Do I have schizophrenia?

It all started a few years ago when I first learned about schizophrenia and people being schizophrenic. I have never had any problems before then, but it was when I started to read about schizophrenia that things got bad for me. Growing up I never really thought about the things that I did, or the way that I thought as being abnormal until I discovered this illness.

To get to it I can't tell if I am developing schizophrenia, or if I am just obsessing over the fear that I might get it- OCD. These thoughts have consumed me, and everyday that goes by I find it harder and harder to think straight anymore. I read that one of the biggest signs that one might have schizophrenia is that a person talks to themselves, and I do not know if what they're talking about is the same thing as the way I talk to myself. I do not hear another person in my head, I do not have audio hallucinations, or visual ones. But when I talk to myself I do so rehearsing conversations I've had in the past, or ones I may have in the future. For example if I have a job interview coming up, I pretend I'm talking to the manager, and answer questions that they may ask me during the interview, or if I got into an argument with someone at work, or home, I think of other ways I could have handled the conversation or practice how to maybe avoid whatever I did so that it doesn't get to that point again. I also talk to myself as a coping method to make myself feel better maybe after a long day, or when I'm anxious, or nervous about something. But when I read that this was abnormal it became a problem, so much that now I'm afraid that doing this is not normal anymore and when I catch myself doing it I even stop myself. Whats even worse is the fear that my inner voice may be just a symptom of being schizophrenic.


Something else that troubled me for a while was the fear that I was being drugged or poisoned by people. A while ago I was tricked into trying a drug known as K2. Let me say right now that I DO NOT DO ANY DRUGS. I never had any interest in drugs, nor did I know that I was going to be doing drugs that day. But what happened was, I use to roll and smoke tobacco, and a former "friend" of mine that it would be a good idea to have my try K2 and the way he did so was that he had told me that what I was smoking was in fact tobacco. After only a few moments of smoking his "cigarette" I knew something was wrong. and while in that state I didn't handle it so well, I had a very intense reaction to what had happened, both during and after the incident. I was hallucinating, and I had lost total control. I experienced some of the scariest feelings of my life. But after that I had developed the idea that people were actually going to do something to my food, or drinks. Even drinks or food that weas never opened... For a long time I had a very difficult time eating food, until with some determination I found my way back to eating properly again. I believe that the only way to conquer a problem is to tackle it head on, so even though I was absolutely scared I still ate. The crazy part about the whole situation was that, if I ordered food at a diner, if the waiter looked at me funny, I wouldn't eat the food, or I stopped eating at McDonald's because I heard a story that someone had done something to someone's food somewhere, some time ago. But it was bad... And sometimes to this day I have to sometimes force myself to eat (very rarely won't eat something) because the thought still comes back that maybe someone did something to my food.... I even use/ still have sometimes try something I'm about to eat or drink before I do...

Some other things I've read that make me wonder...

I also have a fear that maybe one day I'm going to snap and hurt someone. To the point that I won't even pick up a baby in fear that I may drop it. The fear that I may grow into a killer.. That one day while standing next to someone I'm going to just hurt or kill them. And this fear concerns me greatly

I can't help but wonder what's wrong with me... It's gotten so bad that if I hear a noise in my house, I'm afraid that it might be something I imagined, so I go looking for the source of the sound. Some days I just wish that I could get hypnotized into forgetting what being schizophrenic is. The worse part about it is, the more time goes by, and the more I read about schizophrenia, the more I start to think that I'm developing more symptoms of the illness. I even read that
-you may skip a letter when writing, or your spelling, and grammar may also begin to suffer
-your memory may deteriorate, and you may begin to forget things.
-verbally, you will notice that your speech will also get worse. Maybe stuttering more, or having difficulty structuring sentences.

And guess who's starting to suffer from these symptoms.

I love life, I love people, and learning to grow. I have no problem talking to people, and in fact I'm the funny guy of the group. I have great ambitions of maybe one day becoming a great success. (Hopefully I can do something in life that may better the world) but I feel that my mind has become so overwhelmed by these thoughts that I need to ask what you think. Please help me. P.S strangely I feel much better just writing about it. Thanks again everyone, this is my first time I hope to hear back from you soon!

Hi,

I personally believe, from the information that you have wrote down, you're suffering from OCD. I have also smoked K2, I didn't react as bad as you, but I had heart palpitations which wasn't nice. Your OCD seems to have bloomed from that incident. I have a fear of chemicals, so I can relate with the thought of food being tampered with. You said you fear you might hurt someone? Do you have this thought around people? Fearing you may hurt them by losing control of yourself for no reason? Again, classic OCD. I too get this, it use to be a lot worse though.

