fear of being transgender- stems off of HOCD

ive blogged so many times on me trying to overcome my hocd. ive been through so many ups and downs and upcoming events in my life are inspiring me to embrace these thoughts to get rid of them, and so much pressure with HOCD has been lifted off of me. anyways, my HOCD effected the way i saw myself. my compulsions were telling me to be really FEALLY feminine. i made sure every single time i walk, that i crossed my legs. in school i still look down and make sure i dont walk gay, i made sure my legs were ALWAYS always crossed while sitting, i made sure i kept my voice light and girly. i made sure i wore nice looking shoes and to never wear converse and after my hocd i dont think i can wear flannels again. but i knew deep down that im straight. lesbians please dont feel offended- im not homophobic at all, i just dont think i could ever date a girl. before i got my hocd, i wasnt as feminine, but i physically look really feminine. but i dont wear the most striking clothes, like i wear leggings and a hoodie often and i dont know it that indicates anything? i dont like using the time to pick out a really nice outfit and i just feel like its uncomfortable and a waste of time and money. but heres the tricky part: i really dont mind if my friends are joking around and call me "dude" or "sir" or refer to something about me as a boy. i dont feel offended, maybe sometimes i do, and that honestly REALLY scares me when i dont mind. its like i wouldnt mind being a guy and i feel like i could start getting anxiety off of this, oh god help me): i could never be transgender and i like being a girl. but always in my childhood, i was obsessed with boys and wanted to dress and act like them. when i like a boy, sometimes i talk and think like them because i have a crush on them. so maybe since boys are on my mind so much, i start to think like them. i think im starting to get transgender ocd???? am i just secretely a big tomboy on the inside? is this because ive always liked them and so my mind thinks since i think about cute guys all the time, i want to be like them? please help me):): and im afraid that if i am more boy-like, that ill start to like girls because my twisted-ocd mind is telling me so.
ok, i really doubt that i felt like a boy all the time before my HOCD. maybe im jsut exaggerating it. ive long forgotten how i felt before i got HOCD five months back. i wanted to dress nicer, and i also loved being inspired by other girls outfits and hairstyles. when i got HOCD, i was torturing myself by thinking that i wanted to be with them. im not saying that my HOCD is gone, but ever since i started taming t by embracing it, my minds been calmer for like 3 days. what do you guys think? is this my true self, or is it the aftermath of HOCD trying to claw at me???

again, i think this is just part of HOCD. when i wrote that post, i was feeling anxiety. i like being a girl and feeling pretty to get boys attention and looking pretty for myself. i guess earlier i was in an ocd mode. i guess i just have two sides to me- one side wants to be a really pretty girl with a great personality and the other side of me just doesnt really care. i guess no one is 100% feminine or masculine. i dont have boyish hobbies, i like shopping and hanging w friends and using makeup, but sometimes buying clothes is overwhelming and i dont have enough time. ive never actually thought about being a boy but i think it would be cool, not that id actually ever try anything to be a boy. id definetly rather be one than do any of these things my mind is telling me to do. i just focus on self image too much. hope all of you are feeling better and healing(: the mind will make you believe scary things so pls stay safe!!!

There's nothing wrong with being a tomboy- I prefer them, personally. Now you know you're not transgender, sweetie. Like you said, I don't think there's such a thing as 100% masculine, or feminine, and that would make for a very boring individual, even if such a thing existed. Don't let OCD fool you into over analysing every single thing you do, and think you have to be 100% anything....

reasons i could be trans:
-i played with both boy and girl toys
-i had 2 best friends that were boys
-when i have a crush on a friend thats a boy i tend to think like them or be like them all the time in an talking/acting sort of way to show that i like them, but that makes me feel crappy sometimes and out of place.
-i always wonder what people look like as the opposite gender, even with me, not in a "fantiscizing" sort of way, but just for fun
-im not as girly as other girls.
-when i got hocd, i started to imagine myself as a man more because of my thoughts with girls (this scared the hell out of me)
-when i was little, i crossed dressed about twice in my life only using my hair, just out of curiousity. i didnt take it seriously
-with this anxiety of me wondering all the time, i cant wonder if i enjoyed these experiences or not/:
-ive thought about what i would look like with a pixie cut, but i would never cut my hair off.
-i find myself to enjoy talking to boys, but i felt comfortable talking to girls before my hocd.
-i hate wearing dresses bc i dont feel pretty enough in them
-i now have to question if i envy boys or am just attracted to them and if i envy them. i dont necessarily think ive envied boys before, but now im starting to doubt that with every boy ive found attractive.

reasons i dont identify trans:
-ive never doubted myself about my gender at all in my life
-i have no signs of gender dysphoria
-i value my hair and how attractive i look
-im straight
-ive never thought of myself as a man
-i like looking pretty for boys
-i love wearing makeup
-i always really valued my girly looks but i started doubting that i valued them when i got my HOCD/trans OCD
-i feel super complimented when people call me pretty or cute, but sometimes i just dont feel like i naturally am so i deny it sometimes.
-i always felt jealous of girls and their pretty outfits
-when i first got the thought of being trans with my HOCD, i thought that was impossible and ridiculous and i would never give up being a girl, but now i cant answer that question anymore because of this doubt and it feels real):
-i was never open to the idea of being transgender. its just my belief that you should never change your genitals, but now i know what gender dysphoria is.
-my mom told me that when i was little, i dressed like a boy all the time. i was kind of grossed out as my reaction because i would never do that today.
-i never envied boys clothes, but sometimes i envy pretty girls with short hair because they look so good with it and wear perfect makeup, same goes with girls with long hair. but now im starting to think that i never envied long-haired girls before at all.
-i feel safe and at home knowing i used the womens bathroom with no doubt and females just feel safer to be with as a human being, but i couldnt stand to be around girls when i got HOCD
-when i was little i wore jeans to school. when i saw boys wearing the same jeans i felt embarassed and wanted girlier clothes
-if someone refers to me with he/him pronouns, i feel offended.
-i dont ever want to exchange my genitals or my body and its horrifying because i started to see myself with male genitals when i got HOCD): i started to feel masculine and i didnt like it at all
-at certain points in the day, i start to feel like my feminine self but when i ask myself if im trans, i start to go into deep thought about my past and i start doubting myself and i start to feel like a man):

OCD helps people to think things to death, doesn't it?

All the things in the first column, do not mean you have to be trans. Or even reasons you could be, in my opinion. Gender fluidity, questioning, etc., does not have to mean anywhere near trans.

Hey, friend. You know who else is a girl and feels like a boy sometimes? Me.

You know who else likes boy behaviors/activities better than feminine ones? Me.

You know who else is masculine and isn't transgender? Me.

Nope, I'm simply a tomboy/butch, and it doesn't make me less of a girl!

Transgender people are people who don't feel as if their body matches their gender, so they transition, hence the name trans. But you're already comfortable with your female body and identity, aren't you?

You're fine. Don't worry too much.

And my avatar's the original Hollywood crossdresser... and I have serious boob envy. Not Trans, either. Demiguy, maybe, but not Trans.