Body OCD and now TOCD ?

I guess my story starts like this. I am a gay male who's always struggled to reach perfection. Around age 14 I was obese and very insecure and I obsessed over my body image. Fast forward to my current age I since then lost about 60 pounds but I still struggle with my body image because I thought after loosing weight that by now I would have this toned amazing model-esque male body. Around May of my junior year in high school (this year) I became extremely tired and stressed out due to my academics and extra curricular activities. After school I started a Job in June that I quit within a week because of my exhaustion and depression. Then in July of this year my body image issues reached it's peak (weighing my self 3 times a day and taking measurements once a day) by pushing myself too far. I started looking into plastic surgery to get rid of fat from my stomach and chest area. As we all know the internet can be a dangerous place and I was obsessed with looking at these surgeries. Then about two days later I convinced myself that I was crazy and that I needed to workout even more to the point where I was doing cardio for over an hour with barely any food in my system. After me crashing I ran across videos about people who were trans and instantly I came into question about my gender identity. It really scared me and caused me to become increasing anxious and depressed. I kept thinking about it and I couldn't control it. I went on the internet to see if I related to these people and honestly I couldn't relate, which made me even more anxious.I got so depressed (no suicidal thoughts) that I was admitted into a mental hospital for about a day,within that day I decided that maybe if I came out to my mom I would feel more like myself. It was a quick moment of relief to tell my mom that I was gay (which she responded with love) but then right after the thoughts came back and haunted me. I never take naps and during that time period I was glued to my bed with frequent crying spells. Things like college, my extracurriculars, my friends, etc. was something I became to dread (which is completely out of my character). I would over analyze my childhood, my actions, etc. to see if there was any signs of being trans. I've always been a bit feminine but never once have I wished I was a female. Most of my friends are female and I gravitate towards girls, but I vision myself being a gay relationship. I like having a um...you know what and quite honestly wish it was bigger lol. I also really want an athletic male body. When I was obese I hated having fat on my chest (still do) and I've always been into men's fashion. I do theatre and I never once wished I played a female character and even the thought of that makes me uncomfortable. Since July I have taken medication for my OCD,Depression, and Anxiety and even though the thoughts have gone down, they still run into my mind and make me feel like my whole life is a lie, which causes me to again over analyze everything. I guess what I'm asking for is help and any suggestions that one may have reading this post. Please help.

Please help me

Well sweetie, only you can say what your are with certainty, but you admit to a Dx of OCD so....

I guess one way to look at it, is when did you know you were gay? Until the intrusive thoughts started, you hadn't had a thought about this, right? And knowing you were gay was far different, I'm guessing.

I'm bi. I've always been a little bi. It's been scary, but the feelings feel right and natural. I expect that's how being gay feels. And the TOCD feels nothing like that, does it? Cause its OCD scaring you.

I wouldn't stress being a little feminine.

I test feminine on the BSRI. Most other gender tests put me in the middle. I frankly would have been just as happy being a girl as a guy. At one time I wondered if I was trans, and thought about transitioning, but decided I wasn't. But the thought of being trans didn't fill me with dread. Even with all that, I'm not trans. So I know if I'm not, then you probably aren't, since you're following a pattern of ocd-like behavior. I wasn't trans even when I sort of wanted to be. You don't want that. When you discovered you were gay it felt right, correct? Trans would feel like that. You might not have liked being trans, but you would know deep down that that's what felt 'right'.

But all this won't make the OCD go away. The only way I've been able to beat intrusive thoughts from disturbing me-in my case, harm OCD - is to remind myself I've never harmed anyone, and I decide not to. And then I don't pay the thoughts any more attention. If I think a harm thought, so what? It's just a silly thought.

I find it very helpful to view intrusive thoughts as a living thing inside me. An imp. It eats fear. I don't give it fear. So I keep it half starved and powerless. I don't get anxious from harm thoughts because I know it's the OCD. It's not ME. And the only way I know that is because I made up my mind that I'm not going to act on OCD thoughts.

