rOCD and hOCD combined?

I have no idea how to use this forum or am I in the right place. And also I need to apologize any grammar errors or misspellings because English is not my native language. I really need help and I´ve read this website a lot during my anxiety. This story will be sooo long but hopefully some of you guys can help me out.

I´m a 17 year old girl. I´ve dated my boyfriend almost one year. He is an awesome boyfriend, kind, caring, he loves me and he is everything I´ve always dreamed of. I started to have doubting thoughts about our relationship and my feelings for him last Christmas. Psychologist diagnosed me rOCD and depression in May 2016 when I finally sought help. Last semester was really stressful to me because of school stuff but now I am on summer holiday. I thought the OCD thoughts would disappear when I wouldn´t have so much things going on at the same time but no, they went worse than ever. I´ve told my boyfriend about my ocd thoughts and he is really supportive and understanding. My rocd thoughts usually concentrate the fear of losing him. I would not imagine my life without him and thinking about that gives me anxiety and stomachache.

I´ve gotten better at handling those rocd thoughts but now I have a fear of being lesbian. I´ve always been sexually interested in women in fantasy but never in the real life. I can easily get aroused by seeing photos or other video material of sexy women. When I was younger I never masturbated to the thought of men, only to a man and a woman together or a woman. I´m still a virgin but me and my bf have some kind of sex life. I feel like I´m not even interested of sex in general right now, I don´t know is it the anxiety or am I with the wrong person or even with the wrong sex?! What if women are better match for me? I think my bf is little frustrated to our sex life but I can´t help it. I just don´t feel it when I have these anxiety thoughts going on. When my mind is clear and I feel free I get easily turned on by him. Sometimes I doubt my whole attraction to him.

I´ve never imagined being in a relationship with a girl until now. I think I might be bisexual and my boyfriend is ok with it. So am I, but the fear of being lesbian instead freaks me out. I don´t want to be a lesbian, I´ve never been homophobic but being lesbian means that I won´t be able to be with my boyfriend. I won´t allow myself to be lesbian because it only means I have to break up with my boyfriend and I don’t want to break his heart, neither mine.

I don´t remember any crushes on girls when I was younger. I´ve always have had crushes on boys and some of them have been really strong. I´ve always seen my future with a man but now I´m doubting it, is it only the standard what I have in my head? The more I think about being with a girl, the more I get used to the thought and accept it. It scares me, does that mean I´m lesbian if I can imagine myself a dream girl? I still don´t see my future with another woman but what if I suddenly change my mind? Also being in public gives me anxiety because I obsessively check out other women and analyze my reaction to them. Right now guys don´t interest me at all, I don´t know about my bf because I haven’t seen him for a week. Honestly I´m so scared of being gay!!! I know I should not check out other people while being in a relationship but I have to prove that my fears are false but that is not working either.

Also I have to add that being with my female friends gives me a lot of anxiety because I´m not able to stop thinking whether I´m sexually/emotionally interested in them and how it would feel to be in a relationship with them. I´ve kissed one of my closest friend drunk and I really liked it. After that I´ve felt a little sexual attraction towards her and she identify herself as straight.

I´m really sorry if this text is hard to read or understand, my head is a mess right now and I don´t know what to do. Hopefully breaking up with my boyfriend is not an answer. Do you think I´m lesbian? Please help me!

First of all, considering English isn't your first language, you speak very good! Better than some people who's it is their first language lol. And I've been feeling this way too lately, it seriously makes me sick questioning my sexuality. But I do not think you are full blown lesbian.

Apparently there is a bar ok. It's like this:
----------|--------------------------------------------------|-------------------------------------------------|----------
^Straight^ ^Bisexual^ ^Gay^

Like there isn't just one word for the sexuality. Maybe you are 75% straight, but are 25% gay. I think being bisexual is a lot more complicated than people think. Because if you are straight, or gay, then that is 100% what you like. But someone could be 99% straight and still have that 1% throwing it off, and adding weird thoughts you know? That's how I think it is.

I can't say that I have ever had feelings of any type of "attraction" to any dude's. I'm a 20 year old guy btw. But I have thought some guys were "good looking". Not in a sexual way tho, I think I wanted to base my looks off of them because I knew that girls liked them. Guys have never made me turned on, it seriously grosses me out thinking about it. But with HOCD, then the thoughts just do whatever they want really. OCD itself is very intrusive, and makes us do things we don't want to do. So that's why I feel like it's so hard to accept it as just HOCD and not being homosexual.

The thought of being 100% gay seriously scares me and makes me feel sick. Even tho I've never had feelings for a guy, and don't plan to, there is always that "what if" thought that comes in a messes everything up. Even the thought of being bisexual kind of scares me. Not as much, because I would still have girls, but being gay seriously scares me. I've always liked girls, even before most guys like girls. While other guys were thinking "Ew, cooties...", I was over there trying to figure out a way to talk to the girl.

I've always been weird with relationships tho, that's why I've never truly had one. I've had "girlfriends", but nothing that lasted longer than a week. I kind of lose interest once I get a girl, and try so hard to get girls that don't start off liking me. I guess I'm addicted to the chase, and I hate it because I really would just love to have a steady relationship with a girl. I've always dreamt about it, but I've never been able to fall for someone that initially liked me. I guess that might be ROCD, idk.

I hope some of what I wrote helped you tho! I hope we both can get over this, as well as all the other people that deal with this kind of thing, and everything else. Just know that you aren't alone in this battle, it helps. Good luck!

Thank you for the reply! I'm really glad to know that I'm not alone with these thoughts