False Memory: Rape

So I went out to drink with my cousin and her boyfriend, I don't drink frequently at all I always get depressed after. However, I did, and I drank way too much and blacked out at the bar. Small bar, not many people there, I was with my cousin and her boyfriend the whole time. I blacked out probably a little over an hour of the whole night, nothing ridiculous.

Anyways, the next day, I started having this fear I had been raped. No good reasoning behind it. I had a couple bruises, but they were from running into things i imagine I bruise easily. Some vaginal spotting, but I know alcohol messes with estrogen levels. I asked my cousin over and over again if she knew of anything happening. She said she couldn't fully remember the evening either but we were definitely together the whole time. She asked her boyfriend, who could remember the full night, and he also says that nothing happened and we were together the whole time.

The logical part of me is sure nothing happened. We walked back to my grandpas after the bar, I was in a good mood the whole time as far as I can remember. There illogical part of me absolutely cannot handle not remembering what happened. I fill the blank period of time with anything. Did I cheat on my boyfriend? Did I do drugs? Did I hurt someones feelings? Did I get raped? The rape one hit me hardest and is the one I continue to stick to. It's been 5 days since then and I still can't stop obsessing over it. I haven't wanted to have sex with my boyfriend convinced I probably have aids or something, and I feel disgusting like something awful happened. But all I here is reassurance that I was fine and nothing happened, and I can't recall anything happening. When I think about it long enough, try and force my mind to remember, it gives me what I'm sure is false images. I wish I could trust my mind. I wish I could tell my boyfriend but I don't want him to freak out about something that probably didn't happen, and he doesn't know the extent to my OCD. This isn't the first time my mind has tried to fill in holes with things I have no proof of or reason to believe.

Anyone else have a similar experience? Any ideas of how to get past this?

P.S. I totally have no intentions of ever drinking again, unless I'm home.

Rape, and sexual violence in general, is a very common, and very disturbing, feature of obsessive compulsive thinking. I personally have a witches brew of sexual, harm, scrupulosity, and previously germaphobic OCD, and frankly I find that the sexual obsessions are my most disturbing nine times out of ten. It can be terrible.

Obviously any incident in which you black out needs to be looked at carefully and objectively to make sure nothing actually happened. BUT, the fact that you were with people you trust, your obsessive line of thinking after the fact, the uselessness of reasoning and reassurance, and your mention that you were either diagnosed with or had good reason to believe you had OCD before, all make me strongly inclined to agree with you that you've simply an awful triggering. (And my sympathies, by the way.)

Regardless, a bad trigger event shouldn't be left to snowball, because the emotional shock and obsessing that follows can result in a longterm spike in your OCD symptoms. Do you have a psychologist? I'd suggest you seek one out and see if you can work through this with them in person.

Thank you for the response, I've never felt so strange and scared. I mean, it's not new that I've made up things in my mind before or obsessed over various things I may have, or could do. It is new however, that I drank to the point of blacking out IN PUBLIC. I usually do that in the comfort of my own home, or at a close friends home.

I haven't ever been to a psychiatrist. I know I need to but I can't convince myself to make that phone call, I have social anxiety also. I'm not willing to talk to my friends or family about this stuff because I don't want anyone to know how crazy I am. I need to do something, it's only getting worse.

Reaching out to get help can be rough. It's admitting you have a problem, it's putting trust in a medical professional you hardly know, and if you have social anxiety that's going to be a hard hill to climb. But as I know from experience, too much delaying can also have consequences.

So while I know this isn't much help, I advise pushing yourself to make the call and getting it over with; it all gets a lot less scary after that first leap. If you just can't do it, you might consider asking a friend or family member for help. I understand you're afraid of judgement, but it might comfort you to know that OCD is increasingly recognized and accepted among the general public; most people I encounter these days have seen it in a movie or a TV show, or know a guy who knows a guy who has it. You also don't have to tell anyone the sexual content of your obsessions. You can just say, "I think have OCD, please help me set up getting help", and people will likely assume you've developed a thing about germs or organizing or numbers or that sort of thing.

