OCD, or did I really cheat??

Hi everyone,

This is a long one, so I apologize in advance. I’m a girl in my mid-20s. I’m hoping you might be able to help me. For the past 3 months or so, I have been having obsessive thoughts and extreme guilt related to a situation that happened over a year ago. Here’s some backstory:

I have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 years whom I love very much. Last year though, we were in what I guess you could call a lull, or a more distant patch in our relationship…I had been having some doubts, in addition to the fact that we had just become long distance. After I moved away, I stayed in touch with a guy friend who we had both met over that summer from an activity we all had participated in. It all started one night over that summer, we were all out at a bar, and had all had a lot to drink, including myself…at one point, the guy friend (let’s call him Sam) told me that he “wished he had met me a long time ago” or something like that and without thinking I replied “me too.” He smiled at me for the rest of the night, and I admit I liked the attention, but I admit I REALLY messed up with my response to him. When we all went our separate ways at the end of the summer, we agreed to stay in touch. We communicated through Facebook message, maybe one medium-length message every couple days, and I thought it was fine because I didn’t think he’d try to pursue anything further and I thought we would just be friends. But then he invited me to chat on Skype…which I STUPIDLY accepted. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting from this, maybe I was just being really naïve, but he ended up revealing his feelings for me, big time. He also said a lot of other crazy things that I won’t list here. But he said things like that he was willing to wait to see where this goes, and he basically showed that he thought I might leave my boyfriend for him, etc... I honestly was kind of taken aback and mostly just sat there being quiet because I didn’t know what to say…it was really awkward and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings (I’m really bad at confronting people to begin with), but I also admittedly was really flattered. I should have defended my relationship and ended things right then and there, but I didn’t. I actually kind of did like him too, or I thought I did, I don’t know…but I KNEW that I would never want to hurt my boyfriend and was not going to leave him for some new guy or anything. But I realize that I think I said some really stupid things…not like that I loved him or missed him or anything crazy like that, but I think I definitely responded in a way that made it evident that I liked him too. I was really confused by my own feelings. All I really said to try and tone things down was that I “didn’t want to cross a line.” We then continued chatting on Facebook about random irrelevant things for a couple more weeks, and then in one more Skype convo I told him that I was committed to my boyfriend and did not want this friendship getting in the way of my relationship. I still don’t think he got the hint though because I continued getting messages for a few weeks after that, and it was just getting to be too much so I finally explicitly cut him off.

I just feel SO guilty for getting involved in this in the first place, for developing feelings for this other guy and imagining what it would be like to be with him, for continuing to talk to him even though I knew what his intentions were, for not standing up for my relationship in the way I should have, saying stupid things that I think led this guy on and that I know my boyfriend would be upset about and hurt by if he heard, and also not being honest because I never told my boyfriend about any of this. (Honestly I thought about it many times, but I didn’t want to hurt him before I had figured everything out). I’ve also been worrying about things happening, like what if Sam recorded our Skype convo and sends it to my boyfriend, or sends him all our IMs, or what if he’s actually a psycho and years from now he finds us and murders us, etc…I know these are all kind of irrational but I can’t help it. And I keep wondering if I should confess to my boyfriend even after all this time, but I’m afraid he’d break up with me, and I’d feel like I had to tell him every little detail or he wouldn’t know how bad of a thing I did and I couldn’t be truly forgiven unless he knew. (I even feel like that writing this right now- since there’s no way I can include every detail I feel like you guys won’t understand how terrible this was!) I feel like a lying, cheating, horrible person. This is taking over my life. And I don’t know why this came back to haunt me a year later after I had clearly let it go before. I can’t concentrate on anything and feel like I can barely look my boyfriend in the eye, I am so ashamed. I have been spending so much of my time obsessively overanalyzing every little thing I said and making lists, confessing/seeking reassurance from family members (who all say I didn’t do anything wrong but I still don’t believe them) and reading about emotional affairs to find out if I had one. I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety before, but I did some research on OCD and a lot of it seems to align with what I’m experiencing. (I’ve also been having some compulsions like skin picking that are beside the point but I wonder if it’s connected). So now I’m wondering- could this be OCD that is giving me all these out of control thoughts and feelings? Or did I really cheat??? Please help me

p.s. I have been seeing a therapist for a few weeks and will bring up the OCD thing at my next visit, I just wanted to get some more opinions maybe from peers or from people who’ve experienced similar things before. I know this is probably another reassurance-seeking thing to find out whether or not I cheated, and I know that, but I am just so desperate, any feedback would be appreciated. Thanks so much.

obsessive behavior, rumination and even some compulsive behavior doesn't always mean it is a product of OCD, as a diagnosis. Other factors need to be in place.

A stressful situation, even one that is a year old, can still create issues that mimic OCD symptoms.

A lot of your problem is real world. By that I mean, there isn't anything very irrational about how things are laid out. There is no universal set of rules about flirting, or semi-flirting, or having feelings for another, that would "cross the line", as you say, if you are dating someone else. What is crossing the line to one person, seems like innocent mistakes to another.

You have set the standard for your own values (as it should be), and you feel that you have crossed the line. I think you may have gone in the wrong direction for a bit, but you caught yourself and understood what you really wanted. But that's me. You have to find the right solution for yourself.

It seems to me that OCD is something that affects us beyond just one situation or theme. Many people who suffer OCD, clear out one theme or worry, and move on to the other - because irrational anxiety is at the root of the problem, and thus can jump from one kind of worry of another.

I'm glad you are seeing a therapist. Go ahead and mention you have read about OCD. It's important to let them know, so they can give you a clearer understanding of where you are in regards to OCD.

But mostly I would work on resolving this issue of shame. If you don't suffer anxiety symptoms afterwards, then maybe anxiety disorders are not in your cards (hooray!).

good luck,

Otter.