Any opinions? HOCD

Okay guys so ive been struggling with HOCD for a little over a month now. But the thing is, I've kind of become too scared to mentally test myself. I still do it, but thinking about doing it gives me anxiety.

Overall, I haven't been as anxious, more so depressed. I have been practicing relaxation techniques, and mindfulness. But i dont really feel better. The idea of even testing myself to gay porn scares me and gives me a shot of anxiety, as does thinking about trying anything gay in real life. The thing that scares me is that this seems more and more to be denial rather than HOCD. I've been getting intrusive thoughts while with my girlfriend, Like when i kiss her i get an image in my head that its a guy, and i pull away. But the thing is im aroused. So i dont know if this is due to the fact that an image of a guy popped up or not. And then on top of that realizing that i had to pull away from my girlfriend feeds the anxiety more cause i think what if its cause im not attracted to her. I know before all of this the image of a dude never came into my head while i was with her, but i worry that this is just one of those epiphanies or awakenings ive read about on EmptyClosets(I dont recommend anyone go there, spikes left and right). The more i read coming out stories and the likes, the more the lines between what im feeling and what gay people felt get blurred. I still dont want to be gay, and i dont think im genuinely attracted to guys but i feel trapped like I dont have any other choice at this point. Ill have the occasional gay dream, and when i wake up i feel like theres a brick in my stomach, but i dont know what the dreams mean.

All together, im just really confused, sad, and anxious. I know i come here all the time looking for reassurance, which is bad, but i feel like im not myself anymore. Any, and i mean any, input is appreciated. Thanks for reading guys, and have a great day.

I think this is all normal...these are the most common symptoms that people show. As for the being scared of the mental testing, I get that too. I really hate it because I don't want to test myself at all and scares me to death but it seems although I have no control. Are you getting help?

Okay thank you, I always appreciate getting as much input as possible. But yeah im going to a therapist but im thinking of switching to a psych cause that seems what everyone recommends. I know it sounds bad to say, but im glad to hear that someone is going through similar things