HOCD? I'm at wits end with this...I can't talk it anymore.

I need help. Really bad. I'm very depressed right now, on the verge of tears. I want this all to end.

So...to start off I'm 20. I am in a relationship with a man for 3 years now, and I have been in love since.

My childhood is where all of the anxiety is coming from. At age 5 I kissed a girl, but it was a game to me. At age 11 I was introduced to the Internet, and I did watch a lot of lesbian sex, girls kissing, ect. And I did get off to it. But...even though I did all of that I was still interested in guys. I loved to write stories when I was younger, and it was always about a boy and girl falling in love. I always told myself I wanted a boyfriend and I couldn't wait to be 16 so I can drive and go to the mall with my friends. I was introduced to a website that you could chat on, keep in mind, I'm still young. I didn't have friends in middle school so I was on the computer a lot. I never used my own idenity, I was always someone else, posed as different people, boy and girl. That's when I heard about online dating, and people dated others on there. Which means...I "dated" people and that means I "dated" Girls when I posed as a guy as well as boys when I was being me. The relationships didn't last long obviously, I felt like I did it because I was bored. I don't like going into detail about it because now since I'm older, I wish I wouldn't have done that. It's embarassing. I told my boyfriend about it and he thinks it's just funny and I worried about telling him, but he thought it was whatever.

after I quit going on that site, since I was a freshmen in high school, I have dated guys. I have had romantic feelings for boys, I also was sexually attracted to boys. My relationship with my boyfriend currently was great in the beginning. Hell, the first month of dating him we went to gay pride together with a friend and it was fun, but I just wanted to go home to be with my bf. I never questioned myself. I felt pretty normal. I am a normal girl. I just think I was influenced by the website a lot since it was the norm to do it on there. My past never effected me until now.

I have been diagnosed with ocd and my life has been hell. Everything is a trigger, and I can't deal with it anymore. I was watching a make up tutorial, and this is when my hocd went off the charts. My mind always has to obsess about something, and now it's like I wanna be with girls. I wanna date them and dump my boyfriend whom I've been c omitted to for so long and plan on moving in together and being together forever. For as long as I can remember, I have been emotionally attracted to guys but my mind wonders back to my childhood, supporting what I did. Like I did love the girls I "dated" on the website. I break down in tears sometimes when I think about this. I have went so long without thinking about my past, that it is effecting me and I wanna stop thinking. I just wanna love my boyfriend again.

What's going on with me? Someone help...my case is very unique and so strange I know. I need help. I've confessed about this last year and got over it, but I just got over rocd and I was obsessing for 10 months straight and I can't go through that again. I talked with my mom about this and what I did online but I cried, she understood and told me I'm not gay and I got over it fast. But this time, I can't get over it. No matter what I tell myself. It's my childhood that's keeping me from moving on.

I'm embarassed for even posting this, I don't want people to think I'm weird. I was just a kid with a computer at a young age. And I regret ever getting one, and I'm happy my parents took mine away from me when I got into high school. I wanna be my normal straight self again.

I look up different types of sexuality, thinking ok I'm straight and just sexually attracted to girls but then that made me uncomfortable. I don't want nothing to do with girls. Emotionally or sexually, I just wanna be with my boyfriend and have no worries anymore. I spike when I write this. I'm so annoyed right now. Someone help me.

First: Sorry you're going through this awful disorder too.

If you say you're straight. You are. You don't have to do anything you do not want to do even if you did have a small amount of attraction to same sex in you. Nobody can make you do anything, and it won't stop you from being with the person you love.

I completely understand what you're going through. I, myself, am dealing with this exact same form of OCD. I have been dealing with it for about 6 months now, and have had other OCD obsessions in the past. I too have always liked guys since I was young (I'm a girl). I always had my little crushes, I had 3 boyfriends, including the one I am currently with. I just have always dreamt of getting married to the man of my dreams and having a family. Also, I too have had a fair share of watching porn. I have watched all kinds of porn including lesbian and have gotten off to it. But never once did I ever desire or even think of being with/dating girls whatsoever. I just always wanted to be with men and always felt comfortable around guys. It was just natural to me. Now with all this HOCD, it has felt like hell on earth. I remember clearly when it all hit me with a simple thought in my room saying "what if I'm gay?" and from there it all spiraled out of control. I have been suffering with this for going on half a year and lately it has been feeling a lot more convincing to me. When it all first began, I was super upset, always crying, felt sick to my stomach by the thoughts, there was now way that I could ever see myself with a women, etc. Now it feels like I almost like the thoughts and it has literally been so convincing where I feel like a lesbian/bi and it has been so stressful. It feels like I enjoy these thoughts, and almost desire/ want to be but then right after I feel a strong wave of anxiety afterwards. It's so confusing! It's like how could I have been straight my whole life (or at least I hope I was) and then suddenly start having these feelings that feel so real? I also have never had anything against anybody of the LGBT nor does my family. I have friends that are gay that I'm really close to also. I just never thought I would be questioning if I'm gay or not. I just surely hope it's my OCD playing these tricks on me because I feel it would be heartbreaking to think I thought I was straight for going on 16 years of my life, and then it turned out I was actually gay? I just really hope that is not the case. I just wanted to share some of what I'm going through to let you know you're not alone.

Oh I understand both completely. Its just frustrating beyond reason. I feel like I've switched or something and I'm 10 years older than you . But yet I hugged the girl twice earlier and got at least half way going if not more for a bit. But I feel like its overshadowed by noticing and groinals (are they really even groinals at this point?). I'm gonna be hating sleep tonight.

Well, I'm sorry you have to go through it. OCD is one crazy beast.
If you think you are straight, you are straight, like previously posted. I've personally never had gay thoughts, or suffered what you are going through, but honestly, I think if you were gay, like honestly gay/bisexual, you wouldn't feel such guilt about it or such internal conflict. Perhaps the OCD is attacking your current relationship for feeling guilty about fantasizing about someone else, other than your current man. But the one thing you have to remember is: If you were diagnosed with OCD, then when you have a conflicting obsession, it's pretty likely the OCD talking, and not you. I treat it like half my brain is doing battle with the logical half.

Plus, if you were bisexual, would it really be that bad? Hell, maybe I'm secretly gay and just haven't seen a penis I liked yet!