Please Read! Need someone to talk to about this weird OCD

Hello everyone,

I'm new to this kind of forum, I've known about this site for a while now but this is my first time posting anything. I'm writing this because I think it is time to vent out all of the crap my head suffers because of OCD. Please, if you have any advice you can give me or just have anything nice to say it would be greatly appreciated. My native language isn't english, sorry if I have bad grammar or spelling.

Ok, so I'm an 18 year old male who is in his senior year of high school. I've suffered from OCD previous times. I have this minor OCD rituals like checking repeteadly if my alarm is on, checking if everything is in place so I don't forget, etc.

However, I have suffered from HOCD in the past (Homosexual OCD). I suffered from 15 until I turned 17. I managed to defeat HOCD alone. (hardest thing I have ever done in my life) So anyone out there who is suffering from HOCD, YOU CAN DEFEAT IT, THERE'S LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

Okay well enough introduction, now to talk about my real issue here. At my first day of senior year, I met a new teacher who gave us World History class. I love World History so I took a liking to his class very quickly. With time I also got to know my teacher, we talked at times and he was (and still is) very friendly with me, so I took a liking of him too. However I only liked him (and still like him) as a normal student-teacher relationship. Everything was going perfectly normal.

Then, I seriously don't know what the hell got into me, but I started to have this weird thoughts about him. They weren't sexual or anything, the thoughts inside my head just said "You should really talk to him more, get closer to him, get to know him better" etc. At first the thoughts didn't bother me, I didn't pay too much attention, but they got louder and louder and they started to bother me so I started to do what the thoughts told me to do. I had no idea this would end up in something so horrible and exhausting.

As I started to do what the thoughts told me to do, they started to grow even louder and even more irrational. Things escalated pretty quickly. I started to fantasize about certain scenarios with him (again not sexual), I started to think everytime I went out of my house "I really hope I run into him on the street", I actually started to get kind of jealous when he talked to other students (so embarrasing...).
At first I thought I was developing a crush or something but I quickly turned down that theory because those thoughts didn't (and still don't) give me any comfort. I hate having those thoughts, I wish they could just go away. The thoughts are intrusive, discomforting, and really just take my time away.

Thoughts just started to grow louder and louder until the point I thought I was losing my mind and going crazy. That's when I self diagnosed me with OCD.
Let me explain, like all forms of OCD, it created inside my head out of nowhere, the thoughts are completely irrational and intrusive. Everytime I don't do what the thoughts tell me to do my head goes all crazy with thoughts like "OMG what are you doing? Do as I tell you, you are gonna miss a big oportunity to get to know him, go go go, look for him, talk to him". It really is exhausting and frustrating.

When winter break came, I lost contact with him. At first it was hard not seeing him, not becaue of me, but because my OCD, it just kept telling me "Holy $#%^, what are you going to do? You need to keep seeing him otherwise you will feel like you are losing a relationship with him".
Of course I did not see him during winter break. I befriended him on Facebook, I have even sent him a message but he never actually got it. The thoughts also tortured me with "Omg, he isn't answering, he hates you, he doesn't want to talk to you", even though he actually never got the message for unkown reasons. Again, completely irrational thoughts.

During winter break, I started to practice ER (Exposure and Response prevention). Usually, my response to these thoughts would be check his facebook profile everytime I thought about something of him. With this method, the thoughts in my head started to go silent, to the point I rarely thought about him. I felt free and happy that I didn't have to deal with these thoughts anymore.

When winter break was over and went back to school, I was so scared that I was going to go back to this, but I didn't. He does not give me World History anymore, he gives me another very different class. But I didn't think about him nor had this huge urges to socialize with him.

However, I recenlty found out that he is probably not going to go to my graduation party for personal reasons he told me. It kind of affected me a little bit because I did want him at that party, but oh well I can't do anything about it, moving on. I moved on, but my OCD didn't, it came back. It is not as strong as before but it is still there, with those same stupid thoughts.

I have been battling it with ER, him being the exposure and the response prevention being not giving in to the irrational urges of socializing with him. I now can recognize between an urge and a wish to actually socialize with him. An urge is when I get stressed and uneasy if I don't socialize with him. A wish is when I socialize with him because I want to and not because I'm making myself do it in order to make these thoughts shut up.

Recently, my whole school had a celebration for Valentine's Day. It isn't a really big school so it is easy to spot people. That had to be one of the hardest and exhausting days of the whole school year.
I saw him at distance with other teachers and my head just blew up and exploded with thoughts and urges. One part of my head was saying "Go ahead, talk to him, socialize, he is gonna leave, this is your chance", and other part of me said "No don't, that's just OCD, if you are going there with him is because you want to, not because someone else is telling you so".

I didn't know where I got the strenght from but I managed to apply ER, accept the thoughts I was having and be rational about the whole sitaution. It was extremely hard to do but I'm actually glad and proud I managed to be strong and didn't give in into OCD's sick tricks. At most times my OCD wanted me to think it wasn't OCD, but my true thoughts and wishes, which of course it isn't true.

Why I really want this to end is because I don't want to think about him the whole time, I don't want to feel like I'm missing out on something when I don't do what my OCD tells me to do. I used to think that I was missing out on my youth worrying about these things, but now I think otherwise. I'm still having fun and living my youth, I just happen to have these thoughts that aren't even real, they are not me.

