HOCD??

Hey everyone. i know there has been a lot of people posting on here about HOCD but I just want to put my story out there to see what everyone thinks. Oh and I’m a 23 year old straight male who has been diagnosed with OCD. The OCD hasn’t really come back until a few months ago.

I’ve had quite a rough few months with me confidence. I broke up with a girlfriend of mine about 6 months ago and have been in a funk. It really got worse when I looked up the average size of a you know what and got freaked out when I saw that mine was a tad below average. I would measure and remeasure, and go on forums to make sure women would be ok with my size. Anyway, this has be going on and off for a few months now and it has been terrible for my self-esteem. This past Thursday was terrible because I was really thinking about my size and all of a sudden I thought,”It would just be better if I was gay since no girl would want me”. Immediately after thinking that I almost threw up and went on a quick downward spiral. I was trying to see if I would get turned on by thinking about gay sex. I masterbated once to test it out and I was getting these intrusive thoughts about gay sex when I was thinking about sex with my ex and the more I tried to resist it, the worse it got. I have spent most of the weekend in bed not wanting to leave my apartment. I even had a dream of gay sex with someone I know and this REALLY freaked me out. Yesterday I went out with some friends and I would always see myself looking at women first but then my eyes would wander to men and I would have intrusive thoughts like “what if I kissed him”. I was immediately disgusted thinking about that. Every time I think of gay sex or kissing a man I immediately feel nauseous (not trying to be offensive). I masterbated last night as a test and I forced myself to think about gay sex. I was barely aroused at the thought of it but when I thought of sex with a woman the arousal would go up exponentially. This morning and today, I have been thinking of the same things but do not get the same reactions. 90% of the time I get disgusted but some of the time I get no reaction to the thought of gay sex. I think I am just mentally exhausted so I am not reacting to it, but now that I am not reacting I think that I actually am gay or bi and I get so nervous. While I’m looking at guys more now I get no attraction but when I look at women I still get a strong sense of attraction. Today I have also been thinking, “I’m gay so who cares and I should accept it” and then freak out because if I’m thinking that I have to be gay. It’s a never ending cycle.

I have also been terrified to tell my roommate what I am going through because he really believes sexuality can change so I’m worried he will think I’m turning gay. The only person I’m not terrified of telling this to is my therapist. I’m even getting a panic attack just thinking about the possibility that I am gay.

I have a date with this girl I met online in a few weeks and I am terrified this will get in the way. I’ve always dreamed of having a wife and kids. I’ve also worried that since I seem to have a slight lisp in my voice that I am in fact gay and other people think I am gay. I am also not homophobic at all and have always messed with my guy roommate by trying to put my arm around him because I know he hates it. He does things on purpose too that he knows annoys me. I would never get too uncomfortable being in a locker room full of naked men and now I’m thinking I must be gay because of it. When I was looking Anyway, I do feel my sex drive is diminishing and it sucks. I have to try to get excited about women. Everything that is happening is making me feel more and more that I’m gay. The more I fight it, the more tired I get and I almost have no will to defend myself from the thoughts. At this point I would prefer to live under a rock, because I don’t want to be around men because I’m afraid I will turn gay.

I have always loved women and had fantasies of women. I KNOW I am straight but this nagging voice in my head is trying to reassure me that it is ok, you are gay and has me examining my past. If I’m not thinking about it (which is rare) I find that I look at guys and feel no different than I had before and I feel my eyes looking at women. This reassures me for a second but then the thoughts come back. Sorry for the long post but that is my story in a nutshell.

Do you all think I have HOCD? I’m straight right? Am I in denial that I’m gay?

Your situation is pretty much identical to mine only I'm a female worrying "What if I'm a lesbian/bisexual".

I don't know much about these disorders but it seems that probably the state you are in emotionally about breaking up with your S/O was the perfect opportunity for the OCD to chime in and make your life very stressful.

