I'm in need for desperate help HARM OCD PEOPLE

Hi okay so please no judgement in this post - every since I was younger I would dissociate through scenarios so I would for example put music home when home alone and imagine all types of scenarios where my crush would be out and be watching me dance etc and I would just act them out it was just a bit of fun (I'm also mildly histrionic) okay so I was acting of scenarios where he felt sorry for me and one day I acted out a scenario that I was reading out a poem at my mums funeral and he was there feeling sorry for me and then after we got together. I'm so upset by this.. it happened a year ago but now I'm starting to think why didn't that bother me! My mum is my best friend I love her I'm so so scared I'm going to kill her for attention I don't want to and now I'm scared all my HOCD thoughts are not OCD but they are real and deep down I'm going to turn into a crazy serial killer!!! Please someone help me please the scenario I played our last year I enjoyed I was crying in it but I never ever enjoy thoughts of my mum passing at all and I never ever fantasise over her death ever but now I keep having thoughts saying oh you would love to kill her imagine the attention and they are making me suicidal because the scenario I did last year is proof I'm a potential killer idk whether to tell the police so I can be on watch or something because I'm terrified I could do it!!!

You love her, so it must be OCD playing with your mind

The best thing you can do to be sure is to get some advice about these things from an expert, perhaps even ask a therapist. If I were that worried I would see a therapist just to be sure.

Yes I really do love her but I'm terrified because of my past I could be capable of doing it. I am seeing multiple therapists and they all say it's HOCD but they don't know about the scenario last year

EDIT: Apologies, this was posted more or less at the same time as you post, so it's largely in response to your first post. Maybe more details of your previous experiences your alluding to could frame this better. But anyway, in response to earlier...

You should go to a doctor as moleculeoflife suggested, you may think they may be judgemental (and as I don't know your local doctors, I couldn't say) but for me they weren't at all surprised by what I saying even though I said I was worried about killing other people. It's fundamentally not a police issue, and a decent doctor will see that.

In terms of treatment, I'd suggest decent CBT over drugs like SSRI from my personal experience. SSRIs in young people produce suicidal thoughts and give extremely vivid dreams, both of which they did for me - making me feel worse than the OCD they were supposedly treating. Maybe the best option is to try them, but to mention to your doctor you'd want to pull out fast if they weren't working out for you - for me I was advised to stay on them for 3 months after starting which I found pretty terrible, as I already knew in month 1 they weren't working out.

In terms of going to the police, I rang the emergency psychological helpline in my area. They didn't really help, they're only after people dissociating from reality from reality who are a danger to people, so people in that situation (if they're decently aware of these kind of issues) would I'd imagine give you similar advice to me.

I guess the best thing to try is to wait it out and try exposure therapy (from my own experience I think long term exposure when you've learnt about some CBT principles, if the only real way to break out of OCD, with or without therapy). Decent exposure would be talking to your mum about it, however that comes with the huge caveat of whether she's the kind of person who would be comfortable with such a discussion. If she isn't, you can get a pretty crap response and so regress - I'd guess you'd have to make that judgment call.

You mention your lack of fantasising about killing your mum, and that's more or less fundamentally the point - someone with a fundamental desire to kill someone does have a fantasising element about it. It's a good differential between yourself and a would-be serial killer.

Anyway, I hope you get better, and consider your options before moving forward in terms of an appropriate therapy. You should read a little about CBT and make an informed choice, if you can covertly buy an OCD self-help book you might get a better appreciate to inform you choices. Good luck, and though it's impossible, try not to worry so much.

Thank you for your response. I hate the thoughts but I can't stop thinking about it. And no last year like I said I did a scenario in my room where I was at my mums funeral and got attention from the crush etc (part of the histrionic) but I guess it's different because I wasn't thinking about hurting her at all and enjoying it I was just purely enjoying the "imaginary attention" I got from my crush but it still hurts me that I did this and I'm still convinced I'm a killer. But I do thank you for responding to me