Hocd, please help!

I am sorry for this long post, but I am sick of battling alone in my mind. I just need help and relief from users.

I am a 19 year old girl, and for the past year I feel as though I have been living a hell inside my head, due to constantly questioning my sexuality and having sexually intrusive thoughts.

I have always been attracted to men, and have been in relationships with them. Ever since a young age I have fantasised about eventually having a husband and having a family.

I had never questioned my sexuality, until one day last year while I was on holiday I saw a women in a bikini and thought "I wished I looked as good as that". Immediately, I thought "that was inappropriate", "why were you even looking at her", "what if you're gay", "because you looked st her, you're gay". All of these thoughts gave me terrible anxiety and made me very uncomfortable. I do not want to be gay, the idea of it makes me very uncomfortable and I feel physically sick. This is why the thoughts are having such an impact and scaring me so much.

From that moment on, I have spent hours and hours a day questioning and checking everything I see and do. Looking back on moments of my life that may suggest I acted in a homosexual manner. I have never been attracted to a woman, sure I've thought that they are pretty, but in an envious sense that I wished I also looked like that. So why all of a sudden am I experiencing these thoughts?

Ever since that day, my mind has been full of "what ifs" and "checking". It started off mild by seeing if I found the strangers of the same sex pretty/attractive, then to imagining myself being with them/kissing them etc. Recently these thoughts have escalated to seeing many strangers of the same sex naked and in a sexual nature. When these thoughts occurred I would check my reaction, and then find short relief due to my reaction being disgusted. These reactions however were/are short lived as the thoughts keep on returning, also telling myself that because I was having these thoughts it means that I am gay and that I am just in denial. This is very distressing as all of these images in my brain make my feel ill, very uncomfortable and I get an awful feeling of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.

Because these problems have became increasingly worse, it has started to effect my day to day life. I will avoid as many situations as possible that might bring on the thoughts/anxiety, such as watching television, going to social events, college/work and even just leaving the house. I can't even listen to some songs that contain lyrics that may be somewhat suggestive telling myself that I am gay if I listen to it or enjoy the song.

I also really struggle being around anyone that is homosexual, which I find very hard as my closest friend (male) is gay. I don't mean to sound homophobic, but I can't control my anxiety, I never used to have an issue with anybody who identified as gay but now I can't even look at a rainbow without feeling sick.

I also experience these thoughts when doing tasks, I know it sounds silly but an example of this is when I am making a drink, I'll say to myself "if I don't make it back into the kitchen before the kettle has boiled, that proves I am I lesbian". I also used to experience this before hocd, by instead saying that something bad would happen to my family.

I have went to see a GP about this as I felt as though I couldn't go on any further with these thoughts taking over my mind, crying all the time and being constantly upset and anxious. I'm scared to take this any further as I am petrified a professional is just going to tell me that I am in denial, just like that part of my mind does.

I can't go a day without having hours of it being consumed by these horrendous thoughts , and I can't even sleep properly anymore as I am afraid that something in my dream will bring the thoughts on. Now I also feel as if I'm losing my attraction to men, only fueling this torture on even more.

I just want some form of help from other users to show that I'm not going mad. And what way can I find relief?

I am extremely grateful for any replies as I am sick of living this way, constantly anxious, sad and terrified. I hope someone has experienced what I am going through so I don't feel so isolated. I am petrified that I cannot find any answers and that someday I might have to resort into accepting the thoughts, which honestly makes me feel as though I would rather not be here to have to deal with how I would feel if that was the case.

Thank you to anyone who has actually read this, I just want help to be normal again. I fear I am losing my mind.

Relax , you are okay

You looked at her in an envious manner, IIRC i have seen lots of women complimenting others looks in an envious way, hell even my mother would do that to an actress she found beautiful in a TV show

One thing to keep in mind is that it is really normal for a person to find another person under same gender attractive in an envious manner

As I stated before even my Mom has done it before, and so has my Sister , now , does that make them gay ? nope, its fine , completely normal

If you need someone to speak to , Imma try to be here and reply