And well that's it. Everytime I look back to those OCD thoughts just seem plain silly and irrational. I'm glad to think most of the time I don't do what they tell me to do.
It is really hard though. But I hope with time I will get over this.

I just wanted to vent out what I was thinking. No one knows about this, I'm a very closed person and I would like to keep it that way even if it takes a bit of difficulty to overcome this thing. Please tell me what you think and if you have any advice to overcome this kind of thing it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

Dear randomguy89:

I read your whole post which I thought was written very nicely and clearly. OCD here since young childhood. You asked for the reader's thoughts about your post. These are my thoughts being typed as I think them: maybe these OCD thoughts of yours (and OCD thoughts in general) are not completely irrational.. not completely foreign... how can they be foreign to one's brain if they are produced in one's brain. Anyway, I was thinking after reading in your last sentence or so that you are a closed person: as a closed person who does not reach out to other people, your thoughts regarding this teacher were about reaching out to him again and again, big time.

Maybe you need to reach out to another, someone you trust and this teacher gave you the impression that he is trustworthy. What do you think?

atina

Hello atina

Thank you so much for taking the time and patience to read my very long post (I didn't realize it was so long until i posted it, lol). Well I'm closed but not THAT closed. I do have friends and a couple of best friends whom I trust very much, in fact one of them was the first one I told about my HOCD when I was suffering from it.

Thank you for giving your opinion. However I don't think that's it because of what I just mentioned. I've been thinking and maybe it is because it's my last semester and I'm probably never going to see him again. I mean with friends we can meet up sometime but with him it would be a little bit weird and more difficult. However I'm planning to talk a bit more to him, not at an OCD level but also not completely avoid him. I mean, I'm almost off to college, maybe I'm obsessing that I'll never see one of my favorite teachers again? Who knows.. I'm gonna try to talk to him a bit more and see what happens.

Thanks for your reply, if you have anything else to say please reply

Dear randomguy89:

I like it that you evaluated my thoughts for accuracy in your life and decided they are not. Thinking about your share I came up with an idea and that is for your consideration, to consider or not, accept or reject.

You also invited me to reply more, so I accept your invitation. What do you think... is it possible that what is fueling the obsession with the teacher then, is sadness about someone else in your life that you can no longer reach out to, because circumstances are such that he or she is not available anymore, that he or she is closed and not reachable?

Again, for your examination and evaluation...?

atina

Hello atina,

Thanks again for your reply however I don't think that is it either. I haven't lost contact with anyone whom I really care for, like friends or family. Everyone I want in my life is there and for that I'm very grateful.

Yesterday I thought about my situation. I came up with the conclusion that I'm not going to give a damn about it anymore. I'm just done... I'm tired and exhausted about fighting and "trying" to keep control of my life. One thing I learned about HOCD is that OCD sufferers (and maybe all people) should learn to live with the idea that not everything can be under your control and to let go. I decided to do that. I'm not going to fight the thoughts anymore and I'm not going to listen to them either, I'm just going to accept the thoughts and I'm not going to care anymore, whatever happens, happens.

Strangely enough, today I didn't have any of these thoughts. I had class with him, I talked to him and everything went completely normal. No obsessions, no urgencies, no distress, no nothing. I also started to reach out to him a little bit more.

I don't know if I have found a solution to the problem, I hope so. I would like it if things kept going on as today. I'll post if anything changes.

Thank you so much for your opinions and taking your time to think about my case. You are welcome to keep on replying

dear randomguy89:

I like your resolution about the matter, letting go of trying to control, no longer fighting the thoughts on one hand, and not listening to them either. I like your thinking and ... independence of thinking, evaluating, accepting or rejecting. I like that!

When you post on this thread again, I will answer!

anita

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to give an update to this thread. It has been a week since I last posted and I wanted to report my progress so far.

I'm glad to say that, so far so good . I haven't had any distress or ugrencies over the matter. Sure the thoughts keep on coming but since I have decided to ignore them and let go, they don't have any effect on me anymore. It's like if the thoughts lost all of their power the moment I decided to stop caring.

Today I was feeling really sick so I had to skip his class to go home. This was the perfect opportunity for my thoughts to "try" and control me or make me feel bad, but it didn't succeed. Sure, I did want to take his class but I was dying because of the flu, lol. Well, anyway, I'm glad I've had a lot of success and progress during this whole thing.

Anyone reading this post is still welcome to reply

Dear randomguy89:

Thank you for the update!

Good job at ignoring, not caring and letting go of the thoughts! keep as calm as you can, and keep doing what you are doing.

I think your success is a combination of keeping your life circumstances minimally stressful and doing the mental letting go that you have been doing.

A pleasure to read your latest post!

atina

Hello atina,

Thank you for your response! It has been quite a relief to post here about my problems. I had to post this time around since I couldn't find something similar to this, unlike HOCD, which surprisingly a lot of people suffered from it.

I really hope this is the beginning of the end.

Anyway I'll still keep you updated over the matter

Dear randomguy89:

And thank you for replying to me. Take care and keep doing what works!
atina