post HOCD troubles (and advice for current sufferers)

Hello all it's been a while!

I suffered from HOCD for over a year, nearly a year and a half...and for the most part, a good amount of my life is back. I don't visit the forums, maybe like once a month or so since I still get these occasional flare ups. I only get POCD for a short bit when I watch law and order...so I avoid that altogether.

But I've made it through mild POCD, ROCD, Trans OCD, HOCD (which was the worst with TOCD following). I can only tell you the best way to get rid of these thoughts is dismiss them as total #######4, because they are. And they might not seem so at the time. And it seems hard to accept that, and it is, by far the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. And I've come out of this a stronger person. You must know that you don't have to "prove" anything to yourself (which is really just trying to prove it to OCD, which will still doubt whatever proof you put on the table).

OCD will twist your thoughts and blind you to what you really are; and your brain is probably convincing you that you're the exception, when you're literally like every other person who has suffered from OCD; and remember some have it more intense than others. You're viewing the world through OCD goggles, and you must refuse to listen, no matter what it says or does. Neuroticplanet has also definitely saved my life. I tried medication and therapy, but found they didn't help me personally. I took it head on.

Also flare-ups...they will happen, and you have to accept the possibility of them when you over come your depression. I will never be where I once was, or even close to it, but I still haven't recovered my attraction, and still sometimes actually feel as though I like women (though i ignore it). But it still spikes me every once in a while, but I remind myself the intense attraction I used to have to guys, even though I haven't felt it in a while. BUT, every once in a blue moon, I do get an intense fleeting attraction for my boyfriend.

My problem and personal rant right now is the depression I'm left with. My HOCD is 92% gone; I've been depressed from this since it started in May 2014 (makes me sad to know i've dealt with this for so long)...and i've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I love him, and he's been by my side the whole time, and is my biggest supporter. We maybe have sex a few times a month, since my sex drive is nil. I've never told him about the HOCD, but he knows about my mental anguish. It does make me feel awful that my physical attraction isn't really there, and i lack basic human emotion (depression). My depression causes random intense sadness, and angry outbursts at those I care about, on top of just being in this bleh mood all the time. I'm rarely happy, nothing makes me excited, even when I went to get this tattoo I wanted or got my license, I didn't get a good feeling from it. I'm not excited or hopeful for anything in my future. There doesn't seem to be anything positive about me or my life.

The depression seems to be here to stay, but I don't fully focus on it since I have other things on my mind (college, school, all that fun stuff). The depression has been at a steady flow, and i'm just not sure what to do about it anymore. I'm stuck in the same rut.

But remember, if you're alive, there's hope for you.

Dear worriedgirl103:

You successfully, for the most part, confronted OCD thoughts and called out their bluff. I am wondering if you can do the same with the thoughts causing your depression. Not that it is the same, of course. There may be real things going on causing your depression, unresolved family issues for one. In Cognitive Therapy I started my own healing five years ago, OCD, Depression and other diagnoses. I still examine my thoughts for accuracy. Many of my thoughts are automatic and it took a long practice of Mindfulness, paying attention (to what I am automatically thinking, for one) before I was able to follow those automatic thoughts.

For example, it took me a long time to figure that I was thinking someone is going to attack me, verbally most of the time, at any thing I did or did not do ... I didn't know it and that ongoing fear of being attacked depressed the hell out of me.

It is an ongoing process.

atina

Hey i wanted to know if u felt the same as me. a lot of
my anxiety has dissipated but i feel attracted to women all the time i think like i make myself start thinking about them and i feel like i get turned on. even when my ocd
isnt bad i feel this way. and i still dont feel anythng toward guys like if theres a bikini pic i have to stare and a shirtless guy i dont. i feel like this is evidence im gay. i also dont always like sex w guys and tune out at times like esp if i start the tthought in my head that i couod be gay. it sucks so bad. ive had these thoughts since i was a kid but then ill be with a guy and be turned on by him and i just want to lnow for sure. i like cant even imagine getting
married to a guy
cause ill probably stop being attracted to him. basically
all my attractions to men feel forced. i know u cant tell me what i am but i want hope
that
i might be straight still even tho im getting these stupid attractions to women. i dont like
it but im not getting anxious any
more.

