POCD, help!

-tanja- wrote:Yes, POCD is very upsetting. I often wish that I had another theme which is stupid because if I had TOCD for example I would feel the same way, just with another theme.

I have various obsessions, but this has to be the worst. However, you are not your thoughts and we both have to keep this in mind!

-tanja- wrote:A non-sexual groinal response actually started POCD for me. I know that I was just feeling nervous because I didn't knew how to behave in a certain situation but somehow I automatically thought that it must be sexual because I felt it in my groinal area (which is untrue of course, I get the same feeling when being nervous about a test etc.). But I also got true sexual arousal as a response when testing which makes me feel like my fear is becoming reality.

Good old thought-action-fusion! I'm still working out how to solve that bit of faulty thinking. What amazes me is the fact that other people don't jump to the same conclusions as someone with OCD.

-tanja- wrote:Before POCD I only had one other theme (I never heard anyone else having this, so it's probably uncommon) but as soon as POCD started it left naturally. I always thought POCD would leave after some time but it didn't.

I've had POCD on and off for years and only just twigged in the last year that it was OCD after my cleaning got out of hand too. I went for years thinking I was gay, I didn't love my family, I might become a pedophile etc. All the while feeling so ashamed like I must be a sick deviant and it was only me experiencing it. It's all hand washing and checking the stove in the media, so I often wonder how many people are suffering with it when they don't even realise?

-tanja- wrote:Does anyone else feel like they are responsible for their OCD becoming worse? When POCD started for me I thought it was so stupid and irrational but I still tested which made it become worse. I feel like if I just didn't start testing, didn't start giving it power it wouldn't have gotten bad.

Totally, I feel incredibly guilty, but ultimately it isn't my fault and I didn't choose it. Same with you. Nobody enjoys going through this, but OCD makes you doubt everything. Try and be kind to yourself and let yourself off the hook.

-tanja- wrote:I'm going to see another therapist because health insurance won't cover up therapy at the therapist I saw. I'm feeling nervous about it. Talking about this topic with someone in person makes me feel so uncomfortable and I'm afraid I'll be told that I'm a pedophile.

Sorry for this text I just needed to get this off my chest.

I've just finished some therapy. Being able to finally talk about POCD was a real relief, I was terrified that they'd think I really was one to begin with, but learning about thought-action-fusion has been really useful - and being more compassionate towards myself. I've been working on the confession compulsions in the group too! Don't be afraid, as my psychologist said that these POCD fears are actually quite common (well, you only have to see this forum to know that) and that OCD finds the most scary and inappropriate thing to target. A psychologist would know about this.

Good luck and I hope you find some good therapy soon.

Thank you so, so much for your reply! For some reason it made me feel a lot better.

Yes, it's crazy how you can jump to the worst conclusion possible. And it's also crazy how everything started as a "stupid, irrational fear" and turned into something like this.

My health insurance just called me saying that they made an appointment at a therapist for me (they have special therapists and they only cover up therapy at those therapists because they signed a contract with my health insurance or something like that). She is specialised in OCD and I hope everything will go well.

are you looking for a new therapist?

Hey tanja. A specialised OCD therapist will have heard it all before, so you can tell her about these obsessions without worrying about judgement.

I guess the main fear for me revolves around the fact that I worry about the safety of kids and then get onto worrying about pedophilia and then start wondering why I would be thinking about such a terrible subject and what that could mean? Then I panic; worrying that just the act of thinking about pedophiles could turn me into one and other people might think I'm one and I'll end up in prison. Then comes the ruminations to get to the bottom of the issue, which churns up more intrusive thoughts and doubts.

It's completely ridiculous, because I can't catch pedophilia by worrying about it, but good old 'thought-action-fusion' and another fun thing called emotional reasoning makes it feel as though this could very well be the case.

Maybe look up thought action fusion and emotional reasoning? I say that, although I'm having a massive spike right now.

