What Type of OCD Do You Have/My Issues

So, since I've been having issues finding ways to actually communicate with people on here, I'd figure this is an ok way to start.

What are your issues?

And how do they affect you?

For me, it varies. I don't really believe in labels of any kind that much. It's a personal thing. Especially those involving mental ''disorders'' and things seen in a generally negative light.

But, for the sake of convenience, I'd figure I'll make a list of things I went through, and am still going through. I'll ask some questions, and give some tips out if I can.

Here goes:

POCD: Boy, wasn't this a nightmare. This particular sub-variant of OCD I went through last summer. It essentially started with me having a sexual fantasy of someone who appeared way younger than me.(Realistically, they where a grade level lower and not that dispersed age-wise, but my mind didn't focus on the logistics at that time.) I did enjoy it, but it's at that point the question hit me: Am I a Pedophile? and sparing unnecessary details, I fell into a spiral of $#%^ to say the least. I researched endlessly, looked at the Paraphilia section of this site like mad(They're legit ok people tbh), and the like. I listened to music to distract myself a lot. Particularly Foggy-Come Into My Dream. Analyzing why this song and not something else is another story I'm too lazy to tell. Eventually, I reached the absolute boiling point of my stress threshold, and broke down crying and sputtering in front of my parents about the possibility. Luckily, they where immensely understanding. Much more so than I expected and even hoped for. My dad in particular talked to me through my feelings, and low and behold, with me choosing to detach myself from my thoughts, I feel nothing for younger individuals anymore.(Not like I ever truly did, as a 2-year difference essentially means nothing.) My advice is this: DON'T CHECK, DON'T RUMINATE, LET REACTIONS COME AND GO, AND BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF. ALL of which are MUCH harder to actually do than say, this is 100 percent true. But in the end, it's all you can do to realize the truth. And, if it is true, (probably not ) you will simply have an out-of-place attraction. That's it. Society has a tendency to heavily stigmatize a simple concept. There are far more horrid things out there than a baseline attraction. This I know. So overall, that's the goal: Don't let yourself resist thoughts. Accept them, and continue with whatever you have been doing. And add in whatever you think is necessary and affordable on your end. Like therapy, friends, whatever. As long as it helps.

HOCD: Now, this, was tricky. I essentially had this before POCD. It happened in a similar way, with me liking the thought of being in a sexual encounter with another male.(Yes, I'm a guy). But, after applying the same strategy, I've accepted that this is what I'm mainly attracted to. Other males. Although, lately, the attraction has been dwindling. And I still find certain females attractive, and sometimes neither at all. I'm still confused, and it varies often. But my thought patterns really did mimic that of HOCD. But I entirely doubt that it's HOCD if you enjoy the thoughts, and it's homosexuality if you don't. Really, as gut-wrenching as it is, honesty is key. Among other things stated.

T(Trans)OCD: Now this wasn't ever a full on problem. For my entire life I've found myself interested in the things that make up the concepts of ''Male'' and ''Female'' in the mental aspect, minus the physical. If I where to be super technically, I'd either be agender, pangender, or genderfluid. Why I mention the two along with genderfluid, is because I feel those ways most often if not male. But tbh, To me, the physical body and mental ''body'' is just a vessel, and not the ''truest'' and ''purest'' expression of yourself. I'm fine with male pronouns, just for simplicity, but overall I don't care. I did have conflicting thoughts on my gender identity every know and then, but really I like to cash it of as exaggerations and not much else. Likewise, this never fully formed, and doesn't bother me too much.

And, the crulest bitch of them all come the worst I've yet to experience thought wise:

