TOCD - Now I Have POCD - TRIGGER WARNING

Hey I used to think I had TOCD but it turns out I was actually transgender. I am seeing a gender therapist at the moment. I feel uncomfortable with my penis at times and I feel uncomfortable in male clothes and stuff.

I accept being transgender (mostly)

HOWEVER, Now I keep have paedophile thoughts creeping in and it is really scary because my transgender thoughts turned out to be true so I am scared my paedophile thoughts are true. It is horrid.

For example when I see a kid and think they are cute, I worry it is because I am just sexually attracted to them. Yesterday my nephew sat on my lap and I had sensations in my groin.

Also I am scared I am just a paedophile.

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Also when I was a teenager I did something sexual with a dog. I touched its penis and masturbated it and once I pulled down my trousers and rubbed my body on a cow. I think I was sexually fustrated cos I was repressing my gay sexuality at the time. I've never told anyone about it though.

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Anyway does it sound like I am a paedophile or am I just having POCD?

I was in OCD therapy this year but it ended and now I am in debt with the costs and cant afford to have more.

Thankfully my gender therapist is free to me.

I am also struggling with an eating disorder....

I doubt you are a pedophile in any way at all..

Anything you can say to explain why you thought you had tocd. I hate feeling so selfish but you've destroyed the tiny bit of calm I was feeling.

InAshes wrote:I doubt you are a pedophile in any way at all..

Anything you can say to explain why you thought you had tocd. I hate feeling so selfish but you've destroyed the tiny bit of calm I was feeling.

Cos the thought came out of nowhere, I felt like and enjoyed being a man before

Now I am open to being transgender/gender variant

I shouldn't have asked. But thank you for your honesty

If you really are trans, why the hell are you still refering to it as TOCD and why have you been seeing an OCD specialist? I don't get you and you're freaking me out. Why are you so sure you're transsexual? Do you feel liberated now that you have accepted it? Like, truly, honestly liberated to be able to be your true self and not hide in your male body? When you masturbate, what do you masturbate to? Do you imagine yourself as a man or a woman? Do you just ever think, without pressure or discomfort, in a moment of true exhaustion 'I cannot wate for this to be over so I can go into the world being the women that I am'? Do you find real honest peace in thoughts such as 'I am a woman, I do not give a hell about my body, today I will just let it go and pretend that I am a woman'? Does it give you peace? Note how many times I have repeated the word peace? Do you feel it now in your female body, your female mind? Do you ever just need to let go of all of this? Where are you then? Who are you then? Even if it lasts a second, doesn't matter!

-- Tue Aug 18, 2015 5:32 pm --

And, please, don't lie, don't try to convince me you're transsexual. Just answer me honestly as if what I will say does not matter one bit. You don't even know if I'll answer back. And I won't. Maybe. Probably. I will not give you my view of your story, I am not asking to help YOU! I am asking to help MYSELF! So, now, I NEED your help so I can help myself! I need your honesty, not for your satisfaction, nor your identity, but my anxiety, my compulsions! You have felt support and gotten aid here. Be so fair and so kind to give the same to me! And all you need to do is answer honestly! I beg of you!

Hey, I'll answer your questions but I don't want to spike you so only read on if you are sure you can handle what I say.

milica wrote:If you really are trans, why the hell are you still refering to it as TOCD and why have you been seeing an OCD specialist?

Because it was, I was diagnosed with OCD. I had thoughts saying "I am a woman" "I am a transsexual" and stuff that caused me anxiety. The thoughts felt intrusive. I have made tonnes of threads about it on here.

Why are you so sure you're transsexual?

I've had the thoughts for so long. I feel confused but I stated feeling uncomfortable in male clothing, when people treat me like a man and I feel uncomfortable with my penis. These are all signs of being transgender. Also it is not black and white, there are shades of grey inbetween. Not all transsexual people have sex changes.

Do you feel liberated now that you have accepted it? Like, truly, honestly liberated to be able to be your true self and not hide in your male body?

