HOCD or just gay? Identity crisis

Hey there, first time poster. I have been reading HOCD posts on this forum for months now, but right now they are out of control and I am in desperate need of some help. Any responses will be greatly appreciated.

First and foremost, I feel trapped in my own mind. I am way too analytical, and full of self doubt. Every morning when I wake up, I feel like I'm lost in thought, and it prohibits me from living in the present.

I am an 18 year old male. I have been obsessively confused about my sexuality, on and off since I was about 12 years old. However it has consumed my life for the past 4 months. I have also obsessively worried, and at times convinced myself I am a sociopath, asexual, or that I have aspergers. I underwent a psychological evaluation last week, and was diagnosed with PTSD, which I attribute to a rather unhealthy and unstable childhood. I have not been diagnosed with OCD, but feel as though I suffer from pure-o

I have always been attracted to, or at least drawn to girls since a very young age. I remember when I was about 8 years old, I was unable to comprehend what made boys "attractive" in the eyes of girls, but I knew exactly what I saw in a pretty girl. I had intense crushes on girls beginning in the first grade, and now have a girlfriend of a year and a half that I love wholeheartedly. But I am in a constant battle in my head, looking for things that are wrong with her, convincing myself I do not love her at all, or that I am not attracted to her. When I wake up in the morning, the first thought on my mind is almost always "I'm gay" and I look for evidence to verify and also refute my claim.

My sexuality is confusing and I have no idea what to make of it. Although I have never had a crush on a guy, from early puberty I have been worried I could be gay. I would whisper to myself "I'm gay" and immediatley feel a sense of relief. I have been told by more than one psychologist that I am simply looking for the "easy way out", because I am fearful of being hurt by reality. I have never watched videographic pornography, gay or straight. In recent months I have looked at pornographic pictures of naked women for the first time, and I get so frustrated at myself for not getting an erection. I have also done quick google image searches of gay porn a few times, and did not find any attraction to it, the closest I came to it was thinking, "wow, that guy looks happy." On occasion, I will look at pictures of girls I find attractive, and try to get aroused. But much like when I looked at the porn, I get mad at myself for not being aroused.

I did not masturbate until I was 16 years old, and since then have done so almost daily, at least once a day. However, it is purely to thoughts, almost always related to a paticular sexual obsession, these fantasies involve me and a girl. I actually received a handjob from a girlfriend of mine before I masturbated for the first time, however I was not able to maintain an erection, and was instead comsumed by my thoughts.

My girlfriend now is a very sexual person, and it doesn't take much for me to get initially aroused by her. Just the shape of her body can turn me on, even though after typing that I told myself I am lying to myself, and do not feel any attraction to her. When my girlfriend and I get sexual, I almost always find my mind racing in a million different, non sexual situations, and as per usual in my life, find it incredibly difficult to stay in the present moment. That makes me feel awful inside, because I hate letting her down.

I quit my job, because I found myself constantly looking at everyone around me, both male and female, asking myself if I am attracted to them, checking myself for groinal responses. I couldn't focus on anything but my sexuality. I also avoided watching TV or playing video games, as I didn't want to feel attracted to the male characters.

I have been very open about all of these thoughts or feelings (hard to tell the difference) with the people I am close to. When I told my girlfriend, she just said it was ridiculous, and that she knows better than anyone that I am straight, and if I were gay she would know by now. She told me that my mind tries to psych myself out, and even if I "came out" as gay, she would not believe me. I know that she didn't say this with any malice, or even bias as my girlfriend. She is incredibly bright and honest. But I'm scared that I manipulated her into believing I am straight, or into loving me in general. My twin brother, who knows my mind better than I do, shared a similar opinion, telling me I have been girl crazy since we were very young. However, a lot of things about me seem to fit the "gay" mold:
I have been called feminine by my mother
I have been called "limp wristed", feminine with my hands.
A gay guy told me his "gaydar" went off on me.
As a kid, I don't remember ever going through a typical "Girls are gross/have cooties" phase.

A question I ask myself often is, if I were gay, wouldn't there be a part of me that has a burning desire to be with other men?

I have read on this forum and others that gay people truly want to be gay, and closeted gays are so because they are scared of how others will react to their true feelings. I would like to believe if I were gay, I would have pursued other men by now. But then a part of me wonders if I too also am scared of what others would think. And then when I think that way, I tell myself if I did try to be gay, I would want to be with women immediatley.

