Don't know what to do anymore or ever

I want help for my ocd and all my other issues and I have a therapist

but doing any skills or techniques or anything to cope with my issues and trying to "recover" and everything has me feeling like I'm just lying to myself and I'm not sure how to accept that I have all these issues and can't get better overnight and I don't know what to do because trying to get help makes me feel like I'm just lying to myself yet I'm suffering so much and the only other option coming to mind is to die.. *sigh*

I don't even know what I was trying to ask (sorry I've been having a bad major depressive episode lately if you couldn't already tell) but I guess I just wish someone could give me the answers I haven't been able to find on my own. Everyone else says to try medication but the thought of it triggers my moral obsessions/scrupulosity issues because then I feel like I'm a weaker/lesser person for needing medication and my obsessions with being manipulative and faking my mental illness has me debilitated. So basically other people offer me help (and taking it hasn't worked thus far which just makes me feel pathetic yet not taking the help makes me feel like I'm hurting/disappointing other people because I feel selfish for not being easy to help/not taking their help when they're going out of their way to offer it to me), but the help doesn't work (I've been in therapy for years and have already been waived off by several professionals because they mentally deemed me treatment-resistant) and while I feel hopeless because treatment doesn't seem to help, I also feel like I must be just making it sound worse than it is or just making it difficult for other people... but the thing is I don't know what to f*cking do because no matter what I do it feels like I'm losing and at the same time that I think this I can't stop my f*cking mind from convincing me that I must just be exaggerating/faking/malingering my illnesses even though I logically know I'm not). So it's all really confusing because 1. I know logically that I'm mentally ill (and I feel ashamed about it but logically know that I can't control it so that I shouldn't really feel ashamed - yet I feel like not being ashamed by it must make me a bad/abusive/manipulative person because then it feels like/my mind tell me that I'm just blaming my issues on mental illness), 2. I know I need help for my mental illnesses logically because I'm disabled because of them (but I can't stop the obsession/intrusive thoughts that I must be lying/faking/a hypochondriac about my mental illnesses which makes me feel ashamed/bad/wrong for trying to get help - yet like I said before, not taking the help offered to me makes me feel manipulative/selfish/rude), 3. I don't know of/see any other options and other people tell me it's a choice to either be happy/recovered versus negative/mentally ill - I just feel so stuck and this problem seems to never go away. Any advice or literally ANYTHING is appreciated because I feel so hopeless (cue obsessions about lying to people ugh fml)

anyways if you read all of this thank you and I'm sorry idek anymore (also a lot of this was probably hard to understand or piece together because I'm dissociated constantly so sorry about that.. ugh idek im a mess)

nosynuisance wrote:I want help for my ocd and all my other issues and I have a therapist

but doing any skills or techniques or anything to cope with my issues and trying to "recover" and everything has me feeling like I'm just lying to myself and I'm not sure how to accept that I have all these issues and can't get better overnight and I don't know what to do because trying to get help makes me feel like I'm just lying to myself yet I'm suffering so much and the only other option coming to mind is to die.. *sigh*

Hi. If you're talking about OCD in particular with this paragraph, listen up: Trying to fight/treat it is not lying to yourself. You're OCD is what's lying to you...telling you to be afraid of things for no good reason. This is not to say you have no good reason to react to these lies. After all, when your conscious (or unconscious) mind tells you stuff it's hard not to take it at face value. But in the case of OCD, you have to ignore the lies.

As for your other issues, try not to look at them subjectively. When you see someone who obviously has mental health issues, do you immediately think, "What a faker!"? I would think not. Having multiple illnesses or disorders can complicate things to the point of hopelessness. You have to take a deep breath and lay them out on a table in neat little piles. Look at each problem individually, forgetting the others. You can't tackle everything at once.

nosynuisance wrote: I don't know of/see any other options and other people tell me it's a choice to either be happy/recovered versus negative/mentally ill

Who tells you this? Don't ever listen to them again. Mental illness is hard because it affects the same mechanisms you need to use to fight it: your brain power. It's like having two broken legs but no crutches. Give yourself some credit for enduring thus far. Feel a little sorry for yourself if you need to. But don't stop trying.

Thank you I appreciate the feedback :/ sorry I'm such a mess

my parents always say it idk most people in my life do actually, it can be exhausting but they just don't understand (genuinely - although I'm sure saying that must make me sound like a self-victimizing brat idek sorry I'm awful ik)

anyways idek im just so tired of this i want to f*cking die ugh