I can't keep hiding who I am from people, I had to open up about it. Obviously there will be challenges along the way but I am glad I am in a better place with it.

When you masturbate, what do you masturbate to? Do you imagine yourself as a man or a woman?

I normally masturbate to men but I have gone periods of not masturbating for weeks/months. I go through phases of doing it frequently and not. I just think of me as myself, it is more about the other person I guess.

Do you just ever think, without pressure or discomfort, in a moment of true exhaustion 'I cannot wate for this to be over so I can go into the world being the women that I am'? Do you find real honest peace in thoughts such as 'I am a woman, I do not give a hell about my body, today I will just let it go and pretend that I am a woman'? Does it give you peace? Note how many times I have repeated the word peace? Do you feel it now in your female body, your female mind? Do you ever just need to let go of all of this? Where are you then? Who are you then? Even if it lasts a second, doesn't matter!

When I wear woman's clothing I sometimes feel more comfortable and I have felt joy from wearing nail varnish and make up.

-- Tue Aug 18, 2015 5:47 pm --

I am really annoyed by these paedophile thoughts I keep having. Just to reiterate I DO ACTUALLY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH CHILDREN, That is completely gross but I keep having paedophile thoughts and I'm scared it is a part of me or will be a part of me, like the transgender thoughts were/are

I am having trouble dealing with everything right now. I wish I didn't have my life ahead of me, I wish I was in my 60s and had already lived my life

Freshguy is back.. complete without *triggerwarnings*

Look man, if you're going to come onto the OCD forums, and keep on telling people *you thought you had TOCD* knowing full well that's going to stir up fear in people ... you're coming to the wrong place.

Secondly, you best be telling your "gender therapist" that you suffer with OCD as well.. so that he or she knows that this could be a case of suicidal regret in the future if not treated properly.
The theme of TOCD is that it picks out GENDER SPECIFICS within everything and anything you do, because the fear of something being attributed as a sign of the opposite gender becomes hyper focused.
When in reality .. there's no such thing as GENDER SPECIFIC things. Women themselves know this better than men because they aren't as restricted and empowered to do *masculine* things.

This fear is often rooted within the theme of HOCD as well.. as Jon makes it clear in this statement, and I quote.

"Real Man / Real Woman HOCD
People who suffer from this form of OCD place a lot of emphasis on masculinity and femininity and the cultural expectations that come with them. A male sufferer might notice an attractive male, and then chastise himself for being able to notice attractiveness in males. He assumes this is a sign of femininity, something a “real man” would have no ounce of (again see the all-or-nothing thinking). This can also present itself through a man’s affinity for the arts or other things he may have been culturally primed to see as non-masculine.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for this form of HOCD may involve more exposure to material that the sufferer sees as “dainty” or weak, such as watching program with a flamboyant homosexual character or attending a ballet. This is sometimes more triggering than exposure to gay pornography.
Similarly, a heterosexual woman may notice another woman is beautiful and then distort this through the belief that “real women” only ever think about men. It also may involve avoidance of assertive behavior or any other cultural attribute traditionally associated with masculinity. Exposure for this sufferer may involve images and films involving “butch” lesbians or feminist literature."

Exposure makes a person comfortable with the uncertainty, only my understanding is that *freshguy* here just took that as a sign itself (backdoor spike).

The reason he's uncomfortable with his male parts (sometimes) and clothing , is because it's the fear of denial , which is common in all OCD... we all get it.. that's why we are checking the mirrors over and over again.. and judging our measurements on how we perceive ourselves.

If I was a betting man.. I would think that putting all your cards into the idea that you suffer OCD plain and simple, and should get help FOR THAT.

If people TURNED gay, or TURNED into a pedophile, or TURNED into transgenders , that would only conclude that it's a mental disorder.
That would fly in the face of popular opinion, which suggests that these people are BORN this way.
So if that's the case, you might want to reevaluate what you're doing here, and what you're posting here.