I know I'm all over the place in this post, and if you have made it this far in I sincerely thank you. I just want to know, what does this sound like to you? Is this OCD at all? Just symptoms of PTSD that make me try to escape from my true self? Or perhaps, could I be gay?

Hey dude, theres a lot of people in the same boat as you, if thats any constellation. Im sure all the people youve talked to have given you the same advice basically just "relax, youre overthinking" but for people with anxiety disorders that can be nearly impossible. I can relate to you in the sense that my girlfriend is very sexual, and many times i have issues with my mind racing, and staying erect. As for the masturbation and porn stuff, everyone is different, some people use pictures, some people watch videos, some people use fantasy. Your masturbation habits mean nothing about your sexual orientation(aside from if the content itself was gay). There is a problem however, with seeking a pure-o diagnosis, because it isnt an actual professional diagnosis. However, it still is a disorder, but many professionals will use different language to describe the same thing. For example, my official diagnosis is GAD with obsessions and somatic symptom disorder. Im not familiar with PTSD, but perhaps this is a case of different words being used to describe the same thing. As for thinking youre gay cause you "fit the mold", you dont need to worry about mannerisms. Ive been dealing with HOCD for a whilenow and i promise, nothing makes you gay except a genuine sexual attraction to men, and an urge to act on those feelings.

The content itself still doesn't necessarily mean you are either unless its what you started with. Pure-O is a diagnosis, its OCD. The themes are not however.

Youre right jdd, and my therapist has explained that to me, but the reason why my official diagnosis isnt OCD is because the lack of conventional compulsions(according to my therapist anyway, im sure others consider ruminating and checking and reassurance seeking to be valid compulsions). He will however say things like "your OCD" or "thats just OCD talking". So i guess its just a matter of his preference for what gets recorded. I didnt mean to say pure-o isnt a thing, thatd be hypocritical, considering alot of my time here is spent making sure i have it. Either way OP exhibits familiar symptoms but i cant say for sure. I mainly said what i did so he doesnt seek a pure-o diagnosis, because some therapists may not be comfortable with it, as mine isnt.

Well, if they won't diagnose you as OCD but then say those kinds of things how can they be a proper psych?

I think hes just using terms that i understand. It seems that he's acknowledging that i have obsessions, and my fears dont make sense, but at the same time dont fit the compulsive aspect of it like hes used to (or something like that). But at the same time you do raise a good point, and ill ask him why hes doing what he is the next time i see him. But does it seem like i should get a second opinion? or stick with him and not get caught up in the language of it?

HOCD-scared1996 wrote:Ive been dealing with HOCD for a whilenow and i promise, nothing makes you gay except a genuine sexual attraction to men, and an urge to act on those feelings.

I feel like if I have to ask this it's probably because it's a compulsion to ask but what would that even be in terms of gay sexual attraction.

Okay so i might be wrong but your question is basically what is genuine sexual attraction? if thats youre question ill do my best to answer it but im not really and authority on it so take this with a grain of salt. I can tell you a couple things that it isnt(im referring to feelings you might have toward guys, feelings that dont mean youre gay): noticing a person is attractive, wanting to be their friend, wanting to be like them. These are things everyone goes through and it means nothing about your orientation. Im sure youve felt those things, but compare them to feelings youve had for girls. Im sure there has been a girl in your life that youve just thought "wow". you just wanted to be around her, get to know her, spend your time with her, hold her. these are the things that, i think, constitute genuine attraction. If no specific situation from your past has popped into your mind yet, dont worry, its gonna be hard to remember anything that disproves your OCD fears. But im sure you have experienced this. Thats genuine, that means something

Yeah that's what I thought but there aren't a whole lot that actually stand out. Only a few and they've been long gone from visual memory for quite a while now which makes it hard to say for sure they were totally wow. The girl who wanted to just be friends from recently is complicated. I wanted many things with her but yet I'm not sure beyond the fact that I had minor arousal with hugging her if I wanted her. The rejection definitely felt like a loss and made me feel horrible for a while.

Honestly dude, you dont sound gay to me. I feel like maybe me and you share a common issue. Do you not think youre as girl crazy as you should be, like do you not think you have strong enough feelings or something along those lines? If thats the case let me tell ya, there are people out there who are asexual, who have literally no or very little sexual attraction. And its not some crazy disorder, its an orientation. So to me that means that people exist between these two points(Girl crazy and asexual). That was the worst thing i had to come to terms with. Im still battling, and im sure each of us will continue to do so for a period of time just like every other obsessive person. But this obsession will pass.