Struck by yet another flavour of OCD

Hi,

This is my first post in this forum, so hi everyone! [well, this post turned out to be much longer than I planned]

I am writing because I feel like there is no one else that I can talk about the things that have been going on in my head recently. I feel that OCD is affecting my romantic relationship and I feel like there is no hope and that the relationship is doomed.

I have a girlfriend since about half a year. So far it has been great. She is the most loving and caring person that I have met and I love her. Do I? Well, things have been rough in my head recently. I have experienced various flavours of depression and anxiety before. First it was a *normal* depression, in a way that I lost the will to do anything in my life.. Than came the anxiety. I have experienced what I can now call panic attacks here and there in my life. I have been in a something I can call a relationship before - it didn't last long, because I started obsessing: "does she love me? Does she REALLY love me?" At the time it didn't link it to problems with my anxiety. I thought that I just have genuine concerns.. After I got over that I was hit by POCD. I was obsessing about my sexuality. It felt horrible. It was definitely the worst period of my life. I felt like I couldn't enjony anything. But I got past that too with help of medication and therapy.. It was all well. I was doing great. I got a new job which I liked. I met my current girlfriend.. and it started all over again.

This time it feels so bad! I fell in love with her. She is so caring and loving. She is the light of my life. I felt so happy. But then those thoughts started popping up in my head: Am I really aroused by her? Does sex feel that great? Why do I still find other women so attractive? I want to be with her! Not anyone else. First I thought it is natural, yeah, I am a man and evolution shaped me to be a sexual omnivore.. But that didn't felt right. I want to be with my sweetheart. Now I think it sort of spins out of control.. I feel like there is some sort of madonna/whore complex. I love Her but at the same time I keep checking if I am still attracted to her sexually. I can remember the time that sex felt great. It was awesome. But now I just can't enjoy it anymore because of those thoughts. It just pops in my head: hey, remember that girl from facebook? she's hot! Of course it has taken its' toll on sex life.. Now every time we are about to have sex I feel like I have to focus and not get anxious.. which of course gets me anxious. To the point that I experienced erectile problems. of course she instantly noticed it and she felt that I am not attracted to her anymore. As if that wasn't enough. I felt that yes, I want to be with her.. and I reassured her that that's not the case.. But I don't think that in the long run I can keep it that way. I fear that this will ruin our relationship. I haven't talked to anyone about this yet. I am afraid of talking to her, because I am afraid that she will break up with me after I say that I have this anxiety in my head.. I cannot enjoy my relationship because of this obsession anymore.. Is there any hope? Have your relationships survived this sort of trial? Did you talk to your loved ones about the ROCD? This is so bad.. Because for the first time i feel like I can really hurt someone because of my anxiety.

Dear the_royston:

You are obviously troubled by the latest manifestations of your anxiety/ OCD and it is hurting your relationship. If I was you, I would reach out to her for help and support so to help yourself and help the relationship. As long as you take responsibility for your feelings, fears, that is, as long as you don't blame her for what is not her responsibility, then all is fair to share.

she is there when you experience the fears, the doubts, tell her, ask her to help you. She may very likely love you even more for being vulnerable, for needing her help and trusting in her to be able to help you.

atina