Please help I feel stuck cannot find any solution

Hello I am new to this forum and I had to sign up because I feel stuck in this situation
I have had OCD for as Long as I can remember ever since I was a child
However something occured over a year ago which really set my OCD off and it has steadily gotten worse
Within a year now I am completely housebound and unable to function properly
I shower multiple times for hours and hours and have to clean every surface and it is not only from physical things
If (I have certain triggers which I am uncomfortable to type) I even see or hear or think about it like maybe someone mentions it on tv or I see a picture or something I instantly feel dirty and then I physically have to clean myself and everything
I need to shower 4 times to feel clean
I live in an apartment and if while I am showering I hear someone from above flush their toilet I need to start my shower ritual all over again
I cannot even open any windows or my door because I completely freak out if someone walks past especially if they cough or something (this happened mostly after read below)

Now my main issue is (since a few months ago) something triggered inside me which made everything a billion times worse
I suddenly developed a huge huge phobia (even typing this is making me uncomfortable) of...Hospitals

This has now gotten to a point where it is not only the hospital itself
I feel like everything is connected to it
Like cars drive by them and then go everywhere on the road
People go there and then go out to other public places
People go there and then they go home and obviously they don't clean everything because they don't feel this way but then I feel like their whole house is 'hospital' and dirty and so they are dirty
So I cannot interact with anyone
Even my doors and windows are closed if I hear someone walk past from outside I freak out even if they don't cough or something
I also cannot touch anything because like I feel they went to the H then went and touched other stuff whether it is in public or their own home
So I think you guys can get what I mean

So now obviously another issue related to this is that this is my biggest issue and fear so I am unable to go to any doctor or get any help because that's what the issue is in the first place
Like if I could already go and get treatment then I would already not have any problem do you get what I mean??

I cannot even get someone to come to my place either or take medication because that will also come from some medical facility and I just...aaaaargh

So please advice
Any help would be appreciated
I am losing hope everyday

Dear Thegreengirl1111:

Fear. It is that thing that gets attached to things, and your fear got attached to hospitals and being contaminated by disease. I had OCD since I was five or six, I am guessing. It was always something. I am trying to.. unkook my own fear from what it gets attached to. I think of something, get scared and then I say to myself: I am afraid, this is fear. Fear is something I have to live with.

I remember when I first succeeded to not follow through with an OCD compulsion. It just so happened that i talked sense to myself. I said to myself: this is not making sense: if I don't do this, nothing bad will happen and I experimented: i didn't follow through with the compulsion/ ritual... and nothing happened. Since then I didn't do the elaborate rituals, only small, short ones, like removing something from the table because it bothers me, I still do. But nothing elaborate and time consuming like I used to.

it is something else, this fear. It really never goes away... a break here and there, but I think everyone is afraid. i think it is inevitable. I think that I need to find a better and better way to live with fear. For one thing not rush to do just anything to get rid of it. there is a whole lot to it. I know your distress- I sure hope things get better for you!

atina

Hi atina

You are very right, it is fear
I too will try to get over little by little of this fear
Thank you so much for your encouragement I really appreciate it!

I just wish there was some way I could get more help but until then I will try my best thank you

Dear Thegreengirl1111:

Yes, fear. Please do write me anytime, here on this thread. If it is helpful to you, write- and every time I get a message from you, I will reply. Please do take care of yourself!

atina

Hey there. Atina made some great comments. I just wanted to add my own experience on here. I've had OCD for about 12 years now. My main compulsion/ritual that I still do is reading other peoples ocd posts and posting my own threads. Other than that, I don't have many if any others. I used to though when it first started out. I felt the need to touch things a certain number of times or until it felt "right" because I would get the thought that if I didn't then something bad would happen or someone I loved would die, etc. So naturally I felt very strong urges to do the compulsion. I had a few others too but just as atina said, I did the same thing with eventually thinking how I knew I was being irrational and illogical and so I decided to test out my thought. So I got the thought to touch something another time but I didn't and then I kept resisting and every time I resisted it taught my brain that everything was okay, everything was fine and that there was no real need to do what the thought was telling me or to perform whatever the urge was. So, acknowledge the fear and acknowledge the thought, but then also acknowledge that it's OCD and that OCD is anxiety based and is therefore very irrational. Start out small, like if you feel the need to shower because the toilet flushed, do something else instead. Something that you enjoy, not something your mind is telling you to do. Or just sit there. Sit it out for as long as you can and deny yourself from doing the act.

Even if you think it will bring you relief for a bit, it is really only feeding the OCD. That's all it's doing each time you react to the thoughts or urges to perform the compulsion. Start somewhere and show your brain that you are safe. Go outside for a few minutes and then the next time try and actually go somewhere with people and then slowly just keep pushing the limits, keep showing yourself that you won't get sick every time you go out or that it's OKAY to feel like your a little dirty or contaminated. I get that feeling a lot when I touch certain things and I often do go to wash my hands but I only wash them once and I don't go overboard with it. If I'm out and get that feeling that I'm dirty or contaminated and there is no bathroom nearby then that's okay. I can keep walking around because I know I am likely fine and that it's just my mind focusing in on it or over analyzing it. Go see a therapist. Where I go to see mine is a very nice and clean feeling space. Yes, there is a possibility of picking up germs when you go out, but you can do things to lessen that risk without going overboard. You can keep hand sanitizer in your car and just squirt a SMALL amount into your hands when you get in. But do not let that become a ritual either. It's only a small precaution that is necessary and is a rational thing to do. Your chances of picking up some major germ is not that large. I go out every single day, I love to go shopping and I am CONSTANTLY going out and walking past people, touching things that plenty of people have touched, even trying on clothes a lot that others have worn. I do this every single week and I rarely get sick from this. And if you get a cold every once in a while or what have you, it won't be the end of the world. Don't stay inside too much, it is better to go out and build up your immune system, then you can fight off any germs better anyway. What I'm trying to do here is show you all the logical sides of this. I want you to still live your life. OCD does not deserve to have so much control that it keeps you indoors all the time. You can fight it. Use logical reasoning when you can and do things every single day to show your OCD that it's wrong and that you don't actually need to do these compulsions. I really hope this helps you in some way!! <3

* Dear Hello_FrmTheOthrSide: I found your post above very helpful and encouraging to me. I never read another person doing what I did, resisting compulsions and succeeding doing that. Thank you!
atina

Atina, you are so welcome! I'm really glad it was helpful to someone!

Dear Hello_FrmTheOthrSide:

Your explanation is excellent in the post, clear, easy to follow, insightful. Good enough to print and have a hard copy of it, which I am thinking of doing. So thank you again. I wish more people read it!
anita

Hello_FrmTheOthrSide made a lot of fantastic points! I don't have too much to add, but my OCD used to make me afraid to leave the house and, honestly, the only thing that can improve it is leaving and realizing that all the disastrous consequences you're thinking of didn't happen. But it's so scary to start to ignore your compulsions! Like Hello said, start out small and you can acknowledge how uncomfortable you feel, but make sure to push yourself into the discomfort for long enough to recognize that you're not feeling any adverse consequences.

And finally, this might not work for you or it might sound stupid, but I have a smartphone and whenever I felt the OCD spiral beginning, I'd run to a bathroom or to another room and focus on whatever mindless app I could so that my mind stopped focusing on the obsessions and focused on the app instead. Not always helpful, but when it was it kept panic attacks at bay (My compulsions were often based around time--"If I do X, then Y will happen in 15 minutes"--so it helped to distract me long enough to realize that 30 minutes had passed without any reaction.)