HOCD or Gay?? bad dreams

ive posted before but recently ive been getting worse.

to start off with i really dont know if i am gay (female) or not. I had my first kiss with a girl when i was 8 but we saw it on tv and i remember thinking about a boy in school. and i even kissed my barbie dolls and pretended to be the male as i hated my ken doll. In high school i was obsessed with boys and even in college. however im unsure of myself.

i used to watch a lot of straight porn grown up and in the 2 years i would go and watch lesbian porn and it would turn me on. I did have a bad relationship with my ex before watching lesbian porn and it left quiet an effect on me in relationships. i thought i fancied a girl but it didn't last long. i saw her more of a mate (im not so sure now).
i got into a relationship with a really nice man and i thought about him all the time, it was nice to kiss him. but suddenly I had a vivid dream of having sex with a girl and thats when it all started. i was constantly having arousal dreams about having sex with a girl and it made me feel like i was cheating. they got to me so much i was convincing myself i was gay. id look at guys and feel nothing and even girls and felt nothing. i watched straight porn and it would do nothing but then i watched lesbian porn and get aroused! i was very suicidal because i thought i knew who i was!

im not exactly the girlish of girls (bit of a tomboy) and i got upset when no guy would see me as a girl. i complemented a girl once and my teacher said "oh we patting for the other team?" i was confused but it really affected me once i knew what she ment.

please tell me im not the only one who has done this or experienced any of this!!

Dear who-am-i-really:

You are not the only one. I didn't know either what it meant that i was aroused on a few occasions watching lesbian porn. I don't like porn by the way, and will not watch it again. I hate porn. But i did get aroused watching two women. I think it was about the act they were doing, not the fact that they were two women, but in any case, i used to think that I may be lesbian and even felt like the man when around a woman, as if I was on a date and I was the man. Strange, it seemed to me then. Years later, well... I am not a lesbian. I was never really very attracted to men... or to women. That is because I was such a troubled person from such an early age.

And over the years I found out that I am not the only one about anything at all. This is one of the advantages in reading posts in this forum: you do find out that nothing about you is alien to the human experience and every single thought, emotion was or is and will be experienced by someone else!

atina

Are you an ace or demi atina ? Just curious.

* Dear jdd:

i don't know what "ace" or "demi" means. Maybe if English was my first language I would know or maybe if I grew up in an English speaking country I would know???

atina

Ace means asexual (no sexual attraction to any gender)

Demi is demisexual which is someone who doesn't typically feel sexual attraction for a person unless they've built an emotional bond with them. Can be anywhere on the spectrum.

Dear jdd:


Thank you for the explanation. Hmmm.. I don't want to yet give myself another diagnosis/ title/ category of types-of-people/ disorders to which I can belong...no, no... not (one or two more). Let's just say this: I lived in so much fear my whole life that I contracted and minimized my interests. I kept my living minimal. I think is what any living thing does when it is in danger or perceives oneself to be in danger. Sexual attraction is one of the many experiences minimized or kept from ... developing and expanding.

atina