OCD Has Finally Won--Don't Want To Live and I Need Support

A couple months ago I made my first post here, regarding my fears of an arousal disorder called pgad. Well I certainly didn't get any better and in fact only got worse. I started to move away from my pgad fear or so I thought, and more to a fear that I would think myself to an "o." This worried me but like a damn idiot I kept testing. This was causing me an extreme amount of anxiety and I actually attempted to take my life on January 12th. I took some extra clonazepam which I take for seizures and was hoping I'd die. Well I was rushed to the hospital and naturally survived. While there, I thought maybe I was pulling myself together, although it took 3 days or so for them to finally get me to eat. I left the hospital, wanting to go back to work and focus on seeing my therapist. However, I basically was a wreck again within a week.

A few days after I was discharged from the hospital, my pcp who prescribes these meds told me she was no longer going to give them to me. I told her that I just couldn't go cold turkey and how dangerous it was. She gave me a rapid taper as in 6 pills. I was taking 3 a day but had to basically taper in 3 days to 3-2-1. My last dose was one pill on January 29th. I contacted my doctor to let her know I was cold turkey and having withdrawals. I went to work the next day but on the 31st, all hell broke loose. I had taken a couple Benadryl before to try to sleep and I woke up and got into testing again, thinking about the feeling and next thing you know, this time around I had thought myself to the brink of it. It was awful and I felt disgusted, like some sort of freak. What's more is that the arousal feelings wouldn't stop. All the sudden my whole pelvis down to there tingled and kept feeling like I was on the brink of it or like small o's without me even thinking of it. I was freaking out and wound up in the ER. I had told my mother what was occurring and I'm not sure if she believed me but I did tell her I couldn't go on.

Well, I ended up having these feelings persist through the cab ride to the hospital, while at the ER, while in the ambulance to the mental health facility, and while at the mental health facility. This was HOURS! It was excruciating and demoralizing. When I got to the mental health hospital, they had to put me on Librium because they said I was at risk of surgery. As soon as they gave it to me, I fell asleep while they watched me all night, and I woke up with no more spontaneous sensations. While there, they eventually put me on a low dose of Valium 3 times a day and worked to get me eating again because I was malnourished. They wanted to start me on Luvox but I was nervous. I told them there about the feelings and they told me it was the mind body connection and my OCD. However I never heard of anyone with OCD thinking themselves to an "o" just groinal responses which was all I ever really had. I got released from the hospital on the 8th and set to googling but all that comes up us that disorder so I'm terrified that those feelings will return, or that I'll think the wrong thing and set it all in motion again. I've never been more scared and hopeless. I've had in plenty of health anxiety before but I sure never thought myself into ALS, pancreatic cancer, or ovarian cancer. I just can't believe this occurred. I go from extreme guilt to utter despair. I tried to tell myself maybe it was the OCD or maybe it was the med withdrawal, anything but that disorder. Then my anxiety kicks in and tells me that this unfortunately was a coincidence and the disease was just waiting to occur triggered by OCD testing. If anyone has thoughts and advice, I'd appreciate it. If worse gets to worse, I will return to the psych facility.