This anxiety about being trans is killing me. Help!

I've posted on here before, but today I'm having a really bad day. I saw my therapist this morning and she confirmed that I have OCD, but after I left the session and she had told me she was getting married my anxiety about being trans got so much worse.
I have never really been in love. Maybe had two or three crushes - two on women, one on a man. I am a 26-year-old female and have presented as female all my life, except that I used to be a tomboy until I was 11ish.
I grew up without a father and my mom had a misogynist and sexually disturbed boyfriend. I was always very cautious and shy about relationships. I never really had long relationships with men. And not with a woman either.

Men do find me attractive and I have quite a few chasing me but as soon as I feel smothered I escape and I've always had this image in my head of finding the one, having kids, etc.

Something that really bothers me is the fact that - because online you can fall in love more easily - I pretended to be a man online for several years and talked to girls and even had some "online relationships" which lasted longer (please please don't think I'm a lunatic. I feel so extremely guilty for it that I feel like I can't ever get over it. I don't do it anymore. My therapist said I had no idea how many people do it and it was often just out of curiosity)
Anyway, because I've been struggling with GAD for over a year now and have developed self-harm OCD in July, I started to wonder why I might have anxiety (two months ago). All of a sudden the guilt of posing as a man online and talk to women and get romantically involved with them created this unbearable thought. It happened overnight. I was lying in bed thinking why I feel this way. My self-harm OCD disappeared and all of a sudden I thought: "OMG I'm trans!"
From there on, everything got even worse. I started checking my body, googled like crazy, imagined myself as a guy, came out to my family, but I DONT want to be trans or a man. But I'm convinced sometimes that the fact that I posed as a man online cannot mean anything but this.
I look in the mirror and think I don't look feminine enough. I watch my mannerisms. I'm scared of people identifying me as male. I just want to feel like a normal
Woman. Why I did the online thing I never even thought I was trans. Even though I knew what it was and I had trans friends as well. Now it's hell for me.

Another thing is that I believe I'm so insecure around women and men in real life that I can't picture myself with them. At least not with a woman. I'm scared of never finding a man I can fall for and feel comfortable in my own body. I always did, but I always hid behind this online thing while still wanting to be a girl in real life. I'm scared shitless now that this means I'm trans. I think "if I were a guy Id probably fall in love more easily because I'd be more comfortable" but this might be because I don't know what love is in real life. Online you can believe you fall for someone, idolize them and be head over heels within a matter of days. I know that's not realistic.

I want to stay a woman and I'm so scared that I'll never be able to find a man or a woman I can give myself to in real life because of what I've done. It's killing me. But in all other aspects of life I don't want to be a man. I always wanted to get pregnant and get married to a guy, but I feel I'm unworthy of it now and that I'm not a real woman.

PS: when I pretended to be a man online I used the pictures of the only guy I had a crush on from day one I saw him. I don't know if that's important to say.

I know I'm bisexual, but I have a hard time imagining myself with a woman as a woman myself. Do you think that's normal? Or am I trans? Which I don't want to be. I have the typical obsessions and compulsions. The thought accompanies me 24/7. The gender therapist said I wasn't trans as I wouldn't be scared of being trans if I was.


Please... Can anyone help me and tell me whether I'm a crazy lunatic shemale or whatnot..
I'm so scared of not knowing my sexual identity and that this ultimately means I'm trans. It's the worst thought I've ever had.

Hey Lisa, after reading what you have posted i think i can explain to you what your problem is, 1 thing that ive learnt in general is that anxiety does, i believe happen for a reason and/or is related to a problem deep down or something obvious, something you need to do at first is realize that people make certain mistakes in life but the point is not to dwell on those mistakes, you learn from them, being online and pretending to be somebody your not dosnt make you a terrible person, not just because online anybody can be anybody but because of your reasons.

From what i see it looks like your generally obsessing over the fact of what sexuality you are, and what bothered you about your therapist getting married was your fear based that you wont find love because of your unnecessary guilt from the online chats and possibly your sexuality. OCD makes you obsessive over things, your being really hard on your self when u don't need to be, which is a classic sign of depression. A person who is depressed dosnt always recognize it, because they are constantly putting themselves down and seeing themselves as somebody hopeless. Your sexuality speaks for itself to whom you get attracted to. For example a lot of people with OCD obsess and fear over the fact they might be gay, ocd latches onto your emotions and uses your emotional part of your mind but then blinding you of your logical, what i mean is, they can think they are gay, and might feel that they are, but if they see a woman and get attracted to the woman, but are not attracted to men therefore speaks for itself - they arnt gay.

Your are questioning certain things being normal or not because your obsessing and getting anxious over certain things, a person that thinks they are a lunatic or crazy arnt because somebody that is, dosnt recognize it.

Hey... Thanks for your response. It's very true. I'm concerned I'll never find love and that I messed up my life because of what I did online. It's not that I regret it per se, but I don't want to be trans and I'm scared I'll never find someone if I don't turn into a man, but I want to stay a woman. I always had dreams of being a mom and getting married to a man, but getting to know someone requires you to open up to someone and I found it easier to just hide behind the guys face that I liked. This guy I would do anything for and I would be with, but now I'm so insecure and don't feel like a complete woman anymore and feel I don't deserve it.

I'm not very depressed actually. I do know that my anxiety is fairly new, though I do tend to worry and catastrophize and I've always been cautious, would never engage in something morally despicable or something dangerous. My mom already raised me this way. So I have a pre disposition and then stress and hypochondria happened as well.

I had self harm OCD before and then I started to wonder why I have anxiety and within seconds I thought: OMG ITS BECAUSE IM TRANS!
-.-

All that did was spike me like crazy because I cannot tell anymore.

What spiked it more? :O

mrme's post.

Actually, mrme, so what's your conclusion? OCD? Or trans or what? :/ I'm so confused.

Now I just read about autoandrophilia... And it freaks me the eff out. im thinking what if I can't ever be sexually happy and in a relationship and will be close to asexual as myself, as a woman, but will only be able to enjoy sex with a woman if I'm a man? Because that's what I kind of did when I impersonated the guy I liked online. But as myself, I can only see myself with a man, but I would still be shy and not as outgoing in bed. Does that make me trans now? I'm so so confused. I'm scared that I will only be happy again if I become a man and that I'm just in denial and won't ever be able to have a healthy relationship and a fulfilled love life. It sucks so bad... Please help..

What exactly do you fear about being trans? Also your getting anxious and reading up on certain conditions that you fear, its funny because ive been through that phase before so i understand how you feel, but no there is nothing wrong with you.

If my post previously triggered OCD in some form i do apologize but being online you are vulnerable to obsessive things, so you should be cautious to what you read up.

What I fear about being trans? I don't know anymore. My anxiety is overwhelmingly bad and I read up more stuff on autoandrophilia and it freaked me out. I'm scared I can't be happy anymore, which is probably BS, because my identity is not just made up of sexual identity. The gender therapist said that if my self-esteem is better I won't ask myself this question anymore.
Well, what scares me about being trans. I don't want to be. I want to be my old self and feel comfortable, I want to stop checking if I look too manly or if people perceive me as male. I don't want to dress, present, act, work as a man. I always found myself attractive somewhat and never had gender dysphoria... I just want this feeling and these thoughts that I could be to go away.