Fear of enjoying toughts (HOCD)

I always had the fear of enjoying toughts or feelings. Can it actually make you feel like you enjoy it? The word enjoy is not really concrete, because the feeling i get it's more like...confusing.
When i'm calm and i i think "nah this is all bull****" the feelings don't come, but sometimes they do, and feel real. And then it starts to feel like i enjoy it or so. My mind goes "you're in denial so you feel like not enjoying the toughts, but in reality, you do" it MADE ME FEEL LIKE I WAS ATTRACTED TO AN ANIME MALE CHARACTER, like, whaaaaaaaaat? and my mind goes "you like the character because he is an idealization of a perfect guy for you" and then i freak out. I think i'm giving up...but when i say to myself "i'm gay/bi ok..." i don't feel like... it was true to me, that this is not really me.

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