One thing people should do when facing a *theme* of OCD is invest some time in researching OTHER themes.. and you will quickly come to realize how VERY SIMILAR they all are.

Also.. something to look at as well within the sub-types of HOCD/TOCD.. which you can apply this knowledge to TOCD, POCD, any OCD.

"Experimental History HOCD
Despite the fact that same-sex exploration is common in children who are learning about the human body (i.e. playing “doctor”) and discovering how different things look and feel, people with OCD who obsess about their sexual orientation may use benign childhood experiences as “proof” of latent homosexuality. So despite a post-pubescent life of heterosexual behavior, the presence of unwanted homosexual thoughts triggers frightening doubts. The sufferer is likely to compulsively review childhood memories and the unknowable memories of thoughts and feelings that might have been had during any same-sex exploration. “What exactly did I do and why?”
It is also common for teenagers throughout the course of puberty to experience confusion related to gender, orientation, and other sexual issues. As the sexual brain develops, so too the does the sexual mind. For people with OCD during their teens, this can be very troubling. For those whose HOCD develops later, they may look back on this period in which their sexuality was developing and compulsively analyze anything that could be construed as inconsistent with their current sexual preference.
Another variation on this reflecting form of HOCD is compulsive analysis of any same-sex play that might have taken place in college or at some other point in life. A big part of treatment for those with this type of HOCD is identifying mental checking as a compulsion to be resisted, instead of as a way to figure out one’s sexuality. Curiosity is not orientation. Whatever happened, happened."

djslanty wrote:The reason he's uncomfortable with his male parts (sometimes) and clothing , is because it's the fear of denial , which is common in all OCD... we all get it.. that's why we are checking the mirrors over and over again.. and judging our measurements on how we perceive ourselves.

I don't quite get what you mean. I have a feeling of discomfort with my penis, I don't see how that links to mirrors. I have felt uncomfortable wearing male clothes and this goes away when I wear female clothes. With female clothes I fear being judged when I go outside wearing them, which is a fear of what other people think.

My genital dysphoria has been worse the last few weeks.

It is not uncommon for people to realise that they are transgender at different ages and lots of people do not follow the typical transsexual path. Caitlyn Jenner helped give me the strength to finally accept being trans and I applaud her. I enjoy watching RuPaul's Drag Race and it has taught me it is ok to be gender variant. I know Ru is a drag queen, not transsexual, but it was still useful.

I went to a support group for non-binary people and I actually felt more comfortable than I had in months.

If I was a betting man.. I would think that putting all your cards into the idea that you suffer OCD plain and simple, and should get help FOR THAT.

Done that, I am now in debt because of it.....................................

If people TURNED gay, or TURNED into a pedophile, or TURNED into transgenders , that would only conclude that it's a mental disorder.

People can realise they are gay or transgender at any age.

and also I told my gender therapist all about my OCD but they had never heard of Pure O so I had to explain it to them.

I don't really think you've answered exactly what I've been asking. But, that's OK, you answered what you were asked. People spend ages (and I mean 20+ years) with a certain kind of OCD. And OCD thoughts are really strong, the reason they freak us out is how real they seem. I am not trying to say you're not trans, but I have to say I doubt it. I've read all your past posts and all of the things you've said sound like everything I've read before, from OCD-ers. Intrusive thoughts, repetitive thoughts, constant checking and wondering 'am I'. But, I cannot diagnose you. I am just hoping you will find your true self or, if you have found it already, become completely comfortable with yourself. But, sorry if this offends you, don't force transsexuality on yourself. I am also going through POCD (hopefully), it's hell, I want to die, disappear! And, if you are trans, that doesn't make you a paedophile. You were diagnosed with OCD, you are an OCD-er. I mean, what are the chances that something that looks like OCD to an OCD-er turns out to be true? Now, what are the chances it happens twice? All the luck to you, FG. Sorry if I came off as rude, I felt this sort of a vibe of lies and pretending in your posts, so I thought I had to be.