Losing to HOCD

I've been suffering from HOCD for like half a year now, and I'm sure most of you have seen some of my posts that describe my situation.

I'll try to make it short and simple, please read my previous posts for a quick sum up.

Yesterday, I've been to the psychiatrist again (been going there and got diagnosed with OCD) - I'm also on Zoloft.
It made things worse again. I wrote down my triggers and the psychiatrist started talking to me in a way that points towards the possibility of being gay. She started asking me questions if I checked what I feel when I look at men and what I feel when I look at women. I told her that I feel confused and don't know ehat attracts me more, also lost interest almost completely for girls.
She said - what I find pretty stupid - that I will never find out if I don't try and that I should try going out with girls more. She keeps asking me like 10 times what would be so wrong with being gay - my answer is always the same - I'm not sure, it doesn't feel like me.
The things she asked me and my answers showed towards me being gay - she was asking questions like if I get the nice feeling first and the anxiety comes later, when looking at men.
The thing is, I didn't even write down the worst things, like real feelings of attraction and so on...
If I wrote down everything, she would most likely think I'm just a gay in denial.
And this made things worse for me. I'm now completely convinced that I'm not straight and everything that happened before, I see it was true and I was and still am in denial because of the society and fear.

I really hope there is still a possibility of being straight - I'm pretty hopeless. I feel like soon enough I will just accept it and enjoy the gay life.

What do you think? I'm getting the feeling nobody can hrlp me and I'm either going to go crazy if this is OCD, or turn out to be gay pretty soon. I don't want to live like this and I really want help, but nobody can help me - because I truly am gay.

I'm sure everything was just denial and I'm pretty sure I enjoy fantasizing about men, but try to deny it. I'm sure it's not possible that OCD can cause all of this. It's too much proof. Sometimes I get legit arousal, and most of the times I feel real attraction.

When I read other posts, I feel like I have 20x more proof of being gay than them, and I clearly see that they have OCD and aren't gay - something that I really can't say about myself. It felt more like OCD at the start, now it feels like complete denial and just fear of being gay and accepting it.

I can't live like this. It has to stop or I'll die. I know I'm gay. But I can't believe it, I can't accept itc I will be miserable. No I won't - it's denial again, I will be happy being gay, I'm just scared of accepting it.
I need to get my life back, it can't be over so quickly.
Am I actually gay?

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Again, I can't offer any reassurance, but I can say 'ME TOO' to everything. I too have had therapists who just repeatedly ask me why being gay is so scary for me, and I'm always like, "I don't know. I don't know. I don't know." Which just makes me feel worse. I too have been afraid to be honest, about feelings of attraction, or what I fear is attraction. Or feeling the fear that I'd enjoy it or that I want to do it.

When I read other posts, I don't even get reassurance any more. I'm so far beyond it. I've been suffering for over three years with HOCD (I've had two other instances of this when I was in college and again in high school). I too feel like waaaaaay gayer than everyone else on here (haha).

I've also been to 6 (SIX!!) therapists now.

So you're not alone in feeling hopeless.

BUT...the therapist I have now is off to a good start. I know she's good, because she doesn't waste time asking me the questions we both hate. We're going full-on into ERP. So I recommend finding someone who is more like my therapist. One who doesn't waste time asking you all of these questions that just leads to more obsessing. As I said, I had a therapist before who was similar to yours, and I didn't get any better.

Feel free to PM me or anything if you want to talk more.
Keep your head up. There is hope.

I'm sorry to read youre in such a situation. I myself am also suffering but from what I hope is POCD. I also feel like I'm in denial and when I read others posts about pocd they truly have just pocd. But my case sounds like pedophilia I also once wrote that I think Im actually attracted to 10-13 year olds.. Like wtf even..

Were you ever attracted to girls? Also how old are you?
Could you read some of my topics and tell me honestly what you think?

Guys, you are not gay at all and you do know it deep inside.
There are just thoughts that drive you crazy, just thoughts!
Go, find a good therapist because it is totally worth.
I know it is not simple at all, but you will find peace one day.
Again, you are not gay. I passed throught everything you said upthere and I can tell you that being gay means something else. When you feel real atraction you simply don't waste time questioning.
But unfortunatedly this is the anxiety, it comes with doubs and obsessive thoughts.



Peace!

Thank you all for your answers. They can calm me down a little.
The thing is, I feel like I KNOW that I'm gay and just don't want to accept it.
The psychiatrist told me people my age (17) often don't know their orientation yet - ###$!
Guys even seem to put me in mood quicker than girls at times?!?! I've lost the interest for girls completely. I can't tell if the attraction I'm feeling towards guys is anxiety or actual attraction - it feels very real to me, and sometimes I even think about a guy subconsciously and realise it later and find out that I probably liked it.
I just feel like I'm showing all these OCD symptoms because of this extreme denial that I'm in. I even read on emptyclosets that you can have OCD, but it doesn't mean you are not actually gay.
I REALLY hope that there is a chance nothing is real.

@sophisma7 - Great answer, I hope you get through whatever you're suffering from.
I'm in a similar situation, where reading these posts no longer offers me reassurance, because I just feel like I have much more proof than everybody on here, and I feel like people tell everybody that they have HOCD, even if they were truly gay - this is what I'm fearing aswell.

@ConfusedAndAfraidGuy - I did read some of your posts, but I'm not really the one that can give you any advice, since I'm on the same boat. Yes, I believe I was attracted to girls before this started to happen - I started to even question that, though - I'm 17.

@oana123456 - Even though I appreciate your answer for the reassurance it gives - I feel like this isn't true for me. I don't know if I still know that I'm not gay 'deep down'. It just feels like denial to me now. Knowing that you went through the same things is helpful and I thank you for your answer.
- "When you feel real atraction you simply don't waste time questioning."
Now, when I think about it - I feel like I don't even question it anymore - I feel like I'm convinced that I'm a gay in denial. I THINK I used to question it a lot, but I'm not sure I still do. I hope I do. I'm just confused and don't know anything anymore.

