Terrified I am asexual

Ok this will be a long post. I've had OCD and obsessions for as long as I could remember. Up until age 12, I had frequent crushes on exlusivly boys and was a little boy crazy. Up until then, at age 12, I had a rampant and severe bought of HOCD and sexual obsessions to follow for about 1 year, I never really got over it and it has been recurring every since. I'm 19 now and while I've had crushes and romantic attraction to guys since then, as far as sex I've been somewhat terrified and disgusted of any and all sexual contact. I think this has to do with the HOCD when I was younger, it set in right as puberty did and every sexual thought for guys I had i dismissed as untrue and false. Basically, since it set in so early I'm not sure if I have always been asexual and will never enjoy or get to have sex or if this is because of the OCD. For the past few years at least I have had zero sex drive and it's really starting to bother me and infringe on my life in a big way. I want nothing more than to have a boyfriend and a normal, healthy sex life. The idea of never being able to experience true sexual attraction or a romantic relationship absolutely terrifies me. I'm convinced I'll end up alone because I will never be able to experience sexual attraction and that worries me even more! I'm going to seek out therapy in the hopes it will help but I doubt it, i think I'm unfixable. My own theory is that my sexual aversion is do to negative emotions and anxiety regarding sexuality at the important age of 12/13. I think that if my OCD never developed I would have progressed normally as far as sex goes but if I'm asexual than thats not the case and I'll have to live my whole life like this which I really don't want.

Hi Julia,

OCD is an odd beast, and it certainly manifests itself in different people in many different ways. However, the fact that this started when you were pretty young is probably quite typical for many (if not most?) of us on these forums. The fact that you've identified your current situation as being affected by what happened when you were young is probably right on the money.

That being said, you've already taken the right steps by seeking out a therapist. If you can, try to find one that deals with sexuality topics as well as OCD, as these two topics are obviously related in your case. OCD therapy is a slow process so try to go easy on yourself as you work your way through it.

Above all, you deserve to have the kind of love and intimacy you want with a man. There is nothing wrong with the concerns you have, and any doubts about yourself are a natural byproduct of your feelings. Your therapist will help you work through them in great detail. You might even discover other things about yourself that you didn't even realize were contributing to the issue(s).

Also, I can personally attest that there is nothing "disgusting" about sex. It's a very natural act for all living creatures, despite the stigma that society puts on it. The first time is usually the toughest for people (it was for me, at least), and for many people it becomes unpleasant only because of the circumstances they were in at the time (ie, they were drunk, too nervous, had to do it without getting caught, etc). But don't let that stop you - It's an absolutely wonderful experience with the right person, and I believe that part of the solution to your problem (along with the therapy) would be to find the right man who is patient and sympathetic to your feelings. It might be difficult to find him, but don't lose hope - he's out there somewhere. Just take it slow and don't rush into anything.

Good luck Julia, I really hope it all works out for you!

Hey I know this is a late reply but I feel exactly the same as you...

I'm a 23 yo guy so I can't really say I go through the same things as you do but the part about the sexual anxiety thoughts at age 12/13 really resonated with me. I'm going to start taking medication soon as I feel that's the only way I can undo what OCD/anxiety has done to me. I also definitely feel the same way about not being able to find a partner because of this.

How are you now? Did you end up going to a therapist?