Are you seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? If not, you probably should go get yourself seen, they can determine for sure. But I believe they will say OCD. Don't drive yourself mad trying to give a logical answer to a irrational thought, that's what feeds OCD and makes its grip on you worse. Don't look for sources of sounds if to prove something to yourself, it feeds the fear.

And I also talk to myself. Lol, I'd even argue with myself. Our OCD is very similar, so I completely understand what you're going through and I know it's easier said that done just to ignore things, but you'll only wear yourself down. Learn to control these thoughts. Thoughts come and go all the time, there is no way to stop yourself thinking about something with just willpower, infact trying to ignore something makes you notice it more. Let your thoughts go, learn to move on to other topics. It is hard but with some help you will get there.

Feel free to PM me.

Omg talking to yourself means you're crazy???

*grins*

Actually, I heard... That talking to yourself is a sign of intelligence.

I talk to myself all the time, shamelessly.

Reading your post... It definitely has an ocd feel to it.

Schizophrenia? I'll see your schizophrenia and raise you demonic possession.

Harm OCD? Four decades. Not 'for decades'. FOUR. Decades.

Poisoning? Ask the kind older woman at the gas station when I wouldn't accept a gift of my favorite-favorite! they don't make anything that Good anymore! grape bubble gum, because I was convinced she wanted to poison me. Back in 1969. I was five. I have no idea how I got that idea. About the same time I began to have every disease I've ever heard of.

You have no audio or visual hallucinations. Sure you're paranoid. So am I. But you don't see people watching you. You know you're paranoid. I've had schizophrenia in my family, not getting that vibe from you, but getting lots of ocd vibe.

Ocd is the gift that keeps on giving. The more you check and watch and analyze, the more you feed it. I still have lots of ocd trouble, checking things, worrying about diseases, etc. The more outrageous stuff, like killing people, I finally learned to mostly ignore. I just say screw it, whatever.

The way I'd approach it, if I had the presence of mind to, is to not care if I was getting schizophrenia. That's how I handle harm-ocd. Fine whatever. Same with leaving the car window down/unlocked/not in Park. Screw it. Now I'm hopeless with my hypochondria. But other stuff that goes thru my brain-like I'm going to hurt or kill- or checking faucets, doors, whatever. I try to break the loop. I don't care if the upstairs faucet runs and makes the ceiling downstairs cave in. I don't care if I think about hurting someone. Don't give a $#%^ if my car magically rolls into another car. It's not easy to break the loop but I know I have to otherwise I'm going to obsess. And check. And recheck.

I relate to a lot in your post, although I've never worried I was schizophrenic. Which is interesting I don't, since I grew up exposed to it via extended family. I have a family history for all sorts of crazy. Anyway I see a lot of OCD-sounding stuff, a lot of anxiety from you. Try not to let it eat you up in misery. The ocd brain loves to be miserable. If I'm not worrying- I worry about not worrying.... Ocd brain gets hooked on worry, or something.

"I personally believe, from the information that you have wrote down, you're suffering from OCD. I have also smoked K2, I didn't react as bad as you, but I had heart palpitations which wasn't nice. Your OCD seems to have bloomed from that incident. I have a fear of chemicals, so I can relate with the thought of food being tampered with.


And I also talk to myself. Lol, I'd even argue with myself. Our OCD is very similar, so I completely understand what you're going through"

What an amazing feeling to know what it is to know that I am not alone in these feelings. I've stayed awake countless nights with the worry that I am going crazy, and I really convinced myself that maybe I am that 1% of the population (or whatever the statistic is) that developed schizophrenia. And it was almost funny, the more I learned the more I developed. For example, if I heard that a person with schizophrenia spaced out during conversations, I would catch myself spacing out during a conversation, not because I wasn't paying attention but because I was thinking about spacing out during the conversation- if that makes any sense. Lol I was without noticing feeding into my thoughts more and more. Based on what Everyone has told me I will begin to try and control, and worry less. It's funny while I was writing my question I was asking myself, "DOES THIS QUESTION HAVE LOGIC, AM I MAKING SENSE WHILE I WRITE THIS??!" And read the question over and over again, because, again I read that that's what happens to people with this illness, they have difficulty expressing themselves and lack logic. Lol thank you everyone so much. Again it feels amazing to know that I'm not alone

No problem. Don't try catching yourself out with things . It makes it so much worse. The question does make sense in your head though, everyone with OCD understands that. You should tell your symptoms to a doctor, make sure it's one that understands mental illness and the differences in them. I'm positive they'll say OCD.

