I don't know what to feel anymore [rOCD]

I'm absolutely floored right now with these feelings I have. Now, I have had these issues for nearly a year. It's ebbed and flowed over time, and now it's just socking me in the gut once more.

I have a boyfriend. He is the most amazing, sweetest, kindest man I have ever met. I've never met someone as compassionate, funny, and all around amazing to be around than him. I get emotional just thinking about it... but howdy-doody OCD rears it's ugly head in and takes it away from me.

There are many things my OCD preys on.
> I can't enjoy another person's company without wondering if I'm falling for them.
> I wonder if I am gay, or turned on by girls. I mean, they cute, but its just not me.
> I can't stop judging my boyfriend for flaws he has, ones I don't care about normally.
> I question if this is my OCD or if I really don't want to be with my BF.
> I wonder if I am missing out on dating other people.
> I wonder if this will work out, since it's long distance.
> I worry that, when we do meet, I'll be too anxious to enjoy him being there, and that ruining it all.
> I worry that because I don't feel infatuated 24/7 with this man, that I don't love him.
> I can't get this weird thought out of my head that he looks like my sister.
> I always test my feelings when I think of being with him in person, freaking myself out.
> I feel like sometimes I just say "I love you" without meaning it, although I know I do.
> I wonder if I'll end up like my mother and my father. [More below]
> I can't stop focusing on the negatives.
> I think because we're young, we're not going to last.
> I worry about getting this OCD when I get to be with him in person, and have it ruin everything.
> Sometimes I feel like he would be better off without me, or vice versa, and I hate the thought.
> I become numb to love.
> I can't help but cry in call with him sometimes because it hurts so bad.
> I can't stop looking online for reassurance that this is just my OCD making me feel this.
> Sometimes I loose all faith in the idea that I love him.

I've had these things for ages... About my mother and father part, my mother didn't love my dad, but stayed with him anyways because she felt bad and didn't want to hurt his feelings. Now I'M thinking I'm going down the same road... but I know deep down I love him, and while I don't want to hurt his feelings ever, I do truly want to be with him. But no matter what I do, I get so anxious at the thought of being with him now. Like I can feel myself enjoying things with him, but get a sharp pang of "hahaha no be scared."

This is the longest relationship I've had, and I wonder sometimes if I have a fear of commitment because of how I react to more serious things like me and him meeting in person, moving in with him, etc. I also wonder if I'm just going through the ending phase of the "honeymoon" phase. I've never made it out of there before with my last and only other boyfriend I've ever had. Is it normal to not feel love sometimes? I don't get turned on a whole lot, but I have a feeling that's more medication than anything, since my dosage has gone up since the start.

It's been off and on so much with my anxiety, that I really wonder if it's just my OCD and severe anxiety. If there is something wrong. If I actually don't love my boyfriend, and this is all just proof. Can I not be with him?

I know I want to be with this guy, but 'forever' just scares me... but it always has. Can't stand the idea of growing old and dieing. It just scares me...

If anyone can give my advice, please do. I just want to be relaxed and let my emotions ebb and flow without questioning every damn thing. I just want to be happy with my man.

Is it normal to not feel love sometimes?

Of course! It is perfectly normal.
The most important question to ask then seems to be the following:
Whenever you're feeling incapable of loving him or appreciating his presence, what are you feeling then?
Will you generally become overwhelmed by doubtful thoughts such as the ones you have summarized up above?

I know I want to be with this guy, but 'forever' just scares me...

Why should you be projecting so far off into the future anyways?
The distant future does not exist yet, so why bother?

Can't stand the idea of growing old and dieing. It just scares me...

It scares plenty of us, so surely no need to presume you're the only one overcome by fears such as these, or that you're an exception to the rule. No, on the contrary.

I just want to be relaxed and let my emotions ebb and flow without questioning every damn thing.

Well, those two expressions of desire rather contradict themselves, for if you wish to allow your emotions to ebb and flow naturally, you're certainly going to experience emotions that will prevent you from staying relaxed, at least for a short while.

The most important thing is how you react towards your emotions.
If you resist the arrival or expansion of certain emotions, and categorize them negatively beforehand or in the midst of them flaring up, then you're going to make it even harder on your self to stay relaxed or composed, or generally satisfied.

Seems like you could benefit a great deal of befriending your emotions rather than resisting them so heavily and perhaps even villifying some of them.

Verily, your emotions exist to serve you, yet in order for them to serve you well, you have to first develop a reasonable understanding of their meaning and purpose, and what they may some times be trying to indicate or tell you.

I can still feel the love for my boyfriend. It's there... I just wish I would stop doubting myself and let me just feel love. He's there when no one else is.. He's never doubted my love, and sees through my anxiety. He makes me feel beautiful, loved...and I love him. I just wish I could stop focusing on my negative feelings.

Dear KYBombshell:

Your anxiety- I think of anxiety as this roaming fear in the brain, looking for a place to nest, be it this fear or that or the other. I suffered from anxiety for five decades, more, I think. Still do but healing very recently, in the process of healing, that is. Started with my first competent psychotherapy in 2011 (late in life)- what a process.

I had Tourette and OCD since five or six, then, like a dirt ball of mental disorders, gathering more and more, I did gather more... depression, of course, borderline personality disorder, eating disorders... My life was a lot of suffering, lots and lots of distress. But really, this healing is working. If you started earlier, at a younger age than me, it can work for you too. Really. Oh, I had such an ROCD that the man, whomever he was, looked completely different very soon, like really ugly, to me when before he looked handsome. It was like.. what just happened, who is this ugly, ugly dude? And it was over that fast because it looked like a different person.

Anyway, I am now happily married, and he looks the same every day.

Competent psychotherapy for you...?

atina

-- Sat Feb 04, 2017 7:27 pm --

* Back to check the box by "notify me when a reply is posted"

I don't know exactly how to help you since I also struggle with a little bit of OCD.

But I'm going to try to write my story to see if it helps you feel better. My OCD involves things like magical thinking, for the most part and doing compulsions. I can't think of other aspects of my OCD. Sometimes, I hate my OCD. I get angry whenever I see something that causes me to have feelings of fear and anxiety. It makes me so angry that I want to go insane. I feel like if I see the clock at a certain time or if I don't watch or count the number of times that I walk on a color, that I could make something bad happen.

Sometimes, I'll get overwhelmed in a social situation and worry if I'm coming off as disrespectful. That may cause the situation to be awkward. I hate when social situations become awkward. I tend to come off as a shy and socially awkward person.

In terms of your situation, I think the best thing not to do is overthink. Overthinking damages your quality of life. If you overthink your relationship with your boyfriend, then you'll be more likely to run into mistakes. I know it's hard not to worry but you can't worry about the future. You can't worry about the future of your relationship. All you can do is the best you can try.

I'm probably a hypocrite for some of the stuff that I'm saying on here.

I am not an expert at OCD but since I struggle with it myself. But this is the best I could suggest to you. If you can, you can always find a professional to help you with this. If not, you can always rely on this community for help.

Woah, I couldn't relate more to your post. I suffered from rOCD when I was in my last relationship. My best advice for you is to seek help. I am a really bad over thinker and I know how hard it is to actually stop overthinking but when you have a professional to talk to, it will calm you down eventually and your thoughts should go away when you stop stressing over those thoughts. I don't know how much you have talked to your boyfriend about your thoughts and feelings, but I kindly suggest you to not to use him as therapist as I used my ex boyfriend and eventually he got mentally tired. Of course you can and should tell your bf how you are feeling but I suggest not having him as the only supporter the only person to talk about your OCD. I hope my reply was somehow helpful.