I went to him for everything and he went to me. We definitely had feelings for each other at one point in time and tried to long distance date but that only lasted a whole of two days because 1. I was afraid of messing up our friendship. 2. It just didn't feel right. I felt we were just meant to be best friends. But the feelings were definitely still lingering there for a long time to come and when I met my boyfriend I am with now of almost 2 years, I was still very close to Nick and we talked almost every day on the phone for an hour to two hours even sometimes. I hated that I couldn't seem to open up so quickly with my boyfriend as I did with Nick but it is different with each person I meet. It has taken a looong time to even get to the point I am at now with my boyfriend but I am a lot more myself now and more able to let go, it is still a struggle though where as with Nick it came a lot easier. We always told each other I love you since the beginning of our friendship, it was supposed to be meant in a friendly way but I often times knew that when he said it there was some deeper feelings behind it.
He always held me up on a pedestal and made me feel so important, it was like every little thing I said was the most important thing in the world lol If I liked something that he liked, even a little, he would freak out with excitement and joy, and I think even though I mostly saw him as my best friend, those kind of things and the way he would approach me sometimes is what made me have any kind of those feelings for him in the first place when I first had them 6 years ago or so, and how I felt I could tell him anything and the way we laughed so much. My therapist once told me that once you have feelings for someone like that especially when you care so deeply for someone they aren't just going to completely 100% vanish, you will still remember those feelings and even in just remembering them may still carry a little piece of that with you and that is natural and normal. It's what you choose to do with those feelings.
However, what I am obsessing about is all the times I said I love you to him even while I was with my boyfriend and knowing that there were maybe some lingering feelings there even when I said those words to him, and I know sometimes just because of how close we were that I questioned myself often because I wanted to be sure that I didn't love him that way. I always felt like a piece of me deep down did though even if just a little. I think my OCD played part in this too in that I question what my real feelings are often. I clearly remember one time thinking that I really did love him like that and that I just wanted to say it with 100% feeling to him this one time and so I said it to him and put more emotion into it and I was dating my boyfriend for nearly a year at about that time, we are long distance and don't see each other often, maybe every few months, though we see each other more often now since he drives now.
Nick is married and he got married not long before I started dating my boyfriend. We never had a filter when we talked and so we would make all kinds of jokes sometimes even sexual ones but were weren't talking sexually to each other, we weren't being like romantic, they were just stupid silly best friend kind of jokes. But we always ended up feeling guilty for how open we were with each other because it could be taken wrong, but it was hard not to be that way because that's the way we'd always been with each other and was natural to us. He was the one person I could say ANYTHING to and not worry at all about him judging me even one bit because he often could relate to me to such a crazy degree and me to him. He used to describe our connection as if we had to be best friends or else the world would stop functioning and everything would go out of orbit. lol
But he ended up deciding to walk away from our friendship because of how we could not seem to keep ourselves at a more appropriate level when we talked. I am now glad that he decided to as much as it hurt and as deeply as I have missed him and how much I've cried over it, I realized how I would go to him so much more than my boyfriend for things because that was easier for me or he understood me more, or I would give him more attention than my boyfriend and it just wasn't right at all. I am a lot closer to my boyfriend now because of Nick deciding to walk away and I know it was necessary. But right now I just feel so guilty over this stuff, especially the saying I love you to him (esp the time I said it with a lot of emotion and feeling behind it in that kind of way) and having some possible feelings behind it. I feel like I emotionally cheated on my boyfriend and that kills me. I actually told my boyfriend a good bit of this earlier because it was bothering me so badly and he said he wasn't upset or hurt, but I don't think he understands to the full degree how much I feel like I did betray him by doing all this.
And it bothers me that I don't feel like I will ever have that same relationship that I did with Nick with anyone else, and I worry that means I am suppressing my feelings and that I am being somehow fake by being with my boyfriend because our connection is different. We have a strong bond too but nothing will ever be quite like the bond with Nick. There are times that all I want is to be able to talk to him again and times that I feel like my life is just not right without being able to have him in it. But my boyfriend has qualities that make us blend really well together and balance out. I love him more than anything in the world and he is everything to me. He's the most wonderful and loyal and sweet guy in the universe and I am now fearing that I did him wrong or that I could even still be carrying all those feelings with me and that deep down what if I want to be with Nick? I don't think I do at all but since all this came back up today I'm just feeling a heavy weight on my chest and that I truly betrayed him.
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS Feed