Scared I'm asexual (NSFW)

I with OCD at 16 after a severe bout of pure-o (I became convinced, over and over again, that I was a horrible person for thoughts I'd had/things I'd done years before, and insisted on "confessing" about them to my mom.) I was put on a high dose of zoloft, and that more or less took care of things.

I've been (romantically? sexually?) attracted to people before--at least, I think I have--but it's never come to anything. I used to be pretty horrid-looking, and still sometimes am, so I always blamed that. It sort of ate at me, sometimes, thinking no one would ever be attracted to me. Maybe a year ago, though, I downloaded OKC and Tinder and started meeting guys through them. Turns out there are people interested in me, which is nice. Problem is, I don't ever seem to feel anything physical toward them. Some of them are nice enough, but once we start making out (that's only happened with a few of them)...nothing. Kissing has never really done anything for me to start with; at best, it's a bit nice, most times, it's boring, and sometimes, it's gross. Until very recently, things never progressed beyond that.

A few weeks ago, I met a guy on Tinder who I really hit it off with, and we've been on a few dates. After the third one, we made out in his car for awhile, and ended up fooling around some. (I can never remember the "base system," so I'll just be frank: he fingered me and went down on me.) Parts of that were nice, but still, it wasn't, like, extraordinary. Last night, I went out with him again, and the same thing happened. This time, though, it was pretty bad. I had, like, no fun at all. Very disappointing.

I've posted about this elsewhere, and people seem divided: some say I'm almost certainly asexual, while others say "hey, everyone's first time sucks. Maybe the guy's just no good in bed." I don't know where I stand; all I know is that I've been freaking out about this on and off for about a week. (Part of the reason last night went so badly might have been because of said freaking out.) I've talked to a few of my friends (and, yes, even my mom, in very stilted terms) about this, and no one else seems sure, either. They all think I'm A Little Odd (true), and that there's a decent chance I'm asexual because I've never had a boyfriend or talked much about crushes/attraction. THAT, though, is in large part because I've always been a secretive little $#%^, and almost never feel comfortable enough with anyone to talk about that stuff.

BUT ANYWAY. The point is, I really really don't want to be asexual. I masturbate--pretty frequently, actually--to both porn and erotica (fanfiction; go ahead and mock me. whatever), but there are tons of people--asexual ones, mostly, it seems--who think that having a libido doesn't make one sexual. I've always been invested in fictional characters' romantic relationships--I was that kid who flipped to the romance scenes in books she was already bored with, just to see how things turned out, and now, as I said...fanfiction. So romance and sex interest me quite a lot, I think. There just seems to be...a disconnect, I guess, because things that always looked/sounded enjoyable between others/in fiction has thus far not been fun for me.

I feel like a little kid who just learned that santa's not real.

This is the most embarrassing part, probably: one of the biggest reasons this upsets me is because now that I "know" that I don't like sex, I won't be able to get as invested in fictional romances. And I'll always be jealous of all my favorite characters who can have them. And there goes another hobby. $#%^, does the fact that THIS is one of my major concerns in this regard confirm that I am, in fact, asexual?

Zoloft I'm on can decrease libido; could that be it? That would impact masturbation, too, though, wouldn't it? I'm also on pretty high doses of a few anticonvulsants for epilepsy, and some people on epilepsy fora claimed that those had killed their libidos. If it's the zoloft, I'm hopeful--I could switch meds, I bet. As for the others, though, I've already run through most of my other options, and definitely don't want to risk having more seizures.

It didn't really occur to me till today that my thought process surrounding all this closely resembles the one I've seen people here have re: HOCD. I'd never heard of anyone feeling this way about asexuality, but I thought, why not see? So this is me, seeing. What are people's thoughts on this? Has anyone else been through this? I know it's unhealthy to seek reassurance, and I try not to most times, but I kind of really deeply need it right now.

Well, anytime there's the potential to be afraid of something, there's a potential for OCD, IMO. I mean, People can be OCD over a seemingly endless array of things. So sure, this could be some kind of OCD- maybe you just haven't found someone you really clique with. Maybe- and this is seen in young men in spades, acc'd to anti-porn sites, maybe porn/fantasy/erotica have deadened you to the real thing- if that's the case, the generally accepted solution is to reset by doing without for a while. places like yourbrainonporn would have info on that kind of thing.

I think for a lot of us- for me, anyway- we get this expectation of sex that isn't realistic, and when the real thing comes along it's not as earth-shattering as we thought it'd be. I mean, my first time was good, but was it THAT good? Eh, I don't know. A lot of it depends on attitude and mental state and how into someone I am.