POCD or Pedo? I am scared and suicidal.

I am a teenage female. and Bisexual. I am diagnosed with Anxiety and Depression (I have stopped taking meds for them because I could kinda handle it) but not OCD so idk, this POCD is what I found that may be what I am experiencing.
Let me start out of how it all happened.
Well I think it is better to start out with a back story.
Ok, so as a kid, I think I was kind of "molested". The earliest "sexual" thing I remember is my step dad used to give me massages "down there" but I didn't even think bad of it. It felt good but not really in a sexual way. It was as if you were getting a massage on the back or the neck. He never said "Don't tell your mom" or anything. He was a nice step dad. I don't think he thought it was sexual or idk??? And I also mostly did sexual things with my cousins. They were both boys. So I started thinking about all of this so I looked up to see if people had similar things that had happened. A lot of sexual stories popped up. So I read some of them and got turned on. And started masturbating to them. I didn't imagine myself as I am now but when I was little. I imagined myself as sometimes the girl if it was a boy/girl scenerio and imagined myself as both boys in a gay scenerio. Some of them were an early teen and an 18 year old and I didn't think much about it. I even told myself "This sh*t is creepy and it has got to stop". I NEVER did this. Even after I orgasmed, I didn't think of any kid as something to masturbate to and never had.
I have ALWAYS liked people my age and older. As a child, I had crushes on cartoon characters like Raven from Teen Titans. I didn't get my first human crush until I was in third grade and it was on a teacher who was maybe in her late twenties, early thirties. I was crushing on her HARD. In fourth grade, I went to a new school. I had a crush on someone my age for the first time. I crushed on her until the beginning of 6th grade. She was adorable and she has gotten even more beautiful but I am over her. Then I had a crush on this other girl in 6th grade, me and her are actually best friends and I could never imagine I ever liked her. But she is beautiful. I also had HUGE crushes on famous people like Ariana Grande and Lady Gaga. And from being such a stalker and liking them a lot, I know a lot of useless info about them lol. And my first love, (who I met a few years ago and is from NYC) is just a day younger than me. I never could get over her, even though we never dated but we were close many times. My first GF was a year ago, she was 17! She is pretty hot. I know it sounds disgusting maybe but I still masturbate to her and she is what I mainly think about when I masturbate. So yeah, I have always liked people my age or older.
So yes I have viewed child porno because it was in the public, there was some man posting it on instagram, making it public to millions of people and my friend told me to report him. Before I did, I viewed it and it was very disturbing but I got turned on a bit, not because they are kids but because I just get turned on by sex. I reported and blocked him. I never really thought of it again. I never thought of children differently. But as I was masturbating two days ago, I thought of everything, the erotic incest stories and I remembered the child porno, I just tried to forget it but I had the images instilled and I am not sure if I was turned on by it or just in the moment or anything but I orgasmed. I sat up and I felt all the color drain from my face and I was in panic. I couldn't sleep. I thought about killing myself and all my dreams disappeared. I thought about how I wanted to be the first person in the family to graduate highschool, the first person to finish college, I wanted to get married to the guy/girl of my dreams and have kids. All this stuff just left. I couldn't cry. I had to watch youtubers and I had to hear a voice to sleep.
When I woke up, I felt weird towards my sisters. Instead of giving them hugs and kisses, I avoided them. I couldn't look at myself either. I masturbated to my ex and I felt a bit better and thought "Maybe I am not a pedo" but all the dread just came back and I cried, finally. I let it all out and I wanted to die. I cried in front of my sisters and I felt bad for being mean to them, every time they came and tried to hug me, I yell. I am scared that if i hug them or something, I will be turned on. I would never hurt a child like that. Especially my own sisters. I kept looking at them to test if I was attracted to them, and any time I looked at them, I wasn't turned on but my stomach got queasy and I just feel like crying. I think "Is this me now? Is this who I am? I'm attracted to this now?" When I looked at them, I never thought these things or anything sexual. The most "sexual thing" is, when I look at one of my sisters naked, I think "Eek, I wonder who I have to beat up when she is older" or I'll just be thinking how she will have a nice figure when she grows up and how I hope she is happy with it(I want them to be happy w/ themselves). I have masturbated to weird things like guys having sex with dogs??? but I would never try anything with any kind of dog (ew), I love them too much. But just any type of thing where a penis going into something turns me on. Even I have masturbated to cartoon stuff. I never had urges with children or dogs or anything. I never looked at a dog or a child and thought "Ooohh I wanna f*ck them". I looked up children on google and I wasn't turned on. I can't imagine sex with any human that isn't fully developed and can't orgasm, it seems so useless to me. And also I have been feeling lonely, I have never had contact with a human other than family in months. So now this just makes me so so lonely. I am around my sisters 24/7 and I never had an urge to go up to them and touch them EVER. Not even now. But I am scared something inside me will switch and I will wanna molest them. I wish I can masturbate but I am too scared, I will think of my ex GF naked or a favorite porn star and wanna masturbate but then I imagine the child porn and feel sick and depressed and scared I will imagine it while masturbating and get turned on. I have been crying a lot about everything. I also had something like this with a brain tumor because my vision was weird and I had headaches but as soon as I accepted the fact it was nothing, every weird symptom disappeared and I hated myself for actually stressing that I had a brain tumor for literally a whole year. And I read something about how brain stuff can cause this, I am scared again. I feel like this is the end of the road. What do I do? Am I a pedo?

