PLEASE HELP POCD OR PEDO FEEL SUICIDAL!!!!

So i stopped reassurance and checking and compulsions for a period of time. I felt amazing. But i spiked. When i was 14 I was addicted to porn. I searched up more and more taboo stuff . I started masturbating to 14 and 13 year olds cuz i thought it was taboo. I got bored. I think during that time i must have masturbated to an 11 year old once or twice. I started doing more taboo stuff like sick stuff like masturbating to incest. My family members. rape etc. The 13 year old phase stopped i no longer masturbated to 13 year olds. I cant remember if i went under 12 but i think i did a couple of times. But it passed. I like taboo stuff. So i masturbated to other stuff like i said. One day i thought maybe im a pedophile! $#%^! cuz i masturbated to a 9 year old when i was 14 once, i felt disgusted afterwards so i never did it. I was never attracted to kids in real life but i felt groinal responses after the obsession started ( THERE WAS NO ANXIETY, THAT'S WHAT SCARED ME I GOT TINGLES WITHOUT ANXIETY). In the summer i masturbated to girls my age and one day i was checking by masturbating and i thought no i shouldent by doing this no no. I could have closed my eyes and the taboo nature would have gotten me off. Since then i was obsessing. I think this has a lot to do with hormones and pron addiciton. As i said when i stopped compulsions and stopped masturabating this mostly went away. I obsess if i have romantic feelings ( I never have, i've had a crush on a 9 year old when i was 10, i had a crush on a 13 year old when i was 14( the same girl) I had a crush on a 16 year old when i was 15 and another 15 year old when i was 15, I never had a crush on a kid.) I search for reassurance the intrusive thoughts started after the obsession got worse, i have groinal responses, i check constantly i look away for kids, or look at them too long to check. Whenever i get better my mind tells me why did you masturbate to kids then, i think it was cuz its taboo and hormones but i obsess. I check if i hate child molesters enough and i can only stop when i fell the appropriate amount of anger. IF IM NOT A PEDOPHILE WHY DID I MASTURBATE TO THEM. i think i masturbated to people under 12 like 6 times MAX. out of my 2000 masturbation about adults. PLEASE REPLY QUICK I SWEAR ITS THE LAST TIME ILL ASK. sometimes im aroused without checking. but its like my mind is automatically checking like ill only look at a kid to check. I used to do the same with when i was obsessed i was gay by checking and checking and i could also get off to gay thoughts cuz it was taboo now its not so taboo so i cant. I also used to masturbate to family members like my mom ( IK weird blame my hormones) but was never atttracted to her in real life so i used to obsess if i was attracted to her by checking and checking. I NEVER WAS. IT WAS ALL PORN ADDICITON I NEEDED MORE TABOO STUFF. I used to masturbate to teens when i was 14 but my mind keeps telling me i only did that cuz they looked young.URGENT PLEASE REPLY ASAP. I used to dismiss all this as i had weird phases as im addcited. Panties, teens, incest, rape , $#%^, etc. But you know those things you do when ur addicted and masturbating and are never attracted afterwards. Those times i masturbated to those people younger 12 like 5 or 6 i feel sick cuz of it. I check for reassurance, i check in general, Anxiety all the time doubting intrusive thoughts etc.


*mod edit* I think i suffer from desentization to normal women and thus it stemmed to my ocd. UR opinion? IM BEGGING YOU PLEASE REPLY.

I don't think you're a real pedophile. I think it's POCD

Btw you might look at my other topics.. I'm also confused about my sexuality. I am so done about it. It kinda ruins my life. I also did masturbate to pedo things before I think.

EDIT: While typed that I don't think felt guilt or something.. Ugh I really feel like I am a pedo, it feels like I'm in denial and know I am one. Also my (sexual) attraction for adults feels very minor

Hey confusedandafraidguy. I feel a lot better now. Just live life normally ignore everything just masturbating to these things occasionaly doesent make you a pedo its a lot deeper than that. Ignore the past focus on now IK its hard but its helping me. If youre not fantasizing constantly have an emotional bond and always think about kids sexually thats pedophilia. NO WORRY, MAYBE SOME GUILT BUT WORRRY AND DENIAL ARE DIFFERENT. IK my orientation is heterosexual i just have to accept that i did some weird $#%^ as a teen.

Hey confusedandafraidguy. I feel a lot better now. Just live life normally ignore everything just masturbating to these things occasionaly doesent make you a pedo its a lot deeper than that. Ignore the past focus on now IK its hard but its helping me. If youre not fantasizing constantly have an emotional bond and always think about kids sexually thats pedophilia. NO WORRY, MAYBE SOME GUILT BUT WORRRY AND DENIAL ARE DIFFERENT. IK my orientation is heterosexual i just have to accept that i did some weird $#%^ as a teen.

But I think about children sexually but I don't want it and dont even masturbate to the thoughts but it feels so real and feels like I want to. Btw I still like things like old/young porn and incest themed porn.. Can we talk about it in PM maybe? Im a mess and really could use some people to talk to.

Btw I'm glad you're feeling better!