looking ahead--

the worst thing you can do is ask for reassurance...and you've definitely heard this a thousand times in the forums. But i will help you this one time, but after this, I want you to STAY off the forums. You have to do your best to avoid the reassurance your brain pleas for...which feeds your OCD, and makes it a bigger monster. While it helps you during the short term, you're making yourself dependent on other peoples words and reassurance, which will only make everything worse. Please do this for yourself, or you will be stuck in this never-ending loop of HOCD. I had almost two years of my life lost to the illness, and that was my motivation for getting out of it. It was the most difficult thing i've ever had to go through, but staying in the loop can long-term damage your mental health.

but heed my words, OCD can make your worst possible fear seem like your reality. You remind me of myself when I went through HOCD. If you have been turned on by men in the past, then you are definitely, somewhere deep down, still attracted to men. I relate to your post almost completely. The reason you focus on the bikini pictures and shirtless guy pictures is your OCD. THIS IS YOUR OCD. It's attempting to reel you back into the cycle of obsession.
Before this you probably never even thought twice about these pictures. You said, "i cant imagine getting married to a guy...because ill probably stop being attracted"...again, words and doubts of OCD. It clouds your mind, makes you doubt. That's the nature of the illness. OCD tendencies and thought processes (like thinking you still may be attracted to women even when OCD isn't around), i get it sometimes to, but i ignore it, because I know i don't have to do anything i don't want to (like being with a woman, because i flat out have no interest in women, regardless of OCD telling you otherwise) and it is clear to me now that I don't want to be with a girl and never will be; and these fake attractions is simply OCD trying to pull you back into the cycle.

I stopped getting anxious (I think about one or two months?? I don't fully remember) after HOCD began. But I worried about it constantly....to the point that i'd sit in class all day, on my phone, scrolling on the forums, causing me to almost fail the end of my sophomore and entire junior year, which had destroyed my college future and caused my amazing GPA to plummet (I was on track to go to my dream university, i'm very smart, however the disorder took up 95% of my thoughts at one point. Now I'm stuck going to community college, but ending my senior year on first honors). Worrying is anxiety. Anxiety causes worrying. Just because it's not physical anxiety (fast heartbeat, sweating, etc) doesn't mean it's not anxiety.

Your attraction to men feels forced because right now you basically are forcing it. Attraction is natural, and putting pressure on yourself to be attracted isn't going to get it back. I'm not saying your attraction is gone because you're gay, it's gone because you constantly think about it, pressure yourself to feel it, and on top of the constant stress and anxiety your brain is under, it won't come back until you conquer your fear of being gay, and your illness. Even after you conquer it, it can still take a while to return. You can't allow this illness to take over your life and tell you who you are and what you want.

You're straight, and sexuality doesn't change. Now, do yourself a favor, and ignore everything it tells you,(literally, all the sensations, thoughts, feelings; THEY'RE FAKE!!) find humor in it (and this was VERY hard to do, but the illness shouldn't be taken seriously with what it tells you). Find the thinking patterns your OCD gives you and tell them to screw off.
And I honestly wish you the best of luck, because you're going to be able to handle anything after overcoming HOCD.

ty so much its just hard i feel like i have no interest
in men at all and stare at every woman in an *attraction* way like i said without even thinking about it but i just cant accept that im gay. ugh! im just gonna keep trying to take your advice and hope
this lifts- it has been a constant in my mind for so long

Btw how can I feel NO Attraction to men at all ever anymore. No matter what pretty much like I think "You were just forcing it when you were younger." I mean how can OCD be that powerful. That sounds like a real sexuality crisis . I suppose it will be figured out someday.

Having an intrusive thought like that doesn't necessarily make it true about you.

looking ahead,
no problem. I'd love to help you in any way I can. Message me sometime if you need any advice
you truly remind me of myself and my thought processes going through the illness..and its crazy how similar some OCD thought processes are. don't let these thoughts consume you..they're just very terrifying thoughts. i have looked into OCD and loss of sexual attraction. believe me, It's SO common. The mind works in crazy ways. personally I believe stress from the illness causes a type of sexual dysfunction...and even when you get over HOCD, it might be a bit until you recover it.
just remember, it's not a crisis. it's an illness.
your attraction will come back, I promise.
And jdd, you're absolutely right!

worriedgirl103

Thanks for the topic , I am a guy and even I am going through something similar to this, soooo exactly how did you overcome it ? Did the thought ever come to you that you could be Bi and all these could be real and you are just denying yourself ?
Also were you ever aroused around same gender ?

Maybe I am right about that but what if in my case it is true since I seem like I have the highest chance of it being so.