HOCD or not

For the past 2 months i have been suffering from what seems to be HOCD. I've read so many forums and researched so much on it and find that I am going through exactly what has been described as HOCD. Of course I still doubt that I have it and I've only ever self-diagnosed myself.

This all stemmed from the first time someone called me lesbian. From then on I guess I always had the fear of being one because I became more conscious of the way I act around women and I would sometimes check myself to make sure I'm still okay. 2 months ago was definitely a mental breakdown for me not only did I have constant anxiety but I also went into a depressive state. I thought my life was over because my sexual orientation had "switched". I obsessed over the thought. Every time I even just looked at girls in public I would kick myself for it and tell myself that I am gay.

I would sit in my room and research gays and lesbians all day which only fuelled the anxiety. I suffered a sever panic attack during the night.I constantly looked for reassurance that i am straight and still do. i would force myself to think of lesbian thoughts just to see my reaction to them. Now the intrusive thoughts have stuck and they don't give me anxiety anymore but make me extremely uncomfortable like as if i was having a sexual thought about a family member. I've become incredibly desensitised to it and am now trynna just forget about this whole thing.

I also lost my attraction to men so this is way harder. Before day dreaming about men came so naturally but now its not as enjoyable.I feel as thought this is because I am not really infatuated with the men I am day dreaming about.I just want to feel the attraction I had for the opposite sex again. i don't strongly believe i am lesbian anymore but i haven't felt straight in a long time

I feel the same way! About three years ago I was watching a show called The Fosters which starred a lesbian couple. I thought one of the moms was pretty, but that was it. My main focus was on one of the boys in the show, until someone asked if I was watching the show because I was a lesbian. Ever since then I've had nonstop thoughts about being a lesbian. I have joined LGBT forums to ask them what they think, and if a lesbian would comment or tell me she thought I was a lesbian I would cry. I have taken so many Gay or straight tests and no matter what my result is I can't help but wonder if I was lying to get the straight result. The only time I'm free of the thought is when I'm asleep and it sucks! I get so tired of questioning and checking that i try to go along with my thoughts, although that often makes me more afraid and scared. I've watched so many coming out videos and stuff that it's like Im forcing myself to be LGBT. I know exactly what you mean when you say you are desensitized to the images that go through your head. I had already watched a lot of porn (shame on me)and I did watch lesbian porn, but what scared me in the thoughts was that it was me with another girl and not some stranger from the internet. It really sucks losing your attraction because it's like "what the hell is happening to me". My biggest fear was that I was going to be a lesbian, but that wouldn't be right because every now and then I would still crush on a boy despite my anxiety. I then thought it was best to label myself bisexual. This was fine because I just tried to ignore the homosexual part of being bisexual. I get false attractions on my best friends and I don't want them to text me or sit near me or hang out with me because I feel I will be attracted to them. Or when one of my friend texts me and I get excited I worry if it's the same feeling I get as when one of my male crushes would text me. Sorry this is rambling and useless to you, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and i understand where you are coming from.

Literally everything you have just said i've been through. I even ended up catching strong feelings for a boy during this whole thing. But it is only obvious to me that i like him when I'm around him. When i'm not i keep having these thoughts which surpressed my feelings. Now its crazy because I met this psychiatrist student online and he told me I might be subconsciously gay and i totally freaked out. I can recall events like the first time I heard the word lesbian which freaks me out because I go maybe that was a sign. I also watched the show the fosters but I always thought their son was the cute one and wanted him to be in a relationship with that pretty latino girl. lol. This is really hitting me because I have always been a hopeless romantic and I've always wanted a husband and kids. More than anything a husband now I'm scared because i dont feel that desire anymore. I wouldn't even mind being attracted to the same sex once in a while everyone feels that at some point in their life. But the fact that i don't feel anything for boys are the moment scares me so much. I don't even understand what subconciously gay is. So im soooo confused right now am I lesbian or not?

You're not gay!! The reason you don't feel anything for boys right now is because when you go through anxiety and especially OCD surrounding your sexuality, it's very common to lose that drive and attraction to your preferred gender. It's still there, you just don't feel it right now because your OCD and mind are telling you otherwise. Your mind is extremely powerful, you'd be surprised what it can do. I know it's scary but trust me if you are feeling miserable and anxious about these thoughts and constantly obsessing over them, you have OCD. If in your past you were heterosexual then you still are, your sexuality can't just change overnight. You're born whatever sexuality you are, and it doesn't change and you can't "turn" gay. And also being subconsciously gay is not a thing. Whoever told you that clearly doesn't know what they're talking about. If you were gay and didn't know it, you wouldn't have felt an attraction to guys and been interested in them romantically/sexually. Some people do take a while to realize their true sexuality, but this isn't your case. You knew you were straight, and now you're obsessing that you might be gay because of OCD. Please seek help and therapy! I'm going through the same HOCD and I promise seeing an OCD specialist helps. They know exactly what to do and how to change these thought processes. They'll teach you how to cope with and eventually conquer OCD. I promise you can get through this, you don't have to feel this way forever! Wishing you the best

In my opinion you do have HOCD and you are not a lesbian. I once suffered from this too and I can really relate your post. I lost my attraction towards men altogether and the only thing I thought was "do i find that girl attractive". Anxiety and obsessing over things can cause the lost of attraction towards the gender you preferred before and even sexual related things altogether. When my OCD finally calmed down with therapy I got my attraction back! I hope I helped somehow and calmed you down even a little because I know you need that and you have nothing to worry about. I suggest that you should seek help or a professional to talk to so they can help you more.