intrusive sexual thoughts about therapist(WTF?!?!?)

my mind went totally out of the gutter today. ive had hocd for quite a long time but this js absolutely just terrifying. my therapist, who is a lady, has really been helping me with my HOCD (i am a straight female) i have been starting to look up to her and i see her as a second mother. i really appreciate her being there for me and she totally understands my ocd, shes the only one i know who completely understands my fear. but today while i was in the shower, i got the worse thoght ever: "what if you saw your therapist in a sexual way? you look up to her so much" like wtf?! ive never felt more disgusted in my entire life. i had an actual panic attack and i wanted to scream and my stomach was queasy and i felt so so so disgusted. "why am i having this thought?" and "why is my mind so dirty and sexual and disgusting?!", "this is not how i really see her" and "what if this turns into an ocd?! ill never be able to talk to her ever again without thinking about this!!" i talked to my mom about it because shes understanding and she had ocd like me. she said she has similar messed up thoughts and she completely understands why im having those thoughts. i cant get rid of the feeling that i could start having these thoughts around adults that i love): what if i start having them around my own mom?!?that would be so freaking terrible oh my gosh): ever since i started to embrace the messed up thoughts, i had more control over them and they werent much of a big deal. but i feel like my hocd can never go away because theres such a possiblity of anyone being gay. i still feel like ill get these messed up sexual intrusive thoughts around adults that i trust. i hate my mind so much and its put me through so much anxiety. im still worrying about this nauseous feeling thats "what if i was attracted to my own therapist" and the worst feeling is that i can never talk to her about that): what do i do? should i keep embracing it?

It happens, frankly. Therapists are human, they're important to us patients, and we attach to them in all kinds of ways. If you just explain it to your therapist I doubt she'll batt an eye. She knows you have HOCD, she's under no illusions about the contents of your thoughts.

Look at it it this way: A lot of people have found evolutionary models to be useful for understanding things from economics to the history of technology. That's because non-sentient systems, just like us poor organisms, have to adapt to their environment to survive.

OCD in this model is basically just an extremely adaptive system in the environment of your head. It's had years and years to be hit with threats, survive, and mutate accordingly. As such it's built up layers of defenses, both subtle and brutal, to keep you from destroying it. You should expect it to outright try to sabotage your treatment, lashing out crudely almost as if it had the intelligence of, say, a violent chimp. The brain registers 'this treatment is important to me', OCD says 'if it's important I'd better run a check', and what a surprise: OCD finds DANGER!!!

Therapists often talk about the 'extinction response', the spike of anxiety you get when you confront a particular OCD obsession and refuse to do the compulsion. I like to see this kind of therapy-related anxiety as a macroscale version of that.

If it wasn't able to adapt like this you'd probably have squelched it like a bug years ago all on your own. So while I get this is incredibly freaky and upsetting, see it for what it is: Your OCD is under threat, and it's fighting back with tooth and claw; playing dirty. That's almost a good sign in a really unpleasant sort of way. To my eye, this is proof that what you're doing in therapy is good and important, not that you have any kind of real attraction to your therapist, whatever panicky bait and switch @#$% your freaked out brain is trying to pull.

I have a similiar problem. I just started school and we got a new teacher that is very nice and cool. And I can't tell if it's admiration or a crush?! Now I'm anxious about going to his classes.

and now today i can tconcentrate at all at school. in one of my classes i shut down because i was so confused about my thoughts. i was trying to think fantasies and all they would do is cause me anxiety. is it because of hocd? is it making me think that boys arent for me even though i know deep down they are? i start to have intrusive thoughts around older females and im straight and it just all hapened because of that thought about my therapist): why is my mind going in this direction?! my mind is going miles a second and my heart wont stop beating rapidly and i cant look at my therapist the same next week when i see her. should i really tell her about the thought? would she feel weird??? would she try to support me? i dont know what to do.

I know it's rough but try to hear me out on this.

Your therapist has heard worse, trust me. That's something that's really important to internalize. A therapist isn't like your friend or your mother, even if you both happen to have a high personal regard and even affection for each other. A therapist is a professional, trained and hired to help you with exactly these kinds of disturbing obsessive thoughts. That they happen to be about her will make no difference. She was probably already aware that something like this had the potential to happen.

It's important that you be honest with her. Trust your therapist, and give her the information she needs to help you.

Understand the nature of the illness. Read my posts, in particular 'OCD is a mental spammer'