I think it sounds like OCD, and I think you know it too, sweet pea.

First off, if you have meds, some of the same things for depression also sometimes help OCD. So you might think about resuming them. I'd ask my doctor about that if I were you.

Ofc you came while you were thinking about kids, you were masturbating.... thinking about something isn't like an off-switch when you're busy getting off, darlin'. Nor does it mean that's something you particularly want to do. It was just there.

I think you've mention that you would often think of underage sex in the fact that you were the young one- I do that all the time! There's nothing inherently immoral in that kind of sexual fantasy- you're the kid in it, after all. I even defend that fantasy is only fantasy, even if you're the 'adult' in the daydream. As long as it's nothing you'd actually do- we often- or at least, I do- fantasise about things I have absolutely no desire to live out in real life. If I should occasionally fantasise about being with someone underage, it doesn't automatically make me a pedo. I hate sexual predation on kids. But I also know fantasy is just thoughts. And I don't stress out over a stray one once in a while.

I can't say this enough: stop checking! For one thing, you don't want to view illegal content online. For another, checking only feeds the OCD loop, in the end. You can never check enough, I can never check enough, the brain just doesn't accept that.

Please stop worrying so much, sweet pea. I think you're just fine and I really don't think you're a pedophile. But reassurance is not a permanent solution, you're going to have to do like you did with the tumor thing, and let it go. Only thing that's ever worked for me, is to let things go.

You're not a pedo. I've read everything you mentioned before, a lot of people experience exactly what you do and they have POCD and aren't pedophiles. Fantasies during masturbation are just fantasies and are often grotesque and don't reflect what you want to do in real life.

Suicide is not an option. You will only take an innocent life, your own. Are you seeing a therapist at the moment?

-tanja- wrote:You're not a pedo. I've read everything you mentioned before, a lot of people experience exactly what you do and they have POCD and aren't pedophiles. Fantasies during masturbation are just fantasies and are often grotesque and don't reflect what you want to do in real life.

Suicide is not an option. You will only take an innocent life, your own. Are you seeing a therapist at the moment?

I was seeing someone but not anymore. But how would I even tell them I have POCD? What if they think I am an actually pedo or even what if I am an actual pedo? Thank you for your reply.

I don't know much about forums and I do not know if anyone will see this reply to my post but I feel as I am getting worse. I masturbated normally but these images of nude children keep popping into my head when I am trying to think of my gf. Even an image of my sister popped into my head. I always stop and think of how sick I am and how disgusting I am but all I wanna do is finish so I try to keep as much focus to my gf but these images just come up out of no where and I feel so disgusting after I orgasm because I feel like I masturbated to nude kids but I know I was thinking of my gf. But I question, "was I really?". Thinking of this makes me want to throw up. Like I was eating earlier and I couldn't even swallow something I had chewed and I have actual gag reflexes whenever I think of how I might be A pedo I can't stop crying. I can't stop thinking of killing myself and looking at pedophiles stories and POCD stories. I can't hug or cuddle with my sisters anymore because I am scared I will get turned on. I went in public today (I haven't in like a week) to a buffet place and the first thing I see is a little girl and I get anxiety because I am scared I will be turned on. She was maybe 10. I didn't have no arousal but I almost had a panic attack because I feel like my head just waits for a body reaction. But I was proud when I was just looking out the window in the car on the way home and I had seen some kids and didn't get anxiety, like they just went right past my head, just as they used to. I realized this and got happy. But I still feel sad and scared around my sisters. Even when they laugh or talk, I try to examine how I feel. I also had looked at a website and it said something about tribes of a rain forest, the first thing they showed was naked boys with just something over their private and I didn't think of anything but then I remembered my POCD or whatever and got my anxiety And I was on an app for teens and I was looking through it and still found the girls my age attractive and thought about dating them and a 13 year old messaged me and even that age is a little young to me. I was like ehhh maybe we can be friends, and I realized this and got kind of happy. and I don't know...But... I feel like saying goodbye to this world. I looked at my mom, my sisters, my step dad and I couldn't do anything but cry. I looked at the bright blue sky and the green grass and leaves, and ended up crying. I listen to my favorite music and watch my favorite entertainers and cry. I just think of all the stuff I have to leave when I kill myself. The world seems so beautiful, but I am not. I never wanted this. I want someone to just hold me (even though I'm probably a monster) and tell me I am okay. I can't stop sobbing. I feel so lonely.

Baby doll. You're going to need to calm down. At some point, you're going to have to let this go, or it will continue to torture you. Anxiety does that. OCD does that.

If you have to ask yourself what you like, I seriously doubt you're a pedophile.

I know it feels like the end of the word, but that's why OCD does. It tells you you're something, and then tries to convince you it's the end of the world. It's not the end of the world. Thoughts come and go. But thoughts are just thoughts, sweet pea. You're not a monster.

actual pedos plot. they take delight in their thoughts. they certainly don't join a forum and discuss it.

as far as meds go: prozac was my go-zac. but not without therapy.

therapy, therapy, therapy.