Health-OCD: This. I. Could. Write. An. Effing. Book. On. XD. Much like my thoughts on gender and sex, this has been with me for as long as I could remember. My mother is a doctor, or was at least. And I'd remember at the earliest point hearing of a condition or disease, worrying about it, asking her once I've had enough worries, and dismissing it. It happened that fast, and was an annoying experience. As quick as the ''masks'' changed, and as short and satisfying the answers and the likes were, I still felt terrible dread and anxiety. Later on, it moved to more specific conditions and slowed down, but followed the same pattern. Except the fact that my mom eventually got fed up, and asked me to stop being so paranoid. That's when internet digging came into play, and nothing's changed except for that. In the same timeframe as summer, along with POCD, I had a crippling fear of developing Alzheimer's Dementia in the future. However, $#%^ got weird here. I don't actively recall using any techniques to quell the thoughts to nonexistence, so I have no clue how they stopped showing. Perhaps I accepted my unknowable fate? Got scared enough to stop caring?(It can happen oddly enough). Did I distract myself to the point of forgetting, I don't know, and can't answer. But currently, I'm dealing with the fear of HIV and Epilepsy(Dwindling). The former is due to odd experiences I'll tell of now. And the latter is due to me having something reminiscent of a seizure in class. I haven't gone to the doctor yet, and am trying to work out how to manage all of this overall. If you'd like to know more about that class event, go here:http://www.psychforums.com/living-with-mental-illness/topic172776.html#p1795312 if it even works. It's a separate story, and I'm calmer now, but still fairly spooked. As for the fear of HIV, it began after going over it in a Health elective I'm taking. Essentially, once I've absorbed all of the knowledge, I thought back to my past which I barely remember, and thought of all the ways I could've contracted it unknowingly. I was a reactive kid, so yeah. I posted this elsewhere, so you may have to check my profile to look for it. I'm to lazy to post a second link. But essentially I fabricated a memory of my babysitter molesting me, and me thinking I contracted it when I smelled and possibly licked this guys underwear that I liked.(Long story, I was messed up then). And now, I'm stuck here thinking of having all of these conditions, and am verging on suicide. I know what to do to combat the thoughts, but I can't because these are all physically connected issues. The only thing that will calm me down is an actual test, which I'm considering telling my mom about, and spilling my tar-like purple heart out all over again. Overall, I am a mess. And am really becoming more reclusive, apathetic, and even violent sometimes. But not quite off the edge yet. So, with all of that out of the way, comment away I guess.

I want to start by mentioning that I haven't yet been officially diagnosed with OCD. Having said that, my doctor is pretty sure I have it. However there's always a chance that any of the things I list below are not OCD, in which case I'm sorry.

Here are some of my main themes:

'Just right' OCD- if I touch something with one hand, foot etc I'll feel an urge to touch it with the other. Recently I chased a cat down the road as I stroked it with one hand and it ran off before I had a chance to stroke it with the other hand and it felt wrong. Sometimes if I'm choosing something I'll have trouble with that e.g. If I'm taking a yogurt from the fridge I take one, it feels wrong, I put it back and take another one and so on (and they're all the same yogurt). I also have a numbers related thing, if I see a number ending in 9 on a clock it won't feel right until I see the 1, e.g. If it's 8.19 when I look at the clock I have to look again and again until it gets to 8.21 then I can stop.

Relationship OCD- I'm constantly attracted to women at work and I feel immense guilt because I have a fiancee. I feel so guilty sometimes that I make myself do press ups and sit ups to punish myself- always in sets of 25 and always press ups then sit ups. Sometimes I end up doing over 100 a day. I also once read that couples need to have sex once a week or the relationship is bad so every week I start to panic what if we don't do it? And drive my fiancée mad by continually asking 'when can we have sex?' Half the time I don't feel like it, I just feel we have to do it or we're not in love and we'll break up. And whenever she's upset about something I assume it's my fault and get all panicky and make myself do press ups and sit ups.

Compulsion to confess- I feel like I always have to tell people what's going on in my life. If someone asks how I am, I can't say I'm fine, I have to tell them all about the OCD etc and get their reassurance. I tell loads of people who I fancy at work because I want them to tell me it's ok to fancy other people. If anyone mentions sometime I fancy I feel the compulsion to blurt out 'they're hot!' I even tell my fiancée and that leads to problems. I also want to reveal things other people have told me in confidence. If a friend tells me he's got a new job and someone else mentions him I want to say 'he's got a new job!'

Obsession with what's wrong with me- I became obsessed for a while with having a personality disorder and kept googling stuff and continually texting my friend saying 'here's another symptom I have!' I paid to get access to my medical notes because I wanted 'evidence' (found instead a doctor mentioning I had OCD symptoms!) I'll get confused as I'll feel the need to know exactly what is causing a particular symptom. e.g. I need attention. Is that OCD? Is that BPD? Is that HPD? It drives me mad not knowing.