As I said - it fels more like OCD at the beginning, when I was depressed and kept checking for arousal 24/7. Now I'm not so depressed (I'm on Zoloft aswell) and sometimes when I think about touching a guy I feel like I would really enjoy it. I can't believe what I'm saying and what is happening to me, I can't believe that there is a serious possibility that I'm gay. The words that the psychiatrist said really made me think even further - and made me believe even more that I'm faking the anxiety. Just because I'm in denial caused by the fear of "coming out".

I really want this to end happily, so I can enjoy my life and have a good time overall. But I'm seriously starting to doubt that.

I think the anxiety is actually faked by me. I just tried to be calm and enjoy the thoughts and I could do it. I'm just in denial. There is absolutely no way that all these attractions and fantasies and so on are caused by OCD. It can't be. I am actually gay and I fear that I'm slowly accepting it. I just felt attracted to my brother's butt.
I probably don't even have the classic OCD tendencies anymore. I think I used to feel I'm probably not gay 'deep down', now I feel like I know I'm gay 'deep down'.
If anyone went through the same thing, and were convinced they are gay, but got out of it straight, please tell me about it.

I'm a 17 year old girl who suffers with HOCD as well. I think the fact that you are going over it in your head this much, obsessing over it, etc is proof enough that this is the OCD doing this to you. People with HOCD constantly say it feels real. And that's the thing about these fears - your brain goes over every possible piece of "evidence" against what you believe to be true, and soon enough you've convinced yourself. But you said you liked girls, and your sexuality doesn't just change one day. I don't think that you're gay, I just think you have a deep case of HOCD that's so bad that you've convinced yourself. I don't think you're in denial because you shouldn't have to obsessively think about these things and convince yourself they turn you on and stuff to be gay. If you were gay it would be a lot more simple than that. I think the key to this situation is seeing a better therapist. The one you're seeing clearly does not understand what's going on with you very well. You need to see an OCD specialist. That's what I'm seeing and she understands everything. All of my obsessive thoughts, even the groinal responses and false attractions... She's heard it all from other clients and she knows these are the product of OCD. You say you "think" maybe you could enjoy being gay you just can't accept it.... Why can't you accept it? Because you're not gay. You're just so deep into your mind and thoughts that you're trying to fathom any possible thing and it's tearing you apart. Whether you think you're gay or not, you are definitely showing signs of OCD and you need to see someone who specializes in that. And by the way your loss of attraction to girls is a normal thing. I've almost completely lost attraction to boys, not completely but a lot of it is gone. It will come back. I have a question. Do you wish you could go back to how you felt before this started, being attracted to girls and without your fear of being gay? If your answer is yes I feel like that's the answer. If you'd be happy feeling like that forever, and the reason you feel this way is because these thoughts started, then maybe that says something. I know if I could switch this off and live how I was living before I'd be more than happy. It's OCD. It's the thoughts that are tormenting you. See someone who specializes in OCD and let them help you make sense of everything. I'm hoping for the best for you, I know you can get through this!!!

-- Sat Feb 18, 2017 7:20 pm --

I'm a 17 year old girl who suffers with HOCD as well. I think the fact that you are going over it in your head this much, obsessing over it, etc is proof enough that this is the OCD doing this to you. People with HOCD constantly say it feels real. And that's the thing about these fears - your brain goes over every possible piece of "evidence" against what you believe to be true, and soon enough you've convinced yourself. But you said you liked girls, and your sexuality doesn't just change one day. I don't think that you're gay, I just think you have a deep case of HOCD that's so bad that you've convinced yourself. I don't think you're in denial because you shouldn't have to obsessively think about these things and convince yourself they turn you on and stuff to be gay. If you were gay it would be a lot more simple than that. I think the key to this situation is seeing a better therapist. The one you're seeing clearly does not understand what's going on with you very well. You need to see an OCD specialist. That's what I'm seeing and she understands everything. All of my obsessive thoughts, even the groinal responses and false attractions... She's heard it all from other clients and she knows these are the product of OCD. You say you "think" maybe you could enjoy being gay you just can't accept it.... Why can't you accept it? Because you're not gay. You're just so deep into your mind and thoughts that you're trying to fathom any possible thing and it's tearing you apart. Whether you think you're gay or not, you are definitely showing signs of OCD and you need to see someone who specializes in that. And by the way your loss of attraction to girls is a normal thing. I've almost completely lost attraction to boys, not completely but a lot of it is gone. It will come back. I have a question. Do you wish you could go back to how you felt before this started, being attracted to girls and without your fear of being gay? If your answer is yes I feel like that's the answer. If you'd be happy feeling like that forever, and the reason you feel this way is because these thoughts started, then maybe that says something. I know if I could switch this off and live how I was living before I'd be more than happy. It's OCD. It's the thoughts that are tormenting you. See someone who specializes in OCD and let them help you make sense of everything. I'm hoping for the best for you, I know you can get through this!!!

I totally agree with purplestripes18, you show signs of advanced Hocd.
A therapist will undoubtedly help you. I can recommend you mine if you want.
I am sure you have hocd, as pupestipes18 said, because you are saying all kind of things that show it.
You are 'confused'. When you are a gay in denial you are not
mich confised and don't doubt. Doubting is HOCD. You can't believeing saying you are gay? why? what's wrong with being gay?

There is noting wrong with being gay, so be you gay or not you SHOULD NOT have those thoughts and bad feelings. There are lots of very happy gay people out there.


You will overcome it, I am sure!:)

I really appreciate your kind answers, and hope for the best for you aswell.