Porn and HOCD

From a young age I've always had some form of anxiety I used to worry about dieing alone without a wife , if I had a wife that she would die young and I'd be alone again , if I would be homeless when I'm older and many more things. Later on in life still from a young enough age probably 9 or 10 I began worrying about stuff like
I'm really fat ( my weight )
My friends hate me and just tolerate me ( how likeable I am )
I'm gay , I could be gay (my sexuality )
Basically all things that I would hate to be; no offence to anyone who is.

I began masturbating at age 13 ( 16 now ) and began while watching porn. If it wasn't that it was just masturbating myself on to an erection but I never used fantasies because at the time I really didn't think of it as I had it at the click of my fingers. I was fapping nearly every day since I started whenever I had the time really mostly 2 times per day. on some occasions I was fapping 3 - 5 times a day I tried edging but I couldn't do it as i only lasted about 30 - 40 seconds anyway. I started off on lesbian which I got aroused to before the girls even had their clothes off. Then to hentai lesbian to straight then weird insertions - fart fetish - bi 3 ways - shemale - gay. That's how my escalation went. The porn and fapping ruined my appreciation to natural beauty and orgasm. why look for any natural beauty when you could have a woman with big breasts and a toned bum on your phone in 30 seconds?

I hate to say it because I sound like an asshole but I'm one of the "popular" kids in school I don't bully anyone but I think that's where my anxiety comes from. I've always worried how people view me so I try my best to keep it cool and am terrified to say the wrong things and for me that usually results in sitting around saying nothing or saying the wrong thing. And being in that group only adds to the pressure because they're the only people I have.

recently I began experimenting with drugs such as weed. I was at a party and had a really bad experience and felt sick and tired I ran up to the bathroom to find one of my mates trying to get head off a girl who the lads generally find unattractive and ugly and really annoying I started thinking to myself "would I take head off just any girl?" My answer was no and that freaked me out a lot. I asked around and some of the lads said they wouldn't either but at that moment in time I began freaking out I was looking to check if I was attracted to any girls and I wasn't feeling it although that wasn't to say I felt it for any of my male friends.

The next day I just thought I was gay and so that night to get my fix I went on to she male porn and later on that same night some gay as well. And after that I began looking up things like am I gay. I'm gay but don't want to be , homosexual heteroromantic i genuinely thought I was gay however I kept looking it up. I was going to the gym and looking around to see if I was attracted to the hot women or any men and I wasn't at all. I went in to school and had a heavy feeling in my chest and stomach something I'd never felt before my breathing sped up and I just felt depressed and by the sounds of thing looked it too because people kept asking was I okay and stuff.

All my life I've been attracted to girls. I've always imagined having a wife , crushed on girls never on boys and I have some friends who are "ripped" and just good looking but never felt attraction to them ever since I can remember I've always tried to kiss girls when I was really young like 3-5 I'd try kiss my moms friends , child minders , cousins and crushed on my mates sisters and as I got older I'd be confident enough to say I've loved 1 or 2.

Recently I found out about this HOCD I'd say a little over a month ago and then found out it can be porn induced. I told my parents and I'm now having regular meetings with a therapist he seems fairly confident I'm straight. I even told him how I'm aroused by gay sex ( porn ) and how I've lost any attraction to girls I didn't mention the porn or weed because I don't want him to come straight to a conclusion that could be wrong and put the blame all on that. He says that sex is sex and anyone can be aroused by it to some degree wether it matches your orientation or not. He told me that being gay to a gay person is about walking down the beach with a same sex partner , buying them flowers , teddy bears stuff like that and I've never thought about it that way and I can assure you NEVER fantasised about having a relationship with a man although when I got thinking about it after he said that it scared me a lot because I felt like that was me fantasising. The therapist has also helped me to realise that I've always had a bit of anxiety. When I told everyone I was in tears by everyone I mean my parents and therapist. A gay perso wouldn't tell people he has HOCD would he? And would they get emotional in doing so? I'm just asking because I really don't know.

Over the last month I've tried and failed many times to do NOFAP and no PMO the longest I've lasted was 5 days. Even in 5 days I've noticed my erections to gay thoughts aren't as strong sometimes non existent and I watched a snapchat video of to girls kissing with clothes on and I got aroused after a few moments but because the temptation was there I fapped and fell right back to square 1. Starting yesterday I plan to do 90 days hardmode on this which means no orgasm in any way.

Right now all I'm looking for is honest opinions do you guys just think I'm fooling myself and that I'll be wasting my time with nofap or that I should go for it and that I really do have HOCD?