HOCD, Gay, Confused, Anxiety

Hi everyone, I have reached a point where I don't know what to do with my life. I have always suffered from low self esteem confidence and some sort of an identity crisis. My father was never available for me emotionally as a son growing up and I was always seeking approval and an emotional connection with him which didn't help me growing up. I never followed my intuition never believed in myself never thought i was good enough and never had any direction in life. 27 years later I sit here and I have just quit my job. I was also working with my dad (who is divorced now from my mother).

As a young kid I remember my first sexual experience were with two of my cousins. Two boys. we started touching each other a with our feet in the dark under the sheets. We were around 14-15, sort of like a foot job which was super fun I remember the experience.

Growing up I always remember having crushes on girls in school but never really acted on it and didn't have sex until university. A one night stand and I found it difficult to get erect. Later on I had a girlfriend at university and I remember being really into her but also struggling with sex. With girls I would say that I was never that confident in my performance or game. I started watching porn as well growing up with regular porn, then migrated to transexual porn, sometimes gay porn which I started enjoying growing up.

Between 2007 -2011 I was in a relationship with a girl in scotland. Our sex life was good, I have a big foot fetish and I have some sort of a jealousy fetish where I would enjoy it when she would put her feet in my face while fingering herself and making me jealous talking about other guys and imagining other guys turning her on more than me. Throughout the relationship I would never always get fully erect when having sex, it would be very on off, sometimes I would be super turned on and sometimes I would struggle. I think this was a mix of some anxiety, low self confidence and the medication I take. I am on meds for my Epilepsy which I have been suffering from for 15 + years. I have never fully accepted my epilepsy and always felt like it has dragged me down. I think I have been suffering with some sort of depression throughout my life, I don't have much ambition and I fear almost everything and I am constantly seeking happiness and never satisfied, I wan't peace and direction. Everything has always been given to me by growing up financially and I feel like I have never followed my heart and direction in life which has confused me soo much to the point where I don't even know what I want in life.

Me and my ex-girlfriend never had much of a connection or understanding and it was very hard to get through to her emotionally which was a big problem for me during the relationship but the comfort of having a girl friend was enough for me to stay in the relationship for 4 years until eventually we broke up. and I moved to Germany. This one time I decided to go see a transexual escort and I enjoyed giving her head but not the taste of cum at all, I remember going to the toilet and almost feeling sick. I didn't let her/him **** me, she wanted to and tried to put it in but I got turned off/scared I don't know but whatever it is I didn't want her to put her dick inside of me. That was my last experience with c**k up and till now. I still watched porn and many different types.

The last two years as a single guy I have loved flirting with girls and had some fun experiences but still struggled keeping an erection and in some cases even getting an erection so I resulted to using pills that help me get erect, at times which helped me alot. I have now decided I do not wan't that anymore. At the beginning of this year I had a low moment and I worried about my sexuality, not being able to maintain erections with women, not enjoying sex as much, in a desperate solution to my problem I called my ex and I told her I wanted to get back with her and then it. It started of good and we had fun but I didn't feel much love and I sort of felt like I was going back into my comfort zone and taking a step back in life both with the job that i f***ing hate and with my ex who is comfortable for me. One day a friend of mine came up to me and said "why are you back with your ex"? "what are you thinking" "You can do so much better?" "why are you settling?

I remember how I felt after I started being off with my girlfriend that evening. The next day I woke up and had a panic attack, thinking of why i made the decision to get back with my ex, why i am settling stared breathing heavily, palpitations and getting scared and then at the end of my attack a thought came to my head. "What if I'm Gay" (I would like to just say i have nothing against gay people so please dont take this to offence) this was the start of my problems, for the next two-three weeks I have been suffering anxiety, dear of being gay, thinking i am gay, remembering moments throughout my growth as a young boy, finding guys attractive, I started questioning my sexuality more and more. testing my sexuality online, reading forums on HOCD, trying to confirm if i am gay or not by doing online tests, it was hell for me, feeling extremely low i would convince myself that i am not gay then fight it then try to accept it. Its been soo scary for me. now i am getting better but i have started thinking about cocks and sucking cocks and constantly saying to myself in my head "im gay" what if im gay and numerous things that get me stressed. I have never been in love with a guy or wanted to marry a guy or ever thought about anything like that but regardless i like cocks and the idea of a man forcing me to suck his c**k and cumming on me. I want to be in love with a woman and marry her and have kids and its always been a dream of mine, im very emotional and sensitive which leads to me having big problems and emotional breakdowns. Since my anxiety i have quit my job, broken up with my girlfriend and i am trying to sort out my life. i want to travel alone get out of here and do some spiritual healing in brazil. I still get anxiety thinking that what if i go to brazil out of my comfort zone alone and i realise im gay. that thought scares me. please someone help me here i do not want to suffer from this sort of anxiety forever and i dont want these thoughts to keep resonating. i want to be happy i want to fall in love, i want confidence i dont want to fear being gay or fear that i like c**k more than pussy. maybe its performance anxiety i dont know but i really need some help from anywhere. Please let me know and thankk you for reading

Dear billybobt:

Your teenage experience with your two male cousins may have been what set a connection in your brain between feet and sexual turn on. After all they touched you with their feet and you touched them with your feet. It was fun at the time, so a connection was made, perhaps, a foot fetish, as you call it.

Also your cousins were males and the experience was pleasurable, so there is a connection between fun and sexual turn on and penises, theirs, and yours.

These are connections made in the brain during early childhood, not different from connecting pleasure to a particular food in childhood. People gravitate toward that food their whole life.

So, early experiences, connections. And so it goes. The lack of erection at times with girls, could be like you wrote, medication for the epilepsy, could be ... again, a connection between fear and performance.

It really is not about a type of god entity that decided you are gay or straight. It is about connections formed in those early years and they stay in the brain. Gay and straight turn on things are not a gay OR straight, this is an artificial divider. With millions of connections in the brain, the variety and complexity of likes and dislikes is immense.

atina