OCD and viewing child porn

A few years ago when i was 17 and I developed a form of OCD where I worried about becoming a pedophile. It's quite a common form of OCD, but I didn't know that at the time and my life was taken over my obsessive intrusive thoughts about being attracted to children. Every time I looked at a child I would try to figure out what I was feeling. I once touched a child's diaper (not their genitals!) to try and see if I had any "response" but I couldn't figure it out. Eventually I became quite suicidal and desperate. I needed to know if I was a pedophile or not, and I thought the only way to know for sure would be to view images or a video that would repulse me enough for me to know that I definitely wasn't a pedo. So I went to google and typed in the words "child porn" and I opened a few links but no illegal images or videos came up.

There was one picture of a child posed in a bikini- technically legal but it looked slightly sexual and it repulsed me so much that I cried. I was searching for maybe 10 or 15 minutes before I realised that if a legal image of a child had made me cry then there's no way I could be a pedophile. So I shut down my laptop and have never looked for child porn again. But now I feel really guilty. I could have easily have found and watched child porn and that would be contributing to child abuse (i know i never found anything, but i DID open some links, so the fact i didnt watch anything is kinda irrelevant) which sickens me to the core.

It's been two years since this happened and I know that I am not a pedophile, but am I a bad person for what I did? I have been to the police and they told me to forget about it and live my life, but I feel that other people might think that I am evil or sick and deserve to die. Am I in the same class as those who molest children or routinely access child porn for pleasure? Obviously I did not want to watch child porn for pleasure, I was just so desperate because of my OCD. But does this excuse my behaviour? Should I be punished? Am I a bad person? Should I suffer for what I did or feel guilty? Do I need to confess this to people? I feel that people need to know about this because its such a big deal and they might not want to be friends with a sicko like me. I just wanna be a good person, like im going to be a nurse and i want to dedicate my life to helping others but i feel i cant or shouldnt because of this. Also people always say "people with OCD dont act on their thoughts" but I did? I mean I never acted on the intrusive thoughts of actually harming a child, but I did search for the images. Is that acting on the thoughts or is that reassurance seeking? Ugh, please help.

I feel like therapy would be the best option for you. Everyone has something in their closet and its just something we all have to accept and move on. I dont feel you did anything horrible. I know OCD can be hell so I can empathize with you. You should seek help xx good luck

What you did was definitely reassurance seeking. Others with OCD have done the same. You should have a PM from me in your inbox about my similar experiences, and I hope you don't hate me for having done similar things. This link mentions that some people with POCD actually have viewed C.P. I read it for reassurance sometimes that my actions aren't the worst of any POCD sufferer. https://www.academia.edu/4075725/Problems_in_the_Diagnosis_of_OCD

You're definitely not the first person to do something like this, and some have taken it further. Do you think every one of those people, who like you just wanted reassurance and certainty, deserves to die? I know I don't think so.

I don't think you sound like a bad or horrible person at all. You're not even remotely comparable to child molesters or routine watchers of C.P., that's a ridiculous notion. Any decent person who understood your entire situation would be understanding of this and wouldn't judge you. I don't think you need to tell anyone though. Everyone has secrets, everyone's looked at something messed up on the internet for some reason. This doesn't reflect on you as a person, and it's in the distant past now.

I feel like you're a lot more caring and sensitive than I am (or at least used to be). I don't think I felt anywhere near guilty enough after I considered doing the same thing as you, although I do feel extremely guilty about it 24/7 now.

Now I'm going to tell you what everyone else on this forum always tells me - stop seeking reassurance. I know you want desperately to be reassured. I know that feeling well. But nothing will ever be good enough evidence that you don't need to feel guilty about this. You'll always find ways to doubt yourself. I know it sounds hard, but try just letting the thoughts sit in your mind without analyzing them or trying to come to a conclusion. Just answer them with a simple acknowledgement like "OK then" and refuse to discuss the matter any further with yourself. After a while, the thoughts do start to take up a bit less of your mind, and at times seem less scary and important. I still cave and seek reassurance frequently, but even resisting that urge and refusing to engage with the thoughts for a day or two can sometimes really help for a while. If you do this with all forms of OCD thoughts for long enough, you're on the path towards getting rid of your OCD completely. You've suffered more than enough. You deserve to do this for yourself. You deserve to let this go and live a full life.

SC xx

sillycaterpillar89 wrote:What you did was definitely reassurance seeking. Others with OCD have done the same. You should have a PM from me in your inbox about my similar experiences, and I hope you don't hate me for having done similar things. This link mentions that some people with POCD actually have viewed C.P. I read it for reassurance sometimes that my actions aren't the worst of any POCD sufferer. https://www.academia.edu/4075725/Problems_in_the_Diagnosis_of_OCD

You're definitely not the first person to do something like this, and some have taken it further. Do you think every one of those people, who like you just wanted reassurance and certainty, deserves to die? I know I don't think so.

I don't think you sound like a bad or horrible person at all. You're not even remotely comparable to child molesters or routine watchers of C.P., that's a ridiculous notion. Any decent person who understood your entire situation would be understanding of this and wouldn't judge you. I don't think you need to tell anyone though. Everyone has secrets, everyone's looked at something messed up on the internet for some reason. This doesn't reflect on you as a person, and it's in the distant past now.

I feel like you're a lot more caring and sensitive than I am (or at least used to be). I don't think I felt anywhere near guilty enough after I considered doing the same thing as you, although I do feel extremely guilty about it 24/7 now.

Now I'm going to tell you what everyone else on this forum always tells me - stop seeking reassurance. I know you want desperately to be reassured. I know that feeling well. But nothing will ever be good enough evidence that you don't need to feel guilty about this. You'll always find ways to doubt yourself. I know it sounds hard, but try just letting the thoughts sit in your mind without analyzing them or trying to come to a conclusion. Just answer them with a simple acknowledgement like "OK then" and refuse to discuss the matter any further with yourself. After a while, the thoughts do start to take up a bit less of your mind, and at times seem less scary and important. I still cave and seek reassurance frequently, but even resisting that urge and refusing to engage with the thoughts for a day or two can sometimes really help for a while. If you do this with all forms of OCD thoughts for long enough, you're on the path towards getting rid of your OCD completely. You've suffered more than enough. You deserve to do this for yourself. You deserve to let this go and live a full life.

SC xx

Thank you for your reply. It's strange because I for sure wouldn't think you a bad person, nor would I think anyone else was a bad person for doing this, I just view myself as a bad person for some reason. I also feel like people misunderstand what I am saying when I "confess". For example, I told my friend about it, and they kept saying "yes but you didn't view anything" and I was kind of like, well thats besides the point because i DID open some tabs that COULD have contained something, I'm just lucky that they didn't contain anything. People seem to miss that point all the time and it frustrates me as I feel even worse. I'm going to try my best to stop reassurance seeking xx