Harm OCD question *trigger warning* (Decently long post)

Before reading: It's pretty long and I may go over the same points sometimes but if you plan on replying please do read it through. I fee like if you post in regard to reading only a paragraph or two you won't have the full picture.


I'm 17 years old. Growing up I always hated gore in movies, it grossed me out. After watching final destination 5 in theaters at age 12 I actually wanted to throw up.

I have rape fantasies involving beating and in one case that I'm pretty ashamed of even stabbing in a dominant fashion. (None of these happened to be real by the way it was all in movies) I've gotten to the point to where I've accepted that I enjoy rape fantasies. I still feel wrong sometimes masturbating to it, sometimes I don't. And when I don't I usually just realize it's the rough aspect of it all and I have nothing to worry about.

I basically have gone through a whole phase where I believed I was a psychopath and I've become decently desensitized to thoughts of killing which even now I wonder if I can cross the moral wall to commit some horrible acts. I got past it though kinda because I thought back to all the times I felt upset about losing my dog when I was a kid and just felt really upset, like really upset. Up until 2014 where I lost one of my cats and it was really depressing seeing him have a heart attack (he had stayed out during the night and it was freezing out) I also remembered times when I was a kid where I had sympathy for people and even when my dad was in the hospital for high blood pressure I felt scared at the idea of losing him.

Either way this all started when I began looking up the intentions behind serial killers and wondering if I relate to them and if I could achieve intimacy through mutilation and collecting trophies and perhaps even through cannibalism. And I obsess about it to where I imagine myself in a scenarios where I could. And I really start to feel like I could. Like in this one movie maniac a guy collects the scalps of women and keeps them so he won't be abandoned and that led me to think about de scalping my family to keep them so I never lose them. And in my head I actually felt like I could I knew it was crazy but I was imagining a sense of them still being around. And basically every aspects of notorious serial killers like Jeffrey Dahmer and Ted bundy etc when it came to what they did and why I imagined myself doing that stuff and got anxiety from it. In particular with my mother one night I woke up from an angry dream involving her (because I had been forcefully bringing up past beef I've had with her to feed these obsessions) and I was so conflicted my skin felt like it was crawling and I was like in my head "I'm going to do it, I'm going to inflict this paint of de-scalping my mother because I'm so angry and I want to get back at all the times she's upset me or neglected me" and I read up at the time that jeffrey dahmer didn't want to bring shame to his father and it was the same for me. And I was like in my head at the same time "Sorry dad that's just how my brain is I guess I just want to do it" And I went to their room and started at my mom and I don't know I just felt kind of dooped. I looked at my mom and started to imagine de-scalping but I couldn't even fully think of it. I went back to bed only to wake up over and over again in short bursts full of anxiety to where I'd have to practice breathing normally because it was like I was holding my breath and I needed to calm myself down. Kind of like several mini nightmares in a row of just flashing images. What makes it all worse is I've taken these serial killer urges from the serial killers and they have manifested into my own variations which makes it seem even more personal which makes me think I want to do it.

As time has gone on I've gotten to the point to where I'm like really convincing myself I want to go out and do this stuff and I feel like I do, like I don't value human life. But then sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. But I still am not sure about the true value of human life. The only thing that really makes me feel like I can't continue going through with the actions is thinking about how the person is a human just like me and how would I feel if it were done to me and just really forcing a sense of reality like, "Imagine me actually doing this, and just actually doing this to that person and them not being around and just me really ending their life and their presence not being around anymore and them being used up like an animal" And even sometimes I wonder if I like that, the idea of using people up like animals and I really start to feel like I do and sometimes I don't. But the thing is behind all of these thoughts are uncertain attractions. I'll imagine cutting off flesh from a woman *mod edit* and then as I'm imagining it I'll get aroused by the concept of being in contact with *mod edit* and the touch and feel of it and then I'll go like "Do I actually find this attractive?" And I'll started to pair those sensations with the mutilation and it's so conflicting.

So essentially my question is. Can you mix feelings with mental images and have a conflict of arousal and disgust and sometimes feel like as if the morals of serial killers and their intentions are your own through obsessing about it? One thing that kind of concerns me is throughout the beginning of this all what really scared me was the concept of being sick not even hurting people that much like whenever I questioned myself like, "Am I really worried about hurting my dad" I wouldn't have an answer and would force myself to go like "No I wouldn't" and I'd get into this evil serial killer mentality and even force certain evil esk facial expressions. And I'd feel like I could, I would go through with the intention and how I'd do it right up until the actually activity of it and then I'd snap out of the whole serial killer evil mentality and worry like "So I would do it then?" or like "Wow so I do want to do it then". And I'd feel some push back. Overall sometimes rather than dealing with the uncertainty I'll just go like you know what mutilation is my fetish as long as I don't do it to an actual person. And then I'll start to go like "I see all of these harm ocd people posting about their intrusive thoughts and they're confident that they wouldn't really do it deep down" and because I don't truly know whether or not I'd do it deep down I get concerned and question whether or not I'd do it. And then again with the forcing myself to feel like I want to do it because I don't want to deal with having no answer. And as a matter of a fact it's gotten to the point to where it's automatically feeling like I wouldn't mind actually doing it and that I want to. I don't even have to begin with forcing myself it's just automatic and that makes me feel like It's getting worse.

