Ok,here I go...Last year, around March I saw some news about some guy who was a pedophile and there was a video on the news where he was with little girls, nothing explicit obviously but for some reason if made me feel really bad and uncomfortable , the I started feeling guilty because I watched the video and then this popped on my mind "what if im sick because i read about that guy and saw the video?", this lasted for 2 weeks almost and then I kind of forgot it but then I started to have this intrusive thoughts about hurting my family/friends and I was so scared and feeling so sad for no reason at all, but also like with a lot anxiety and like if something bad was about to happen to me, this lasted like a month, I felt so bad and then one day in school I was in class and I felt like I wanted to cry very bad, when the class finished I want running to the bathroom and cried, all this was so much that I have to call my mom, even my friends were really freaked out because they've never seen me like this. When I got home I told my mom that I had this weird intrusive thoughts, and basically told me that they were just thoughts and maybe I had an anxiety attack, after that the thoughts went away and I stared feeling better, but really when I remember that day it was really horrible, I've never felt that scared and sad, I don't really know how to explain it.
One month later,on April, I was on vacations, which last 2 weeks, and before they ended it, again something popped on my mind "what if i am a lesbian?" and I was like "not again
" then went to my Facebook to and tried to forget about it, but I saw a post about some girl who came out in a youtube video, so I saw the video and it started, this feeling of fear of being a lesbian, I said to myself "but you have always loved guys" and yes when I really like a guy I feel the butterflies and I imagine myself with him, cuddling,kissing, etc. BUT here goes the ugly part, I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND OR KISSED A GUY, I've always waited for this guy who would be perfect,and 2 years ago I meet this boy who was so handsome (to me), cute, funny, gentle...he was so good but also he made feel special and I really though we were going to be something but honestly my personality didn't help since I've always acted cold towards people and I think may be he though I was not interested on him...so this thing of not having a boyfriend made worst the fear of me being a lesbian, and also I remember that when I was like 12 I meet a girl, we were friends and we liked the same band and I remember thinking "If she asked me to be something else that friends, I'd say yes", now when I think about that I say: wtf why did I though that? yes we liked the same music band, and she was nice with me but she was like that with everyone, really that makes me feel weird, I still keep in touch with her but I will never date her or something like that, it'd be so awkward, so I think that doesn't really count and I was just a confused teen.So since April, I've been on and off with this obsession of me being a lesbian, I had all these compulsions of watching girls to see if im aroused, doing lesbian tests, I can't watch movies/tv shows where there are lesbians because I get anxious,I over analyze the things I like because "what if that is a lesbian thing?", this has got so bad that sometimes I think "what if a like my friend and thats why I like being with her?", before all this I never thought that about my friends (the ones who are girls) or watched my reactions with girls, I could see movies/shows about homosexual people, I've had lesbians/bisexual friends and I never felt weird or uncomfortable with them, I have nothing against lesbians/bisexuals, to me they are just human beings like any other.
There was a time, before all this, when I used to watch lesbian porn, and I enjoyed it, it wasn't so rough like most of the straight porn, until I knew about soft porn which I found more romantic, but I never had that doubt of being a lesbian, because I was really sure of my sexual orientation, I think it'd be weird if I had a real romantic relationship with a girl, like holding hands, hugging, going out on dates,romantic stuff,it doesn't feel right...to me it could never be like was it with a man, they are tall, strong, they make you feel safe, etc.
So yeah, this has been my life this past year, I have read about hocd so much and thought I had all the symptoms, but right now I am SO TIRED of this that I even think I should just tell my parents that I'm a lesbian but I'm not, it'd be a lie, I don't want to feel like this anymore, but also the fact that I have never had a boyfriend makes everything worst...what is wrong with me? Please help, I can't take this anymore, I'm afraid that I will never love a man or get married, please help.
I know is a very long post and if you read it all, thank you so much, and for taking the time to do it.
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