Sick of HOCD

For what seems like 2 years, HOCD has been on my mind.
I've posted here many times before; and in 2015 I thought I finally put it on the backburner and was mostly gone.
Well, it's back.
It's the typical symptoms: fear, checking, false memories, groinal responses, all that fun stuff!!! Not really!!

But now it feels more real than ever.
I'm 17, never kissed, really alone while all my friends get attention. This post explains 90% ofthe things that were going on (my old account) : obsessive-compulsive/topic153069.html

I don't know how to get rid of this.
I still don't like the initial thought of being with a girl, intimately or romantcially, my mind tells me that i do though and it's all faking it. The thought just popped into my mind one day and it;s killing me. I never had yto question attraction or force it for men until HOCD came up and never thought of a girl in that way until it started. I got rid of it for a year and I don't remember how I did it.

I'm just so numb to this. I'm so done with HOCD. I still want physical initmacy and stuff with a dude but am afraid I'll hate it because I have no real expierence but I've had so many real crushes on guys and only HOCD ridden ones on girls. Man, I miss 2015. It was almost completely gone. I felt like myself and if any thoughts came they just left.
Now I can't tell myself or accept my MAYBE gayness of bisexuality because it feels like it's true, when I feel like it really isn't ?? if that makes sense? I feel like I can't call myself bi because I feel like if I did I wouldn't even try to go out and expierment... because I don't feel the need to, or i'm afraid, or it's denial, or it's HOCD.

I just don't know. I'm so done with it. Help, please?

Dear kk167:

If you could only stop caring if you were gay or bi or straight, that would be nice, wouldn't it? If you were not emotionally invested then there will be no energy (as the energy in emotion, energy-in-motion) to fuel this HOCD.

atina

I know how you are feeling, only I'm a guy. I always think people don't truly understand what I'm going through right now..
Always thought of myself as straight but lately I can't tell anymore. In the beginning I was sure I was just obsessing but now I really don't know if I would like to be in a gay relationship. I feel like I'll have to accept my gayness in the end of all.
If you want to have a talk with someone going through this right now you can PM me, I think I need someone to talk about this anyway.

Dear qazwsxedc:

If you prefer to talk via PM, please PM me. I am not a guy though. It is my understanding that HOCD is much more frequent in very young men, teenagers often. That is because being gay is more threatening to boys than it is for girls, I mean the social attitudes are stronger regarding gay males. This is why HOCD is more prevalent in boys, teenagers and young men.

If it wasn't for the social stigma, negativity, the thought of being gay wouldn't be a scary one.

Anyway, if you'd like, you can PM me. Or keep writing here, as you wish.

atina

I don't really know. When I think that I might really be gay I don't have the panic attacks anymore and don't even feel disgusted, but still I'd like to be straight, or maybe I'm just telling myself that I would.
Right now I think I want to be straight but there's no feeling of joy nor anything backing me up. I want to end all this being straight, but maybe I really am not. I don't like the thought of being bi too because if I am maybe I'll fall in love with some random dude and I don't want this.

Dear quzwsxedc:

You are probably not scared so much anymore and not so disgusted about being gay, and you are not feeling joy about being straight because... you wore down your feelings on this. You are probably exhausted after thinking and feelings so long you just shut down. So I wouldn't count on your feelings, or lack of, to indicate anything. You are just tired.

What I was meant by my previous post was that it makes sense to me why a straight teenager/ young man would obsess on being gay/bi- and that is because of the strong social stigma. It is so scary to be gay, the social rejection and all, that you obsess on it. Same as in obsessing about being dirty and getting disease. We obsess on things that scare us (being gay and the social consequences or getting diseases, only two examples).

So it makes sense why.
atina

I even laughed a bit when I read your post, I was so tense and I got so relieved for a moment. It really makes sense, thank you. I think that exhaustion maybe is what I'm going through right now.
This though doesn't explain why some of the thoughts would get me on, even if I didn't have the urge to watch gay porn nor anything. Well, that's maybe because i'm teen and everything about sex turns me on, or because I've watched years of porn. Whatever, I can't have all the answers.

About the original poster of the topic, if you feel in need to say something here, do it. I'd like to help.

I am going through something similar to this as well, for a second time , lol

I think the key lies in dealign with this is :

Stop looking for answers , like, really, stop , just stop caring about this and try to live yourself like you did before this happened , just stop giving a flying ###$ about labels , like, who cares if you are Bi or straight ? right ?
Dont rationalize those thoughts , I am legitimately serious , the more you analyze and rationalize the more you will suffer

Even i dont know what is real and what is caused by my head

Dear qazwsxedc:

I posted and it didn't show up.. I wonder where it went. I will try to repeat: I agree with you on this: "This though doesn't explain why some of the thoughts would get me on, even if I didn't have the urge to watch gay porn nor anything. Well, that's maybe because i'm teen and everything about sex turns me on"

Yes, this IS my experience: the great majority of male teenagers and young men get turned on by any which thing under the sun and the moon... anything, actually, there is nothing, no object, real or imaginary that did NOT stimulate a teenage male sexually somewhere along the globe. It is just that most of the things you get turned on don't alarm you...but there are so many. And if something is taboo, just because it is not approved of by some, or many, just for that reason, it turns teenagers on. My goodness! So, yes, this too is not an indication of gayness...or bi-ness

atina

I'm getting more and more confused by the day, and less and less anxious. Yesterday, I wasn't sure whether I was gay or not but I knew I didn't want to be gay.
Today even this I don't know anymore. I don't even feel I'm fighting intrusive, obsessive thoughts anymore, like I was in the beginning, I'm just so confused, I don't know what I want to be anymore. I wish I had the anxiety back, at least I would be sure it's HOCD. This is looking less and less like HOCD.