Anyway, since you've never done this before, let me try and give you a crash course in finding mental help. I'm just gonna be really basic just because I don't know what you already know:

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There are two types of mental health professionals:

1. Psychologists, who do therapy, and see you a lot.
2. Psychiatrists, who prescribe pills, and see you rarely.

You'll probably want to start with the former. If you are then diagnosed with OCD I always recommend seeing a psychiatrist as well, because studies show that meds and therapy are both much more effective together.

When looking for a psychologist:

1) You want a psychologist trained in CBT or ACT therapy. Also, one who claims previous experience working with OCD or anxiety disorders. Avoid psychoanalytic / psychodynamic talk therapy. I have nothing against it, but studies indicate OCD almost always benefits more from the cognitive-behavioral approach.

2) You'll want to exercise choice in which psychologist you reach out to. The best way to find a good psychologist is always to ask another local psychologist or mental health professional for a recommendation, if you have a personal connection through family or school. Failing that, look up credentials and patient reviews online. Many also have websites with mission statements, which can indicate whether you'd be a good personality fit.

3) You should probably to ask a few tough questions at the intro appointment; This is fine and expected. Questions like "Do you have a lot of experience in treating OCD?" or "What's the long term plan for treatment?" Anything you want to know really.

When looking for a psychiatrist:

1) You'll still want to research their credentials and reviews; You can also track whether a psychiatrist has taken unwarranted contributions from different pharma reps here: https://openpaymentsdata.cms.gov/. It's common practice for pharma companies to woo doctors with perks and free meals, you'll find that almost all psychiatrists have accepted something. That doesn't make the pills work less, but it's good to be reasonably certain that your doctor is prescribing based on your needs, not what he's been asked to push.

2) You'll want to ask questions about what they prescribe; If you see a psychiatrist they may recommend one or more different types of medications, like an SSRI, an SNRI, a glutamate modulator, or even a benzo (sedative) for emergencies. Medication for OCD is often a long trial and error process, so it's good to ask questions like: What are the side effects? How high is my dosage? When will this start kicking in?

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I hope all this is helpful rather than overwhelming. Best wishes.

Just to be on the safe side, in your position, I would have went to the hospital to have a rape kit done -- that way they could tell you if you'd had any kind of sex the night before. No matter how forceful the sex looks like it was down there, if you were blacked out and unable to consent, that was rape.

I'm not trying to encourage any delusions, but a lot can happen in five to ten minutes, and you could have easily been on your own for that short amount of time. Considering that *all* of you had been drinking, your friends aren't the most reliable narrators of the night, are they? One friend says they can barely remember the night too, and the other says they can remember, both said all three of you guys were together all night, but I find it pretty impossible for three people to stay side by side all night long while drunk and not wander off a *little* bit, be it to the bathroom or the bar or elsewhere.

Were there any other signs? Like dull throbbing pain, or little tearing pains as you moved around through out the day? Where were your bruises and what did they look like? You said your vagina was spotting -- does it do this often at all?

Keep us posted. Good luck.

Thank you both for your responses.

The professional I've been looking into is a counselor. She covers OCD, anxiety, offers CBT and seems to be very open minded. Is a counseler not the way to go?

Boringmurderer, I totally agree I should have done a rape kit to be honest I didn't know that was a thing but now I really wish I would have.

Trust me I'm not ruling out the possibility, not at all. I do experience spotting frequently, alcohol or not. Also this bar is incredibly small, and due to my social anxiety I really am 100% glued to the person I'm with. That being said, I don't have as much social anxiety when I've been drinking, and if me and the girl I was drinking with (my bathroom buddy) both blacked out certain amounts of time, neither of us can genuinely know what happened anytime we were in the bathroom.

I just wish I could remember, because there is no way to know anything, and I cannot trust my mind. It just really sucks...

Ultimately, only you should make the final call regarding who you want to see. I'm not 100% clear on the difference between a counselor and a therapist. I used to think it was that of a PHD or an MA, but I've also heard the words used interchangeably. You can always look up her credentials if you're wondering.

My best (but uneducated) guess is that either one is probably fine. What's most important is that your personalities fit, and that the professional can do what they advertise. So if she says she can do CBT, and at the intro session it seems like she has experience and she knows what she's talking about, then go for it. If you want to extra careful, you can look up CBT terminology and techniques, and ask her specific questions about treatment to suss out how experienced she is with it.