Doubting HOCD

Hey guys its been about a month now of "HOCD" and i don't know whats happening to me now. I started seeing a counselor and I've only had two sessions but he said to him it sounds like i have GAD and obsessions, along with somatic symptom disorder(not just HOCD, ive done this about schizophrenia, types of cancer, mono, cystic fibrosis,being punished by god, my mom dying. but the HOCD is the most severe ive ever had). Which stressed me out at first but I was told that this is simply saying i have HOCD just phrased differently.

Anyways, more recently i started to feel like im just lying to myself and using HOCD as a cover up from facing the truth. I've done what all HOCD suffers do(testing to porn, trying to imagine homosexual acts and gauging my reaction, checking if im attracted to almost every guy i see) but lately my mind is telling me i do these things cause its what ive read HOCD suffers do and that im not a real HOCD sufferer. The gay thoughts have begun to cause me less anxiety but when i think about that my anxiety spikes and it feels like im just accepting being gay. I have a girlfreind like i mentioned in my last post and lets just say its been a pretty stressful relationship from time to time. I felt as though i genuinely loved her but our sex life has been weird.

Our first time having sex i had erection issues(though i always thought it was performance anxiety) and the issue has persisted for a long time(for a period of a few months she was emotionally abusive, and made me feel like there was something wrong with me because of our sex life). Though sex was an issue we would do oral and i never seemed to have a problem with that and really enjoyed doing it(giving and receiving). Looking back I always had crushes on girls but since this all started ive been evaluating if they actually were or not, and on top of that i wonder if i secretly had crushes on guys and just masked it as thinking they were cool and wanting to be like them. My mind has been a complete mess and i dont know what to make of anything anymore. Some insight would be great. I still dont want to be gay, and thoughts of it still make me cringe, but the reduced anxiety makes me think its "growing on me" or something and that its just a matter of time before i accept it. Any input is appreciated guys thanks a ton

P.S. sorry for the jumbled thoughts and being all over the place

Oh yeah and by the way, sorry if i got a little graphic for some people, i tried to tone it down as much as possible and didnt mean to offend anyone

Hey don't worry everything is fine. I am suffering from it as well, but I have had it for almost 5 months now. I know how it is looking back through memories , although I would not recommend it because OCD misinterprets everything. Just one thing to keep in mind is NO MATTER WHAT IT TELLS YOU DONT BELIEVE IT.

Thanks i know. And im trying to keep calm but every time a new part of this comes about i never know if its normal and i get really scared and feel like im losing myself.

Thanks i know. And im trying to keep calm but every time a new part of this comes about i never know if its normal and i get really scared and feel like im losing myself.

Hey I know how you feel because I am at the point where I don't know what is what...it's really scary but it will be over soon, if other people have done it, we can too!

It doesn't help me that I have seen others get over it but I haven't been able to thus far fueling doubt.

jdd wrote:It doesn't help me that I have seen others get over it but I haven't been able to thus far fueling doubt.

That's kinda where i'm at. it also worries me that i seem to be going through stages a lot faster than some people. this has only been an issue with me for about a month and so many people say they've had it for months or years. I just cant shake the feeling that im repressed or in denial. Looking things up doesnt help nearly as much anymore. I dont know what to think anymore. Only my schizophrenia obesseion has lasted this long and at least with that one i was able to shake it from time to time i dont feel like i can do that with the whole gay thing

Yeah, I'm one of those who may have had this for like the whole year so far.

Do you know if duration of time has anything to do with the legitimacy of it? Or like the speed with which it progresses(the reduced anxiety of thoughts, feeling gay etc.). Honestly im just looking for any new insight possible cause i keep reading the same things over and over again and they dont put me at ease as much as they used to, which also scares me.

Honesty is appreciated though guys, if anyone has any insight say whatever it is even if you think it might upset me, i feel i just need answers.