Doubt of OCD- ironically one of my worst symptoms. Every few days I'll think 'maybe I don't have OCD!' Then I'll feel really anxious and Google loss of stuff, getting more and more panicky when I find symptoms I don't have or if I have a symptom that I can't find connected with OCD online. I'll continually ask people 'do you think I have OCD?' Even when my doctor said he thought I had it, I started to think later 'what if he's wrong? What if I misled him? What if I'm faking it?'

Eating disorder- I'm aware this is not OCD as such, but I had one when a teenager and I believe now that it stemmed from OCD. It stated because I read that people were becoming fatter. I started to panic 'what if I get fat?' And restricted my eating to a certain number of grams of fat. Im mostly over it now but I still get guilt if I eat cake or chocolate or anything. If i eat cake and then there's cake at work the next day it's a battle to eat it again because I'm paranoid I'll get fat (I should point out I'm almost underweight so it's not based on reality). Usually I'll eat it anyway then I'm back to doing the press ups and sit ups out of guilt.

Insomnia- I had this for years because I started to panic that I wouldn't sleep and of course that kept me awake. Even now I fear it and before a big day (a holiday or a presentation at work or something) I'll worry what if I don't sleep? And the panic keeps me awake. If I hear a noise I'll obsess that it will keep me awake. If I have to get up early one day I'll worry I won't get enough sleep and that means I won't because the worry keeps me awake.

Lists- I can't live without lists. I make a to do list every day which even includes 'shower'. At the weekend if we're out I'll panic I won't get through my list and nag my financee to let us go home so I can start on it. I have things on the list like writing (I must do half an hour) and juggling (I must do 15 mins). These are things I should enjoy but I don't because I'm panicking about getting them done and ticked off the list. If I don't do them I feel guilty and once I have I feel relieved.

I think those are the main things, I'd be interested to see if any of this is familiar to other people (and if not I'll probably panic that I don't have OCD!

-- Thu Dec 17, 2015 8:38 am --

Forgot to add that often my mind will try and convince me I fancy someone who I'm sure I don't.

-- Thu Dec 17, 2015 8:45 am --

Also forgot to add that I clearly have some kind of tic disorder, which I know is connected with OCD. And that I keep thinking I need to go back to the doctor to read my notes (I only read the letters last time) in case I've missed any 'evidence'.

And yes, these continual posts 'I forgot this, I forgot that' may be signs of OCD themselves. I'll try and stop here.

Yeah, compared to me, you seem to have much more on your plate than I have ever had :/ but I can relate to some of those things.

I used to make lists like crazy based on my interests and stuff. At one point, it got so bad I listed what my ''favorite'' specie of ant was. It was based on favoritism, and eventually I just got annoyed with myself and resisted the urge to list things.

I distracted myself with something else, like music, and it ended. I don't know if it'll work for you, but it may be worth a shot. I personally doubt it.

There are some areas that are not so severe like you said. Like the food-based obsessions. But others, like the one with ''Just Rightness'' is better solved with a therapist or professional.

I kinda just willed a majority of my issues away, I guess that means I never had any too severe enough to stick through.

If you need or want to talk about anything, message me somehow. I'm around most days and will be a bit more often since winter break is coming in a day for me.

Personally, if it really bugs you, I'd go for the smaller, less intrusive issues first. I dealt with those alone, and it shouldn't be too hard.

Thank you for your advice. I always ask at this point 'do my symptoms sound like OCD?' But I'm guessing from your response that at least some of them do.

No problem. And really, if there's something bugging you in your head and you have an urge to do something to relive it, and it comes back after a short while, it's technically OCD. But in my opinion I'd only say so if it were really severe in some way.

Like I said, my issues involve hypochondriac thoughts most of the time. Those are different because this world has the capacity to let you know if anything is physically wrong with you, so it's that anxiety of never getting checked for something that bugs me.

I really don't feel comfortable talking about this to anyone in person if I'm honest. But I feel like I'm running out of options, and would have to tell my mom eventually.