So you have to find your way of not letting TOCD scare you. You know you're OCD. You know you like being a guy- in fact you want to work out and accentuate male physicality. So logically you're not trans. If I were in your shoes I would remind myself of those known facts, and tell the OCD that you don't care about those thoughts because they're crap. And practice ignoring them. It's the hardest thing in the world when you begin to not listen to OCD, it'll try so hard to scare you. But you know you're not trans. And you have to grab hold of that and hang onto it. It doesn't matter what the OCD tries to tell you. You know you never grew up wanting to be a girl and you're not going to start now.

I've never hurt anyone, and I'm not going to start now. It took me a while to get to where those thoughts don't bother me-note that I still get the thoughts- OCD is always hoping to scare me- but they just don't bother me like they used to. Just thoughts. That's all they are.

Thank you. It just scares me because I feel I don't even know who I am anymore.

You're you!

Is it supposed to feel natural when you realize you're actually trans? Because for me the thought causes more and more anxiety and I start to analyze everything I've ever done. And even if I'm an autoandrophilic, which I hope I'm not, I'm sure I don't want to be a man. But I feel like my obsessions are forcing me to believe I should be one otherwise I'll never be happy again. It's terrible. I didn't feel dysphoria about being a woman and I like being a woman. But this trans thought came up over night and now I'm digging up every piece of possible evidence there is that I'm trans and it freaks me out. And it's so simple: I get to choose who I want to be. And I don't want to be a man. So that should be enough to know I'm not trans but it doesn't quite sink in.

Oh me.

Sounds very OCD.

I consider myself autogyne, and don't mind it a bit. I get off on thinking of being a woman, plain and simple. Nope. Obsessions. OCD. Obviously I can't Dx but really, sweets. This came up overnight. When I wondered if I were trans, it wasn't overnight. Slowly worked up to it and I was fascinated by the idea that I might be trans. But I wasn't dysphoric or anything and, well, not trans. But I wasn't panicked over it. This has the markers of OCD. Could you be trans? Doubtful. Could you be a bit gender queer? Maybe. But if there's something there, betcha OCD is making it worse, and if there's nothing there, OCD will come up with something. Like any other living thing,OCD likes to eat. It eats fear.

I don't want to be either trans or gender queer. I present as female and look pretty feminine too and I don't want it any other way. And that's the thing. I don't know if the sheer fact that people who are Trans don't fear being trans, whereas I really do and don't want to be a man, is enough to convince me that it's OCD. Because I'm also scared of being gender queer and that doesn't mean I'm not gender queer just because I'm scared of it or OCD about it. So I guess in the end it just fuels my anxiety because I am just as freaked out about being gender queer as I am about being trans. And then someone tells me I'm not trans. And I try to believe it. And then someone tells me I'm gender queer. It scares me to death. But I don't want to be. What if I am? I hate these labels!

Lisa... so many people hate labels. But I rather like them. It gives me a grounding point. I'm perfectly happy to be gender balanced. It keeps me from worrying I'm trans (not TOCD on account of I like the idea but it'd be a personal disaster, as I've built a life around not being trans and I've no desire for that to come crashing down. That and the time to have been trans has long passed. I'd look hideous as a girl, now). I don't LIKE being Bi...... but at least it gives me something to point to when OCD tries to tell me I'm gay (and no, its not HOCD in the usual sense because I'm not afraid of fancying men, I just don't want to be full blown gay, my life is set up on not being gay).

So I love my labels. I cling to them.

Who said you were gender queer, anyway? Not I. I said maybe.

Tho I don't think likely.

Abma, how're you holding up with the trans fears, sweets? Remember that thoughts are just thoughts. They're going to visit you, but you don't have to let them scare you.

Snaggy.. I want an answer and I want to be a woman and be happy with it. But then I think I'm just fooling myself because that's easier and I actually want to be a man and have suppressed it for 26 years or so. I have no clue what's going on with me. My mind is racing and I feel I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I'm in denial. I have to act on my obsessions. I wouldn't think this if it weren't true...