hocd coming back

So I'm concerned. As of late it seems like I've been noticing girls butts and chests but never got turned on by them or anything. I would just notice a girl and go, "Oh, she's got a good butt." But think it in the same way I'd think "oh, her hair looks nice" or "oh, she has nice shoes". But my hocd is kind of coming back.

I was watching tv and in one scene a girl was having offscreen, moaning. And I'm scared because I felt like my first reaction was to think that's hot or sexy. I remember when i was little that I'd feel funny hearing girls moan in a movie or a tv show. I don't know that I got turned on per say but I'd feel weird. I know that I watched semi pornagraphic stuff on youtube when I was young, eleven or twelve maybe and get funny feelings at the girls reactions. I never thought of it because being because I like the girls or anything though. I never even thought about them or their appearance it was just the sexual vibe I guess. I had crushes on guys, liked guys, never wanted to date or marry anyone but a boy.

I tell myself I only watched those videos and felt curious about them, well, because I was young and curious about sex. I also read kind of adult stories about my favorite characters online and would imagine myself as the girl with guy, never as myself with the girl. But now I'm scared that maybe I still get that weird feeling when a girls man comes up on a movie or something.

My thing is I don't want to be with a girl. I don't want to have sex with one. I like boys. The idea of sex and dating and stuff with a boy always appealed to me. I remember thinking just a while ago that I could not imagine myself with a girl because I would feel like I would be lying to them because I don't actually want that kind of relationship. But now it feels like I can't imagine that being true and if I try to picture things in my mind it's like I don't get the immediate repulsion or disgust I did before. Not that it's wrong or anything for someone to like that but to me it was just I didn't want it. I just don't want any of this to be true. Like, I've always felt that I was straight. As a kid I had crushes on guys, wanted to marry a guy, had crushes on male celebrities. Even when I went through a questioning phase I had a crush on a guy and the one crush I thought I had on a girl I can pretty much feel in my heart was not true and was something I was really forcing. Then I got over that and kind of forgot about it and always had crushes on guys.

What's scary is I had a thought a few summers ago thinking, "Oh you'll probably have to admit you're a little gay one day." But I'm not?? Like, I don't want to date a girl?? I think maybe I just had that thought because it was a random thought that popped up casually because I found a girl who happens to be a lesbian attractive. But I didn't have a crush on them or want to date them or think about doing anything like that. Logically I should think, "maybe i was just thinking silly random thoughts while I was relaxing and just had that particular thought pop up". Thing is even the thought of experimenting in college didn't sound fun or appealing to me. I wasn't curious about it or longing for it, I was scared of it, didn't want to do it, hoped like heck I would never find that I'd kissed someone of the same sex or something. But I'm scared maybe that means I actually did want to and was just scared of the idea that I'd like it. But I don't want to, I really really don't.

Except for that brief time that I quickly got over, I didn't ever think I was anything but straight. Even that summer I had that thought, I thought happily about the idea of having a boyfriend in the future. I never imagined marrying or dating a girl, I always imagined dating a guy. The idea of doing that with a girl wasn't even some deep longing I was holding back, it just didn't occur to me because I was happy with the idea of being with a guy and didn't ever really think of wanting anything else. Am I just denying everything though? I know there's nothing wrong with it but I really wouldn't want to be anything but straight. I know i like guys, I don't want to like both girls and guys. I'd just like to have a boyfriend and marry them one day maybe.