Any thoughts or tips you can give me? Is it even worth it? given how dumb the actual fear sounds out loud?

Also, why is there such a lack of contact in certain areas of this forum? this area being one of them.

It gets annoying.

And I'm kinda considering leaving once I ask a mod to change my name.

Deactivate.

And go.

But yeah.

Health OCD first, then self-harm OCD, then TOCD... All of them were horrible.
I'm really scared I'm trans.

I have had dozens of serious "themes" of obsession, and hundreds or less serious obsessions.

I have had thousands of compulsions, running from the most simple (wasting 15 minutes), to serious compulsions that took 6 hours to completes.

If I counted up all the time I have wasted on OCD, I would say it burned away 5 years of my life. I am not talking about having it for 5 years (I have had it for 31years), I mean literally using up five years of my life total, doing noting but being paralyzed by this disorder.

I should briefly mention that OCD is OCD.. there aren't necessarily types. Yes, themes can change. I wish I knew my intrusive thoughts weren't true. I hope and pray they are just thoughts. Haha, but how would I know??

0_Unknown_0 wrote:No problem. And really, if there's something bugging you in your head and you have an urge to do something to relive it, and it comes back after a short while, it's technically OCD. But in my opinion I'd only say so if it were really severe in some way.

Like I said, my issues involve hypochondriac thoughts most of the time. Those are different because this world has the capacity to let you know if anything is physically wrong with you, so it's that anxiety of never getting checked for something that bugs me.

I really don't feel comfortable talking about this to anyone in person if I'm honest. But I feel like I'm running out of options, and would have to tell my mom eventually.

Any thoughts or tips you can give me? Is it even worth it? given how dumb the actual fear sounds out loud?

Also, why is there such a lack of contact in certain areas of this forum? this area being one of them.

It gets annoying.

And I'm kinda considering leaving once I ask a mod to change my name.

Deactivate.

And go.

But yeah.

Not sure I am qualified to give you advice as I'm only just figuring stuff out myself and waiting for a referral. Happy to share tips once I get help.

What aren't you comfortable about talking about? OCD in general? If so we differ as you can't shut me up about it. Do you have someone who you could confide in?

Also, what do you mean a lack on contact on certain areas? Not sure what you mean although I do find I don't always get replies, if that's what you mean? Usually I do though and they are helpful.

PM me if you want. I don't mind. I like talking to people.

kah80 wrote:

0_Unknown_0 wrote:No problem. And really, if there's something bugging you in your head and you have an urge to do something to relive it, and it comes back after a short while, it's technically OCD. But in my opinion I'd only say so if it were really severe in some way.

Like I said, my issues involve hypochondriac thoughts most of the time. Those are different because this world has the capacity to let you know if anything is physically wrong with you, so it's that anxiety of never getting checked for something that bugs me.

I really don't feel comfortable talking about this to anyone in person if I'm honest. But I feel like I'm running out of options, and would have to tell my mom eventually.

Any thoughts or tips you can give me? Is it even worth it? given how dumb the actual fear sounds out loud?

Also, why is there such a lack of contact in certain areas of this forum? this area being one of them.

It gets annoying.

And I'm kinda considering leaving once I ask a mod to change my name.

Deactivate.

And go.

But yeah.

Not sure I am qualified to give you advice as I'm only just figuring stuff out myself and waiting for a referral. Happy to share tips once I get help.

What aren't you comfortable about talking about? OCD in general? If so we differ as you can't shut me up about it. Do you have someone who you could confide in?

Also, what do you mean a lack on contact on certain areas? Not sure what you mean although I do find I don't always get replies, if that's what you mean? Usually I do though and they are helpful.

PM me if you want. I don't mind. I like talking to people.

Thanks, but I'm ok for now. If anything pops up, I'll contact ya. Let me know on your progress if ya feel like it. Right now, OCD is all just thoughts and nothing else. So yeah, no amount of talk will confirm my lack of HIV XD. I'll wait it out until my scenario is financially stable and junk. Because this is bad enough to effect my relationships. Once the concept of ''dating'' really gets in I'll tell my mom. And yeah. Anyway, good luck with the treatment!