I feel defeated (HOCD) please, please read..

Gosh darn it. I feel sick. I feel awful.

I'm still a lesbian, right? I really hope I am. I don't want to be straight.

Girls used to feel so gosh darn right. It was amazing, comfortable, and most of all right! It was who I truly was, and what I hope I still am.

But now everytime I reassure myself of who I am, I get this stupid twing in my chest. And a quiet voice in my head says "wrong." I feel absolutely demolished. This has never happened before. Girls always felt right until stupid now. The last time I heard this stupid, stupid voice was when I WAS wrong about something.

The first time this happened, (the beginning of last school year) I felt lonely, and I tried imagining being with a girl to cheer myself up. But something felt off. It's like something inside of me just clicked off. I felt terrible. It's like my mind and heart just reset.

But I was still able to sexually fantasize regularly. But I stopped enjoying romantic fantasies. But lesbian still felt like a part of my identity. I didn't really want a relationship. I just knew I wanted it eventually.

I don't know, but that's not the only thing that happened. I stopped having empathy for people, and emotions in general. And my morals got jacked up.

This is absolutely awful. Girls felt so right to me. Why did it have to go away?? I felt happy the way I was!!
I rode a huge wave of euphoric, right feelings of fantasizing about and crushing on girls. Guys didn't feel quite as amazing as girls did. They never did. Girls were so much more powerful, and they felt truly genuine. Why not now??

I feel like the devil came, snatched my heart, drained my feelings, and replaced then with something else. I feel like I've been changed beyond my control and now there's nothing I can do to get my lesbian feelings back again.

I never liked guys. Before this crap started, I always preferred women's bodies, and I never noticed men's. But now women seem weird to me.
Before this crap started, I always had fantasies about the same sex, and they were really good. But now every fantasy feels forced. (Even though my last good one was just last month... or earlier this month, can't remember.) My strongest desires, romantic and sexual, were GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS and they were GOOD GOOD GOOD. But now I can't feel a thing anymore.

I don't care if Im straight ok?? But boys will never compare to the feelings I had for girls. They're so lackluster compared to girls. A life with men would be dull, boring and bland. I just don't really want it. I could tolerate, but they'd just feel like friends. Their bodies disgust me. But I feel like I have no other option now. It makes me want to break down and cry.

I want my real feelings back. I want to be me. I used to think I was straight but that was before I realized how amazing girls are. I want to die. I can't live without this. Please help. If something like this felt so right in the past, it couldn't possibly change right?? I've been defeated. I am defeated. I just want a special girl to come into my life so I know things are fine.
I know I like girls a lot more than guys. I just don't care about relationships anymore. I don't get any feelings from them anymore. What if the voice is right? Was I just in denial this whole time? What if all this reassuring and disgust was just me pushing away the truth?

But what if this is all a thing of the past now..? Is my path of being with girls the wrong one? Is it completely destroyed now? Will I never experience same sex attraction (emotional and physical) ever again? I hope not.. I really hope not.. I miss girls.. I don't want to let them go..

Hey again Kip. Im gonna go ahead and say I bet my last dollar that you're really a lesbian, but I wouldn't do anything with that information. HOCD can lock you in a box and make you angrily scratch the walls trying to feel like yourself again, but it's a Chinese finger trap. You want to reassure yourself and reduce the anxiety you feel but that's just a temporary sort of catharsis. You need to cut the compulsions out that build the anxiety, every spike is worthy of only a 'maybe, now back to what I was doing'.

You should really not be trying to look for signs that you are still a lesbian or that you aren't. And just go with it that you are. Besides, fantasies sexual or not are just that, fantasies they aren't real life. I don't think there's any real proof that fantasies are meaningful other than that they are safe to enjoy regardless of their contents if you have them. ( I do not )

Thanks guys.

Hexrem, I looked up the Chinese finger trap.. that sounds exactly like what I'm going through lol.

Jdd, I can agree with you to an extent. But what about good fantasies? Not just random ones, but the ones that really come to life? The ones that feel like they are coming from your heart and soul's deepest desires? Ones that feel right? What about those?

Well considering I don't have those I don't know how I can honestly say much about them. So... what about them?

Fantasies are still fantasies. I don't think it would be considered a fantasy if you truly really didn't consider it good and I don't mean from a religious or family point of view. Sexual orientation is one of many abstract ideas that really is borderline impossible to actually define. How do you really know what's "coming from your heart and soul?" Can you explain them? There are no hidden deep desires, or repression that is all Freudian era bull-crap.

My stance is why does acceptance have to mean stop of science into orientation and sexuality? Pushing everyone to forcefully agree with LGBT activism or said person is automatically homophobic if not? That's not really the way most things in this world work.