It started for me when my boyfriend and I were kind of in a sexual rut due to business/stress and then when we'd have sex I'd be too stressed to even enjoy it so I started worrying that I was a lesbian.

Diagnosis is against forum rules.

PF is peer support.

So as your peer....

Yes, baby doll, it's HOCD. Seriously.

Stop checking by trying on fantasies for size. And definitely do not check with porn. All that just makes it worse. Do not overthink this.

Do not worry about your penis size. I know guys with smaller wing wangs that have no problems whatsoever with the chicks. Besides, wouldn't the same worry apply if you were gay? Which you're not, I'm pretty sure.

Yes, sexuality can be fluid, but I've never seen someone instantly flip sides with no indication there was the capacity to switch teams. Unless you been liking guys, and for a while, you're not just going to go gay. Your post says it all. You like girls, that's all you've liked, the thought of anything else is Ew. If not, you'd know. What's happening now is the OCD making you second-guess yourself. You've already been diagnosed OCD, you know how intrusive thoughts and anxieties are.

Hang tough mijo, it'll be all right, and I highly doubt you're gay.

Thank you both so much for your reply!! Yea I had a ton of rituals when I was younger (closing my drawers a certain number of times) and they went away and I didn't have many symptoms of OCD. I did always have anxiety and I know that is linked with OCD. I was always in a constant fear of not finding anyone. Not sure if that was OCD or depression. Like I said, it started back up when I broke it off with my girlfriend and the whole "size question" came up. But that sounds like OCD right? The constant worrying about size and questioning. Constantly remeasuring etc. Sorry, I'm just in such a funk but OCD can go into a bit of a remission for a while and pop back up at stressful times in your life right?

I'm really trying not to worry about my size but it is tough. I will keep doing my best to fight both these issues. I'm seeing my therapist this week so hopefully he can help with both of these issues though the HOCD is at the forefront. Any tips either of you know that I could use in beating this?

Hey man I had the size issue too. The thing is my dick is actually pretty big (well around an .5-1 inch over average i think), but for some reason I would obsess over the size of it and stretch it to make it bigger. I think it's a self esteem issue. I started doing that after I fell in love with a girl and it didnt work out between us (I had A LOT of anxiety around her).
I also had the issue of obsessing over whether or not I really cared about a girl (ROCD?).
I would obsess about other things when I was younger too.

Hey SplashArtist. Thanks for the response. Yea it has been a rough few months to say the least. I have a serious self-esteem issue. I always have so I think this is why all of this has manifested. The size issue I feel will resolve itself once I have sex again. I have not since the whole thing has started. I'm just really trying to figure out how to beat this HOCD.

Yes this type of anxiety which challenges something that is very base to who you are as a person is very scary and hard to go through. Don't worry man you will get through it.

It really is awful. Thank you all for the responses. It has helped a bit. This morning I woke up with significantly less anxiety, but it has gotten worse as the day has gone by. I've noticed that if I'm not thinking about the anxiety my eyes pass over guys as they normally would and look a women, but when I think about the anxiety and the fact I might be gay, I seem to notice guys more. Its weird and I really hate it. Does anyone have any tips of how to beat this?

I do not yet sadly. Wish I could stop the noticing as well.

I've also noticed that my checking rituals are more that I see a guy or I just have a vision of a guy in my head and I think of sexual acts with them. Each time I do that I feel nauseous and as soon as I think about sex with a woman I get a calm over me. I really need to stop this checking. Sometimes I feel like I'm not even trying to check. It is like subconscious at this point. I HATE it!!!

I also just feel like I'm in a general depression at this point. I can't eat much and I really don't want to be around other people. I just want to lay in bed all day. I know that is not the way to beat this so I am really forcing myself to get out of bed and do things I would normally do.

-- Tue Oct 06, 2015 12:36 pm --

Hey jdd. I know that we will get over this in time. If I come across anything that helps me I will let everyone know.