I'm a little nervous about the appointment. I just hate saying "pedophilia" in relation to myself and of course talking about all of this makes me extremly uncomfortable.

Yes, you can't catch pedophilia like an infection but of course it makes perfect sense to you as you have OCD. I remember that I was obsessing over whether someone uploaded a picture or video from me to the internet. I started remebering situations in which I did embarrassing stuff and then thought that maybe someone took a photo of me whilst doing this embarrassing or stupid thing. I went to Google Images and searched for stuff like "embarrassing girl" to find out whether there was a picture of me. Completely stupid and ridiculous.

I looked up thought action fusion (never heard of it before) and it explains very much!

How are you doing now?

I hate saying the word too!

I was talking to my care coordinator today and he was saying that he's had patients with exactly the same thing. He is very understanding. It's not the kind of thing you can discuss generally, as it's only the most frightening and disgusting topic for most people. My care coordinator is really good, as he said I can always talk issues through with him and hopefully I'll get a handle on it, it might take 6 months, it might take 12. I'm sure your psychologist will be as clued up as he is. I think professionals realise that the nature of these obsessions are particularly terrifying for people.

Glad reading about thought action fusion explained a few things for you.

How are you now?

It's good that your health coordinator is so understanding! I'm sure you'll get a handle on it. Maybe it will take some time but eventually you'll be able to overcome it.

Since yesterday I feel somehow better. It seems like it comes in phases. There are days when this fear even seems ridiculous (although it's still there of course) and when I look at it with hope thinking that I'll overcome this and be happy. Then there are days when I feel like I must be a pedophile and my life is destroyed, that I'm a bad person and will never be happy.

Hi tanja, just wanted to say that talking to you has been a real help and wanted to thank you for the support.

Yes, I have good days and bad days too, good weeks and bad weeks. I've had this for years and have even had quite long spells of it being there, but not really causing problems. Just stuff like rituals to ward off evil such as if I don't complete a certain set of tasks before the kettle boils, I'll get fired from my job etc. I can live with that.

Of course you're nervous about saying the 'P' word in relation to yourself. It makes a link in your mind between you and what you fear and the thought-action-fusion could be making you feel it's more likely to be true if you say the word out loud perhaps? We both know it doesn't work that way though.

You know deep down that you aren't a bad person, you are just being tormented by your obsessions. You can PM any time if you need to chat.

Hello,

the same applies for me. Your replies were very helpful and a real support. And you can PM me whenever you need or want to talk.

Yes, that's it. And I simply don't want to have a link between me and pedophiles. I tried saying, "I'm a pedophile." but I couldn't, I just don't want to say something like that.

Hey guys, I know I'm popping in after a long dialogue but maybe I can offer some food for thought. I have sexual OCD as well but I've never had HOCD or POCD. However I have the same circular thinking patterns and reading various posts on here has helped provide me with some insight.

For example, the so-called "groinal response". I've found that whenever I am thinking of something even tangentially related to see, I can have a groinal response, because the human brain is designed to be referential.

A non OCD example: I used the word 'bizarre' when talking to my friend about something. Then I thought of how much I liked the word bizarre, and remembered it's variant 'bizarro'. Then I thought of Francisco Pizarro, the conquistador who conquered the Inca, and googled him to see if I got his name right... okay so maybe that is an OCD example but it's not sexual.

When you are worried about being aroused by something, you unconsciously reference the feeling of "arousal" and probably feel a twinge of it as a result. And because you have OCD you immediately connect the referential feeling with what you are worried about and lo and behold! We have ourselves an instant pedo.

I only realized this because I have the exact same problem but with other issues (I might make my own post about later).

Thank you very much for your reply!

Yes, I think that the thought "Am I aroused?" is often followed by this arousal-like feeling. I tested whether I can get this feeling out of nowhere without anything POCD related and I could! I also focused on my groin without thinking of anything sexual and of course I felt a sensation.