Some extra facts:
When I was a kid my brother and I mutilated a dead gecko (I asked my father and he said I felt bad afterwards) Even though thinking back I wonder and even start to feel like I may have done it for the power or maybe I'm like Jeffrey Dahmer and I wanted to do it because I really liked it (I even apply those types of thoughts to myself right now and go like would I cut off the limbs of a cock roach and I start to feel some enjoyment out of maybe watching it crawl without it's limbs which kind of concerns me and makes me wonder if I'll start off with doing that and move up the "food chain" so to speak) Although at the end of the day I do force myself to a point to where I don't feel like I'd do it.

6-7 years old my brother and I kind of did sexual stuff with our dog. Not like actual sex or anything but basically I was a really horny kid and liked to dry hump stuff and I thought maybe rubbing the "breasts" of my dog was like rubbing real breasts so I was confused. I look back to it now and think it's kind of funny, we didn't hurt the dog but rather just thought it was like a real girl or something I don't know something stupid.

13-14 (around the time I started to masturbate to rape fantasies)

I dry humped one of my dogs in the other room after it started licking me and I got really aroused I felt like I was doing something taboo and it kind of turned me on at the time I'm still kind of concerned I might do that stuff today like I feel like those feelings are still there but at the end of the day I look at myself and I know I've matured and I wouldn't but I still wonder. As well when the dog stopped liking me I would forcefully put my arm up against his mount until he started licking again (Kind of worried it perhaps has tied in with my domination fetish and that's why I got turned on forcefully putting my arm up against him mouth) As well whenever any of the specific dogs annoyed me I would feel a sort of alpha esk dominance scaring them off and even getting in their way when they tried to get outside (I haven't done anything like this for years and feel kind of bad)

Anyways I wonder if I like this stuff now or if I'd actually hurt any of the animals. I've did this checking thing recently where I started to pull one of the ears of my dogs and I saw the discomfort in their eyes and stopped feeling like I was doing something wrong.

Besides this I've never killed an animal (at least not on purpose I think) I never collected any animal parts and before this whole Harm OCD or whatever this is never considered intimacy through mutilation or any of this twisted stuff and put all of the stuff I did to my dogs behind me and never really looked back. But I've obsessed so much over just looking back and wondering if maybe I've been growing up to be a serial killer and over analyzing this kind of stuff. I recall when this started even thinking back to the memory of the gecko was foggy and I was scared it was real because I felt bad because maybe I had actually killed it. And telling my brother about this stuff he pointed out how I could have hurt the dog dry humping it because I'm a big guy and right there I felt a little bad. But at the time I remember the dog moaning in a resistant way and I felt like was doing something wrong and taboo and just the concept of the dog not particularly enjoying it like kind of resisting may have turned me on.

Either way when I ask myself nowadays will I even do this stuff I just feel so tired of obsessing over it and just feel so dried out because sometimes I feel bad but when I feel like perhaps I don't have empathy I disregard any negative feelings towards hurting people and kind of look past it and convince myself my feelings of right and wrong aren't really me.

Any opinions will help, I know reading this you're probably thinking I had a really abusive childhood but I didn't. My parents got into a fight like once but my parents have been happily married for over 20 something years. Although that doesn't stop me from analyzing little things from my childhood and perhaps generating false feelings. At the end of the day thinking about my rape fantasies and admitting that I enjoyed that stabbing in a dominant fashion makes me feel more aware but when I start to wonder if I'd actually carry out with it is when I start to kind of get concerned but my anxiety has gone down and I can't help but wonder if that's just me getting to like the idea of actually doing this stuff.

One last thing, I'd like to add that when I admitted the stabbing enjoyment to a friend of my fathers who is trust worthy and has never told anyone it took me 15-20 of having a frog in my throat and then just a lot of crying. He helped me feel better and that's what got me over it for awhile before it really became this. I had felt in control like I knew I wasn't really going to do it.

But at the end of the day I'm confused because I can't help but wonder if it's only people's judgement that's stopping me I want it to be that I don't do it because I DON'T WANT TO. Not because other's don't. And when I ask myself do I really want to do this stuff I usually can't give a yes or no and force myself to think about how I can and start to feel that I can and block out any consideration of people's well being and just focus on being selfish because I'd rather have an answer than none but at the same time when I convince myself I can I get some anxiety.

Harm OCD: My favourite.....

First off, if you can get some therapy or something, that sounds really good about now. There's no reason, with the fascinations you have, to tough this out alone.