Glitchy_Mind wrote:. You should tell your symptoms to a doctor, make sure it's one that understands mental illness and the differences in them. I'm positive they'll say OCD.

Do you think there's a possibility that I may have schizo ? Even now I struggle from these obsessive thoughts that I may have the illness. Just the fact that you're not 100 percent ( and trust me I understand that you're not a doctor lol) but it doesn't do me any justice that I may be suffering from the delusion that I'm ok or something like that lmao

But thank you for your patience and your reply !

snaga2.0 wrote:
Poisoning? Ask the kind older woman at the gas station when I wouldn't accept a gift of my favorite-favorite! they don't make anything that Good anymore! grape bubble gum, because I was convinced she wanted to poison me. Back in 1969. I was five. I have no idea how I got that idea. About the same time I began to have every disease I've ever heard of.

You have no audio or visual hallucinations. Sure you're paranoid. So am I. But you don't see people watching you. You know you're paranoid. I've had schizophrenia in my family, not getting that vibe from you, but getting lots of ocd vibe.

The way I'd approach it, if I had the presence of mind to, is to not care if I was getting schizophrenia. That's how I handle harm-ocd. Fine whatever. Same with leaving the car window down/unlocked/not in Park. Screw it. Now I'm hopeless with my hypochondria. But other stuff that goes thru my brain-like I'm going to hurt or kill- or checking faucets, doors, whatever. I try to break the loop. I don't care if the upstairs faucet runs and makes the ceiling downstairs cave in. I don't care if I think about hurting someone. Don't give a $#%^ if my car magically rolls into another car. It's not easy to break the loop but I know I have to otherwise I'm going to obsess. And check. And recheck.

I relate to a lot in your post, although I've never worried I was schizophrenic. Which is interesting I don't, since I grew up exposed to it via extended family. I have a family history for all sorts of crazy. Anyway I see a lot of OCD-sounding stuff, a lot of anxiety from you. Try not to let it eat you up in misery. The ocd brain loves to be miserable. If I'm not worrying- I worry about not worrying.... Ocd brain gets hooked on worry, or something.

1. It's crazy because I know exactly what you're saying ! I mean sitting there worried that something someone gave you may be poisoned! Posined really?? Like thinking about it,. It's almost a tragic comedy ! My sister has not always been there, and the relationship she shares with the family makes me nervous having her around (and I'm not the only one, my father has said that he worries that she might just snap on us) without getting to deep, she is a drama queen and expects something from nothing, she's willing to run away with a guy she just met because she doesn't want to live under the rules of the house- for ex if you're going to be out for the night, send a text to let us know you're alive. -__- and she tweaks because of that. Anyway for a while the fear that she might just drug the milk or do something to the food has been there because I know she has a problem with the family and honestly we believe she hates us. Sounds crazy but so is she...

2. I don't have hallucinations at least j don't think so... Maybe when I'm tired I might see something out the corner of my eye... Or if I'm alone in my room, sometimes I stare at the wall (lol) I might hear a noise or if the ac is on I might hear something but the ac is to loud so I turn off the ac and I look for the sound. Or if the volume is to loud on the tv I hear things... It's hard to explain but I feel like this is how it starts and I'm scared that this may be the case...

But the fact that you can relate to me is a beautiful thing and I'm so thankful for your help... Especially since you were so funny about it !

The need for 100% certainty is a telling sign that its likely OCD from our perspective.

jdd wrote:The need for 100% certainty is a telling sign that its likely OCD from our perspective.

Thanks man/ or woman... I prob sound like a nut. :/ lol I reread what I write sometimes and I get almost embarrassed because I realize how silly I sound sometimes. Lol and it's kind of like being scolded- "the need for 100% certainty... Etc just reading that made me blush in embarrassment.... Lol I know it may sound pathetic but I honestly have no where else to vent out. This is therapeutic and you guys on here have more experience or knowledge than I do. Lol so in short I guess I'm trying to apologize almost and thank you for your help. What would you recommend I do now that I know it's all in my head ? Aside from seeing a doctor

De-internalizing and taking about things helps a lot. This is what PF is all about, to me.