OCD and who you were meant to be

Hey guys. I lurked awhile before making an account because I found a lot of the posts on here were cathartic for me. In particular, I've found that reading other peoples' stories has offered me a lot of insight into my own disordered thinking process because I can identify the same feelings and obsessive thoughts I have with things I haven't stressed about, such as HOCD or POCD. I posted on a few threads to offer my perspective and I hope it was useful.

This past 2 months I've been focusing on resolving personal issues related to real abuse that happened to me and the confounding (and more serious) problems of OCD, which you all know about. I've reached a point where I can stand behind myself, undistracted, without being immediately attacked with intrusive, obsessive thoughts.

The next problem I'm facing is a total lack of identity because of all the time and energy wasted in battling this disorder. I can't really say what I like, what my values are, what my personality is like, or who this person is that exists outside of the disorder. It feels like we can never have anything to stand for due to our constant, endless self doubting. We don't have anything we can say about ourselves that we feel is 100% true.

Of course this is a tiny problem compared to real anxieties that people here are suffering today, i.e. HOCD, ROCD, POCD, but I would be interested in hearing how some of you figured out who you were meant to be, or how you would try and discover who you are meant to be if you could stop your obsessions and anxieties.

Dear gomek:

I struggled with identity for the longest time, decades. This is what I realize as only in the last few years I am getting in touch with who I am:

Fear is a force, a powerful emotion, that shrinks the individual, not only humans but animals as well (and we are animals). When overwhelmed with fear we shrink, minimize our existence, fetal position like, just staying alive, not expanding. So however form fear takes, if it is intense enough and overwhelming, the reaction is minimizing living, minimizing reaching out to others and to new experiences.

The doubting is a result of fear and a cause for more fear.

Regarding my identity, what I only figured out lately, and it was a shocker for me (!) is that I am a loving person. I thought I was a hater, someone despicable, hurtful.. but I found out that I was loving from the beginning, and that is why I was so hurt when betrayed by the mother I loved so much. Then I found out that I am indeed loving and lovable. What a concept! This is good enough as far as identity to hold me over for now!!!

atina

Very important topic, and great reply. I want to return to this later.

Back again, thanks for the reply.

I've thought of it, and I came to some conclusions. I am in fact a wicked, evil person!

Kidding, but I do have some psychological traits I am only now recognizing. I'm figuring out how to place them within my self image, and its causing me some angst. On the other hand, my OCD symptoms are subsiding with the gradual lifting of my depression. That is to say, they are still there but far more trivial and easier to deal with than my previous symptoms when I was under the influence of severe depression.

It feels like there are islands of my identity floating in a vast, empty sea, and I can only make contact between them through false personas. I don't know if anyone else has experienced that. Anyways, thanks to atina and I hope to hear your position Inneed.

I'm struggling with this topic too. I am so overcome by anxiety and obsessions that I have little time to focus on what kinds of things I like or who I really am. My OCD has convinced me that I am a horrible person who doesn't deserve love or happiness. Deep down I know that I am a caring person but it is so hard to focus on others when your mind will never stop obsessing.

Same here. I can't concentrate on anything other than the tormenting thoughts. I don't take interest in books, movies, and in general the things people talk about in conversation. I have a hot feeling on the back of my neck that reminds me of my constant anxiety. I don't know how I'll ever be able to relate to people, even though I want to be social and easygoing.