Stuff you've done when you were younger (you're still a kid, but when you were a kid kid)- kids do some stupid weird $#%^. The dogs, the gecko- if that's all in the past when you were younger, then it's best it stays there, you know not to do stuff now.

It can get really hard, to separate what one is stimulated by, what one is capable of, and what's OCD. I've had harm OCD thoughts on and off for over forty years. Am I going to act on them? No. Could I? Sure, why not. The way I live with this, is I'm CAPABLE of anything. Sure I could commit unjustified homicide. AM I going to? No. That's a conscious decision I make.

Again... that's how I SEE MYSELF.

Am I really, objectively, capable of acting on harm thoughts? I have no earthly idea. I don't think any of us does, unless we take that step over the abyss into being a monster. I don't care to. It doesn't matter if it's because I'm so 'good' that I naturally don't want to, or that I fear judgement and the Law. I suspect that everyone's behaviour towards fellow humans, is a mixture of both morals and fear of punishment. We clearly have morals. We clearly fear judgement. Which one is stronger, has been a question I've asked myself on occasion. But I remind myself that it doesn't really matter, in a practical sense. The combined force means I have no intention of doing anything bad to anyone.

I am not my thoughts. I am more than these intrusive thoughts that come and go. I don't egg them on, I don't 'check', I don't entertain them, I don't fight them. They come, they go. Life goes on and no one gets hurt.

It's hard to know what's going on- that's why I think you'd do well to talk to a professional about this. To help separate you from these thoughts. It's a different theme, but if this IS pure-O, I don't see why it should be any different from the dozens of people on here that suffer from H/T/POCD. At times they let their OCD convince them they are gay, a pedophile, they want to be trans, etc., yet feel conflicted every step of the way, and with a history of OCD patterns, it's hard to convince me they're really gay. Or trans. Or a pedo. But it can feel SO real. But there's always been this undercurrent of instinctive fear involved. Revulsion and repulsion at the very thought of what they become convinced they are.

I'm bisexual, I may not like it, but I never ever ever had this fear of 'what if I'm.....'. I just knew.

Now, I HAVE done some of this with being a psychopath or a sociopath- worried I was one. Thinking surely I am, since I can think of doing horrible things to people and animals and can see myself doing it with no remorse and no empathy. But that's my OCD talking. In reality, I feel remorse often, I AM empathetic, despite what my brain tries to tell me. You have felt remorse for the dogs and the lizard. Yes you had other thoughts at the time, because that's what kids do. But I've seen kids who couldn't be trusted not to mistreat an animal, grow up to be very sensitive to living things. Kids do mean stuff, period. It's part of growing up. You're past that, now.

Any of this making sense?

Thanks a lot for the feedback it's really helped me think about some stuff. I get anxiety whenever I really feel like I'd do this stuff like it's confusing and I think therapy could help me separate this stuff. Reading back about the stuff I had said really didn't feel like me. Because at the time of reading it I felt more sane and it's just like, "I wouldn't really do that stuff" because I know deep down it's crazy.

I'm not able to get therapy right now because we can't afford it but I asked my dad about it (I've talked about all of this with him) and he's really nice and helpful about it. I asked him if later down the road if it really starts to affect on me if I could get some therapy and he said sure so it might be something I'll look into in the future.

I can force myself not to have empathy and stuff in my thoughts but I do know that impulsively I do.

And what you said about how you consciously decide not to commit unjustified homicide really hit me, because that's one thing that often gave me some anxiety is realizing that I could do this stuff and whenever I said that to myself it would be tempting in my head, like "I could do this stuff if I wanted to" and it would make me feel like I'd want to just because I have the freedom to decide to pursue these thoughts. But just thinking about it I don't really want to. When I really just clear my head and think about it I do feel like these thoughts are repulsive and I know it's not me and I don't really want to because it would be disgusting and a depressing life to lead.

I really appreciate you posting your message, although I'm not saying it's gone I do feel more comfortable and I do know if I remind myself I know I wouldn't do these things and before all of this I never ever had the intention or frame of mind to do any of these kind of things and would always read the kind of stuff serial killers would do and be baffled and disgusted.

Yeah I've read of some of the things they do- or the Nazis did, and it's like, people can do some sick stuff. For some reason I always think of lampshades and, well, other things I'd probably have to mod edit myself for- out of skin and $#%^. I don't get it. I mean I can see myself killing someone for the hell of it, but some of that stuff is just sick. But I've had intrusive harm thoughts about killing loved ones and pets (the most common OCD targets) since the 1970s and I haven't done it. Or hurting myself, I used to get those thoughts a lot- I was at a venue not long back and I was high up in the balcony and I really thought I was going to throw myself over it for a while. Or push someone over. I haven't had it that bad for a long time, but I like to have come unglued. My legs are turning to jelly this moment, just remembering it. I just kept seeing those two things over and over in my mind. But I toughed it out, and lo and behold, no one got hurt and I wasn't scraped off the floor. We are more than just our thoughts.