Afraid of being a pedophile, help

This is gonna be a long post and since I'm from Switzerland, I might have my flaws in terms of English.
- I am 17 (in February 18)

But now to my problem:

I'm really scared that I'm a pedophile or might become one.

It all started a year ago when I and a friend were playing outside and his little sister (11 at that time) was outside aswell and wearing hotpants (for whatever reason). For a second I looked at her.. well, you know, butt, and immediately got scared. As soon as I got home, I was sitting in my dark room and kind of "testing" myself, having sexual thoughts to convince myself that I'm not interested.

And now, a year later, these thoughts still won't go away. There are times where I'm totally sure that I'm not a pedophile and then there are times where I, for example, see a pretty girl (maybe at the of 12 or 13) and find her face extremely pretty, then get stressed out again and start to imagine things to check whether I'm attracted to her or not.

If it helps in any way, I masturbate often, or at least once a day, to adult porn. There is no way I'm not attracted to women my age or older. I definitely am, always was and probably always be. And not long ago I fell in love with a girl my age (well, a few months older than me) but that started to fade away after a while.

But then something like what happenend not even an hour ago, happens:

After a big "study-session" I was going through the whatsapp pictures of my friends, to see if they got any new ones (I don't know why I do this, somehow I find it entertaining) and found a picture of a good friend of mine with a kid (age about 11 I guess) in a bikini jumping into the water.

Again, the "checking", or "testing" began.

At one point I got kind of a half-boner (hope you know what I mean) but then again I found it completely unattractive and the boner went away. So I started to look at some pictures of women in a bikini to check but had a hard time getting a boner, probably because I was under stress. Anyway, it worked after a while and then I switched back to the girl picture and the boner immidiately went away.

How am I supposed to tell if I'm attracted or not?!

First it works and from one second to another it doesn't anymore.
And to say this: I never had any interest in children but this really confuses me because I can't definitely tell whether I'm attracted or not, since I once got a feeling of being attracted and then again the feeling of being not.
And I don't find an undelevoped body attractive, but still. It scares me.


I just wanna post this and get an answer as soon as possible, so sorry if I made any mistakes here and there.

Thanks in advance

Hello.

I don't think you are a pedophile. Have you ever heard of groinal responses? I posted a similar question on here and I was told about them. Maybe this will help http://ocdlife.ca/groinal-response-the- ... bsessions/ I was also told that anxiety can do anything to the body, so a groinal response is not proof of paedophilia.

I am sorry for not giving so much information. I don't have that much knowledge about it. I hope I helped you anyway.

Very helpful for HOCD too. Though mine are pretty bad albeit not usually a full erection, but still bad and scary in other ways none-the-less.

willyhornd wrote:This is gonna be a long post and since I'm from Switzerland, I might have my flaws in terms of English.
- I am 17 (in February 18)

But now to my problem:

I'm really scared that I'm a pedophile or might become one.

It all started a year ago when I and a friend were playing outside and his little sister (11 at that time) was outside aswell and wearing hotpants (for whatever reason). For a second I looked at her.. well, you know, butt, and immediately got scared. As soon as I got home, I was sitting in my dark room and kind of "testing" myself, having sexual thoughts to convince myself that I'm not interested.

And now, a year later, these thoughts still won't go away. There are times where I'm totally sure that I'm not a pedophile and then there are times where I, for example, see a pretty girl (maybe at the of 12 or 13) and find her face extremely pretty, then get stressed out again and start to imagine things to check whether I'm attracted to her or not.

If it helps in any way, I masturbate often, or at least once a day, to adult porn. There is no way I'm not attracted to women my age or older. I definitely am, always was and probably always be. And not long ago I fell in love with a girl my age (well, a few months older than me) but that started to fade away after a while.

But then something like what happenend not even an hour ago, happens:

After a big "study-session" I was going through the whatsapp pictures of my friends, to see if they got any new ones (I don't know why I do this, somehow I find it entertaining) and found a picture of a good friend of mine with a kid (age about 11 I guess) in a bikini jumping into the water.

Again, the "checking", or "testing" began.

At one point I got kind of a half-boner (hope you know what I mean) but then again I found it completely unattractive and the boner went away. So I started to look at some pictures of women in a bikini to check but had a hard time getting a boner, probably because I was under stress. Anyway, it worked after a while and then I switched back to the girl picture and the boner immidiately went away.

How am I supposed to tell if I'm attracted or not?!

First it works and from one second to another it doesn't anymore.
And to say this: I never had any interest in children but this really confuses me because I can't definitely tell whether I'm attracted or not, since I once got a feeling of being attracted and then again the feeling of being not.
And I don't find an undelevoped body attractive, but still. It scares me.


I just wanna post this and get an answer as soon as possible, so sorry if I made any mistakes here and there.

Thanks in advance

It's amazing how using modern technology everyday can make you see stuff you don't want to! I have had that happen on countless occasions myself. The "testing", anxiety, and "incidents" all point towards OCD.

Also regarding your scenario of seeing your friends sister wearing "hot pants" which are typically adult/teen clothing. And therefore shouldn't be worn by non adults/teens is confusing to see a child in clothing typically associated with someone wearing them to look sexy.

What you need to distract yourself from is "checking" or "testing" as it can lead to madness. It is very easy for the OCD to resurface and get a grip on you through that.

Wait for your OCD to calm down and look at things from a rational perspective. Go and live your life in your normal routine to try and forget about the OCD and keep the OCD as small as possible.

I think that's all I have to say. Maybe unless it affects your career path you would benefit from seeking professional help if it gets worse.