Now there were times where having sex was hard, and sometimes I feel like it was because I was not so turned on. I did have a hard time achieving the big finale but he has gotten me to that point. Sorry if that's a TMI. I feel like now dating him everything is way better then it used to be.

Ever since being plagued by these gay thoughts, obsessively it's been very hard for me to actually function. I went into a deep depression. I was crying a lot because I felt nothing for someone I felt so much for. I would look at him and feel nothing and it made me so depressed. I would kiss and hug him and it wasn't like how it was at all. it felt empty. I often try to compare myself in a relationship with a woman but I know that's not what I disire. I don't want to live my life with a woman. I think about growing old with a woman and I get very nervous and it feels real. I sometimes even felt that I could have sex with a woman, which is something I never really thought about until recently. I mean I have had thoughts about if I would like it better but I didn't really want to think about that. Last summer, I would go on Instagram and look at pornstars. Sometimes I think I just felt envious because I knew my boyfriend watched porn and I would just be envious, and I sometimes felt turned on looking at butts...or sometimes even boobs but when I would feel that I would just be like WOAH okay nope. And then I would keep looking through the photos to check how I felt or if anything would change. I sometimes would look at pages that had sexual content just because I wanted to see how I felt looking at a woman who was sexualizing herself. My boyfriend and a recently article expressed that women can get turned on or aruoused by a woman's body and it not be gay. So sometimes I think that is my case. He doesn't think that makes me bisexual or gay. And when I bring it up he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and I know it's taking a toll on him, which I don't blame him. I sometimes wonder if I'm attracted to his area, and I heard a lot of straight people don't find those areas attractive but it feels good. I wonder if I'm attracted to his body, but for me what matters most is a mans appearance. I have to physically be attacked to him. Something I liked about Boys are that they have to have nice hands and nice arms. I have always been an arm girl but never a six pack type of gal.

So to end this huge story....I am wondering if this is just a common case of OCD or if I'm just really in denial. I have lost all of my attraction to men in a matter of a week. I remember thinking a lot of the guys that I work with were really attractive. I was scared of liking one of them because he seemed to be flirting with me. Luckily my boyfriend isn't the jealous type. But I think about what my life was like before this mess and I loved my life. I was happy to spend time with my boyfriend. I loved doing everything with him. Now I just feel anxiety all the time. I feel depressed. I haven't left my bed and it is hard to want to leave my house. I can barely work. I called in sick twice because I was so depressed. I forced myself to hangout with my friends and it was awful because I just wanted to go be alone. I didn't wanna talk to anyone. I was researching everything and trying to figure this out because I need an answer to feel better. I did two days end up feeling okay. I felt pretty damn free actually...I couldn't believe half of my thoughts and i was happy. Last night it happened again where I told myself I just wanted to cuddle with my boyfriend and I just sprung up and walked to my friends house, and I managed to go out to eat with them. I started to feel for my boyfriend a little. My attraction to men sort of came back. I guess what gives me hope is that I just wanted my attraction for men back and my boyfriend back. Not feeling anything for him is the worst feeling in the entire world and it was breaking my heart so bad.
I'm scared of having sex. I have had thoughts while having sex with him "you've never met a lesbian who could ride like this" or I didn't enjoy preforming certain sexual acts on him yet last week we had awesome sex that was so passionate and I felt love.
I also remember when my bisexual coworker came out to me and I remember thinking In my head "well I could tell her that I'm bisexual or I could tell her I experienced the same thing) which I remember then thinking no no no no no do not. It just felt real and then I remember forvthe rest of the night I was happy she felt like she could trust me with that information, and it didn't bother me.
I also have had thoughts about "wishing we were all just bisexual so I didn't have to deal with this sort of mess". But those thoughts scared me sometimes because I didn't want them to be true.

What do you guys think.....I just want to love my boyfriend again. It's breaking my heart. I don't eat or drink or sleep. Everything is so hard right now. I'm gonna go back to therapy again because I need it bad.

You really sound like a textbook case of HOCD. I'm sure you will feel better soon (although I thought I read you say in another topic you talked to a friend and are okay now). It really sounds like you have/had a really good love life but now OCD tries to ruin it all. I think you're not a lesbian though otherwise you wouldn't be in a loving relationship with a man for so long.

I did talk to a friend and she told me I don't sound bisexual at all...I'm just confused and that she will help me through this. I was pretty happy earlier and now I feel like a ball of anxiety. It kind of sucks. I've been checking to see if I'm attracted to girls and sometimes I feel like it's real or it's false attraction. Sometimes it just hits you and you get scared. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm lying too so there's that. It just sucks.

fireworkeyes wrote:I did talk to a friend and she told me I don't sound bisexual at all...I'm just confused and that she will help me through this. I was pretty happy earlier and now I feel like a ball of anxiety. It kind of sucks. I've been checking to see if I'm attracted to girls and sometimes I feel like it's real or it's false attraction. Sometimes it just hits you and you get scared. Idk, sometimes I feel like I'm lying too so there's that. It just sucks.

I honestly relat to you so much. Yours post sounds like every other HOCD post on here. I am going through the same thing wondering if I am a lesbian. I check out girls as well to see if I am attracted to them. It's become second nature to me and sometimes I don't realize I am doing it and then when it hits me I get so anxious because why the hell would I check out a girl if I wasn't gay. I even get hit with sexual images in my head. Attraction to guys isn't exactly there it feels like I force myself to look at guys to prove I am straight. As a result it feels like a lie. I can't even think of a relationship because again it feels like I am lying to myself. Sometimes it feels like I can't like guys anymore, and I want nothing more than to be able to like a guy right now. But I know I am not in the right mental state to do that.

But best thing to do is be aware that you are having a certain thought. Become aware of this thought, and then let go of it. Don't think about it, don't say anything about it. Just let it fade away. Another thing is agree with these thoughts and mean it. Whatever the thought may be, no matter how scary and how real it feels agree with it. Your anxiety will momentarily increase but eventually after a few minutes it will go down. Third thing that helps me a lot is keep yourself busy. Go out, and don't be afraid to go out. Trust me I am scared of stepping out of the house sometimes because I feel like I will end up liking a girl somewhere or get attracted to a girl. But go out, don't let it depress you. I can't emphasize this enough, because it will take over you in such a way that it will make your life more of a living hell. It already has that power don't feed it more. Please try these things and try to do some breathing exercises to help with anxiety.