I can agree with you, "repression" is just flat out bull.

When I have something I love that I truly feel is me, I kinda just know, that's what I'd call a deep desire from my heart and soul. It's just basically really strong feelings. I never said repression existed.

Seeing as you claim you've never had a fantasy, I don't expect you to understand where I'm coming from, that's ok.

Its just a different experience. Maybe you'd say I'm ace but I'm not. Which therein lies many issues with today's f'd up sexual orientation debates. This must mean this, this must mean that. And it can definitely latch on to why you struggle with HOCD your HOCD too because you expect things to mean something because that is what you were told by someone that it means.

I know I have feelings for specific people (well 1 person) I just don't experience a random sexual fantasies out of the blue.

Sorry I probably sound really stupid in asking this but what is "repression"?

Also I really think I can relate to you with that feeling in your chest. I get one all the time and I always think that it's the butterflies in your stomach you get when you're attracted to them. But I feel it in my chest. It feels like it leaves me short of breath.

Also for how long did you think you were straight? And how did you find out? Anxiety I feel really started for me around age 11/12 and I'd say around then I got thoughts like "my friends all hate me" always thinking of my weight , appearance etc and then thoughts came like "I could be gay" and along that nature but we're usually brushed off in seconds. Is that what you experienced or did you just crush on or notice girls more?

I've always liked girls I remember when I was 9 years old there was a picture of me and a girl on our communion day. At that time I really liked the girl. Just had it for her for some reason and I always wanted to put the picture on display kind of cause it made me look like I was with her or something I'm not to sure. Stupid but it was a long time ago. Also my first kiss when I was around 12 I remember feeling so proud of myself so excited and happy. And that night I lay in bed and just thought about it so much. is that how you felt with experiences like your first kiss off a girl and stuff? And when you realised you were did you obsess over it or how did you take it?

Sorry I'm just as clueless as you about it so I'm not much help. but it sounds a lot like OCD for you and I hope one day you can live your life how you want and not have this s#!t bothering you. Good luck.

I agree Jdd, sexual orientation should be determined by what feels right to the person.

And Afnadyrell, I only believed myself to be straight for a short period of time. I assumed it was what I was because it was the default/norm. But I was never actually excited about relationships with boys. It's just what "all girls" grew up to be, so I just assumed it was what I was "meant to be".

I used to think I genuinely liked guys, but looking back at it, I never really did at all. I always thought just because I thought a guy looked cool thought it meant I like him, which wasn't true, I just appreciated their looks. I also thought just because I enjoyed hanging out with a guy meant I likes him emotionally, which also wasn't true. Those were just friend feelings. But because I didn't develop my real attractions yet I had nothing to compare it to.

However, before I knew I was gay, yeah, I was aroused by the same sex more. I didn't think it meant anything then.

Several months after puberty started I found out I was gay. (I was 11 to be in fact) It was kind of an ephiphany. Unlike you, no, I didn't have any anxiety. I was very, very happy. I felt comfortable, amazing, and very right. And ever since then I've been proud of embracing who I am.

I identified as bi for about a few months until I fell in love FOR REAL for the first time with a girl, and only then did I realize what I felt for girls was much much stronger than what I thought I felt for guys, and I started identifying as pure gay.

I did bounce back to the bi label when that girl rejected me (as I was now desperate for a new crush) and when I found I tried to like guys, it felt like I was pretending.

So no, no anxiety over discovering I was gay. Unless you count the fear of what society would think of me. Otherwise, no, I was very happy in discovering myself!

As for kissing, haha, I haven't kissed yet. But I did spend the whole night awake thinking of kissing my crush and, like you, I felt euphoric and excited! It's a feeling I desperately wish to have again.

You're right but who's to say we can't discover more about it scientifically? The ways of changing were definitely WRONG before, but... that's going about learning anything the wrong way entirely IMO.

Why does everyone make kissing out to be this mega big thing? Yeah its great but its not really uber magical lol. I kissed my best friend several times recently and discovered that I do really like her (I'm a dude) but its not like its this end all things thing. I want to keep being around her and want to kiss more (and cuddle and sex eventually) but I just don't see it as described in the way Hollywood likes to picture this magical wow. Just like how Love at first sight does not exist either, its lust at first sight. Anyway, being with her feels like I want it and could spend the rest of my life with her? If it were all a lie in the end it wouldn't really matter to me because I don't feel like it is pretend.

Realistically though, how do you just know the feelings are different unless someone has educated you to think in such a manner though anyway? What tells you its just friend feelings? From my perspective the marker isn't that well defined and clear.

Everyone is free to be with who they want and I think that should apply to everyone and not just be forced what society thinks is right and that includes what some doctor says makes you gay or not. It should be personal choice.